Have I lost my mind?

[tetur]

To catch you up: My ex was recently divorced when we started dating. The fact that he wasn't over his ex and hadn't completely dealt with the divorce is why we stopped dating. We still remained close and very coupley with promises when he was ready we would try again. Then 2 months ago he started dating someone else he'd met online.

 

This past Friday he emailed me to tell me his ex-wife had been emailing him and saying she's finally missing him and recognizing the mistakes they'd made and basically wants him to come back.

He's not sure he wants to do that but he's realizing that he still never dealt with the divorce and doesn't know if he should "break another heart" (i.e. his new girlfriend's) and be single for a while or just "suck it up".

 

I know the first thing that will be said is that he shouldn't have been sending me this and the 2nd will be that I shouldn't have responded - but I did.

 

I actually told him that I thought he should take this opportunity to explore things with his ex. He's obviously still not over her and even if they don't get back together that maybe he could get some closure that would help him to truly heal and move on from her. I also told him whether he decided to explore things with her or not that I thought he needed time alone and to finally really deal with it and that if he just tried to "suck it up" the issues would just keep popping up until he dealt with them.

 

I know he'll likely view me saying I thought he should be alone as me just wanting him to break up with his current gf so I pointed out that no matter what route he took - explore things with his ex, suck it up with his gf or be alone - I have nothing to gain. I still lose.

 

Part of me is proud that I was able to put my own feelings aside and give him objective advice based on what I really think he needs but there's also a part of me that's saying "What the ****?!?!? You love this guy and want to be with him but you're telling him to explore things with his ex?!?! are you crazy?!?!"

 

I mean I do love this guy very much but I know how painful his divorce was for him. I want him to heal from that much like I want to heal from our own breakup. Plus, I'm trying to tell myself if there is ever going to be any real chance at all that we will get back together he's going to have to heal and get over her.

 

I guess I'm hiping someone to tell me I wasn't completely crazy for advising him to explore things with her so I can feel a little better about it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I take my hat off to you...you took the high road. You could have just as easily blasted him for rubbing salt in your wounds, but you didn't. I don't think you are crazy at all...I think you were very realistic about the situation. You can hold your head up high. Just keep moving forwards...quite frankly, he is too messed up to be in any relationship and you deserve so much better.

[nothanks]

Absolutely. It doesn't seem to have harmed you, right? And you said some good stuff to him and were clear about your boundaries.

 

I think it was probably MORE healing for you then to have no contact, because you acted with dignity and got to speak your mind.

 

It seems to me that "NC" doesn't have to be forever or for every circumstance. It's actually a very clever tool to help us get unstuck from a bad place, and get people to see that showing the ex your pain only makes you feel worse.

 

You didn't do expose your vulnerability to him, so this is a ego-boost, I would think.

[tangi39]

I think he needs away from everyone to figure out what he wants.

I think you are wise to step aside. As much as you may love him, he'll be no good for you or anyone until he falls out of love with his ex wife.

He is not ready to date until that happens. It's not fun or ultimately fulfilling being with someone who's heart is broken and can only offer you pieces of himself.

 

Right now, I'd advise you to step aside and not put all your eggs in this basket. I'd disconnect yourself from him emotionally at this point. Even if he doesn't get back with his wife, he's in no condition to date if he can't even sort out if he wants to give his ex another chance.