An update :(

[Leezon]

Here is the latest entry from my blog that i made today:

 

The past week has been a very hard one for me. I had to make the final decision to re-home my dog Zack I listed him on a couple of boards, but i realised that if someone i didn’t know took him and once he was gone i would never know what kind of life he would have.

 

Kate’s(my ex) family have had Border Collie’s for a long time and they live on a kind of farm house. So i decided that it would be best for him to go there as i know they would give him a great life and look after him well.

 

When Friday came for Zack to go, i was expecting Kate’s mum to come and pick him up.. but to my surprise Kate actually came. I was both happy and sad to see her, as she looked well and it was great seeing the person that you love so much… but she seemed happy and the way she spoke to me etc was quite upsetting because it was like i was just a normal person to her. I kind of clammed up and didn’t really know what to say to her and because of the way she was towards me it didnt seem like it would change anything if i did tell her what i was feeling.

 

So this weekend has been real hard for me, Kate text me the next day telling me how Zack was and at the end of the message was a kiss. She hasnt put at kiss at the end of any of her messages to me since we split.. so it made me kind of wonder if when she saw me she felt something? This is probably just me looking into false hope. I txt her a couple times over the weekend and she was again just short with me, so that really got me down.

 

I’m not really sure what to think anymore, i have given her alot of time on her own without contacting her because when i think about contacting her i tell myself that if she loved me and wanted me she would come to me.

 

I just find this so hard, because she wasnt just a girlfriend to me. Her and her son were my family, my whole life and the reason i woke up in the morning and worked hard to try and give them everything they wanted.

 

She was the woman i wanted to spend my life with, i bought her a diamond ring and was going to ask her to marry me. I know now when i look back on our relationship that i could have been more understand towards her, but i think she just took the way i did things all wrong. All i was ever trying to do was make the best possible life for the 3 of us and just be loved just as much back.

 

Now i look back maybe it’s just the way Kate shows love? Maybe that she was really loving towards me but in her own way? I really don’t know, but i look back on all the photos of everything we did together, we travelled had some amazing times and enjoyed family events together. I look back through those images and just wish that she would have tried to understand me better, instead of brushing everything under the carpet when i problem came up.

 

I really do love her and her son with every beat of my heart, and wish so much that she does love me and would love to know what a great life we would have together after sorting out our problems. I have changed alot since we split up, and i think the person i have become is someone kate would appriciate alot more. The saying you don’t know what you have got until its gone really is true. As i have realised how i could make things work between us, however in some ways i wonder if Kate thinks thats too.. does she miss me? does she get upset when she sees something that reminds her of me?

 

Maybe i am completely wrong. Maybe she didn’t love me the same way i love her and this goes through my head all the time because she seems to have just forgotten about me and thats some i can’t understand.

 

If that is the way Kate feels, then i would need closure. I would need her to sit down with me somewhere quiet so we can talk and she can explain everything. That way i wouldnt try to hold onto false hope, i would know exactly where i stand with her and i guess it would be easier for me to realise that and move on with my life and find that special person.

 

How long do i hold on for? Will i ever get closure from her? I guess only time will tell……

[nothanks]

Oh, this sounds so hard. When you describe her showing up to get Zack, and speaking to you like a normal person, I could feel that feeling.

 

I don't know if you should hold on at all. What makes you think there is hope? Just that you have changed? I think the kiss on the email was her letting you know she was glad you could interact normally. That's all. From my experience, that is the sort of thing exes do. I could be wrong, but...

 

And as to closure, no. I don't think that we can get closure from the ex, usually. Believe me, I have TRIED. But when I think about it now, if we sat down and had a long talk and he gave me closure somehow, wouldn't i just want to fall into his arms and say, "There, now we both feel better and understand, let's try again!" ?

 

Closure is now.

[Leezon]

i guess since she left i havent really spoken to her in person, only over email/txt. She hasnt really explained everything to me and i guess i just need to hear it from her mouth. As she has said a couple times that the final straw is when i was seeing other people after her, but thats not true..

 

I guess i just want to clear everything up and actually look at her in her eyes and see that she doesnt love me anymore and isnt the person that i still love.

 

Does that make sense?

[nothanks]

Oh yeah. Boy howdy, does it ever. I JUST got past that. It is still raw and fresh. I wanted that SO BAD. I totally know how you feel. And I feel for you. It sucks.

 

But the way I got closure wasn't really from him... it's not like he sat down and explained why he left like he did. He hasn't done that. Doubt he ever will. It's just that last night I saw the lack of love in his eyes. And I finally saw that he doesn't want me in his life. That's what it's all about, no matter what I say or do. He chooses to have his life without me in it. Hard cold truth.

 

SO I guess the closure comes from inside of you. It doesn't matter what she says or does, it has to come from inside of you, but how do you get there?

 

Maybe you get there by distancing yourself OR maybe it has to happen from seeing something in her eyes. Maybe I wouldn't feel good today if I hadn't been able to see his coldness?

 

Maybe some get there through NC, and some need more convincing first.

 

Whatever the case, I do understand how you feel.