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What is in his heart?


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Hi All!


I really hope that one of you can give me some much needed insight. I think this might sound like a bit of a soap opera though!


I met a man about two years ago when we started working together. Shortley thereafter I resigned in the hope of starting my own business. Where most people loose contact after working together for only 2 months, we seemed to become fast friends. We spend a lot of time together going out to lunch and breakfast, I met his child and mother and became his confidant in most things. OK, now for the punchline, he has a much younger girlfriend that he lives with. thereforee, I must say to my defense, we have never touched or kissed in any inappropriate way. The funny thing is that my life has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride over the last two years. And I changed jobs a couple of times. In three of those instances he followed me to my new jobs, interviewing and getting the job as my colleague.


Now, he has never done anything to make me believe that he is going to leave his girlfriend. thereforee I have respected the fact that he is in a relationship and have from my side never made any move towards him that would jepoardise his relationship. I have even met his girlfriend since, and she has no problem with our friendship.


Thing is, I love this man with my whole heart. And not being able to do anything about it is eating at me from inside. We are not currently working together (Although he did come for a interview, just was not successfull this time) We do, however spend at least an hour to two hours per day on the phone. Talking about everyting under the sun. He has told me straight that he does not want me to get a boyfriend as he is a jealous person, or that any boyfriend of mine must know not to interfere with our friendship, other times that I must do whatever I want as it has nothing to do with him.


He is currently househunting, and guess who must do the phoning around for him? Me. And then the use of the OUR word, or WE. We dont want that house do WE? But I know that he is moving in there with her. I just have to do the work for it.


We do seem to be at a point now where I see very little of him, although the phonecalls has not become less in any way whatsoever. I still get my call from him every morning before 9. We spend at least half an hour talking then, by 11 we would have spoken again, by 1 at least once or twice more, and so forth. But, by 5 all contact stops. I have to go home alone, and he goes to her.


I am realitively sure that he does not love her, they are not even on the same wavelenght intellectually, although a very nice girl. And she fits into me 3 times, so I do not expect to be the chosen one, and apparently the sex are still good.


But what I do not understand is why this emotional bond with me then? Are we just friends? Or are we nothing at all? Why share your hopes and dreams with me, need my validation, but not share his feelings?


I think he knows that I love him. But I have no Idea what his feelings for me are. Anybody with any insight, please share it with me!

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Dear Jane,


Tread carefully. I'm sure you do love this man, it sounds like you have very good relations with him on certain levels. But, I have to say that there are a few red flags in your message which indicate danger.


Why is it that a man who lives with another woman, is telling you not to get a boyfriend because he says he is a jealous individual? Did you hear him right? Is he joking or serious? In either case somebody in this triad is getting used, either his girlfriend or you.


You said you are helping him to search for a house? Is it for you and him, or for him and his current live in? Why are you doing this? Buying a house is a huge emotional deal for a couple. Why isn't his live in girlfriend making these calls, or why doesn't he make them himself? Realtors have e-mail- they are available evenings/weekends???


I think that this guy is doing funny things, and I think you need to be cautious. If you are in love with him, you need to recognize that he lives with somebody else, and is either misleading you or misleading her. Yes, technically he isn't cheating on his live in, but I think by telling you he would be jealous of any boyfriend you got he is trying to lay claim to two different women. Sounds like his live in is sexually entertaining while you are a good work mate and socially/intellectually stimulating. Good deal for him, bad deal for you and for the live in.


If he really is prepared to leave the live in, find out. You said you think he is no longer in love with her, ... you need to know if this is a reality or wishful thinking.


Wishing you the best (sounds difficult)

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I do not think that he is planning on leaving her at all, and the house is for the two of them. He just called me with her in the car to ask me to call someone for a house. Now I wont hear from him again until tomorrow morning, Problem is that I can not move on and see other people for It would feel as if I am cheating on a person that I do not have a relationship with! And the hope is still there.

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Hi Jane,


Okay, if you are sure he isn't leaving the live in, AND you know you are in love with him, my advice to you is to make some decisions. I have had that person in my life before, the one who has the live in lover, but has the phone relationship with me. It can go on for a really long time, and I think the final results aren't so good.


I know you started your thread by asking what is this man thinking... Honestly I don't think it matters. The problem is what his behavior is doing to you. He may be thinking he's got a great deal- two women- one with a rockin' body, and another who is super smart and loads of fun, and like he is getting away with murder. He may be thinking he's got a so-so live in girlfriend and a lot of friends about town one of which is you, and everything is very liberated and cool, and we can all be friends.


I don't think what he is thinking is nearly as important as what you are thinking. If this guy keeps calling you every day for the next 5-10 years, you will not go looking for another guy. Looking for a partner is hard work, when you have this 1/2 a partner you kind of feel a little bit less like looking for the whole deal. This guy is creating trouble in your life, maybe he doesn't mean to, maybe he doesn't care, maybe he's a jerk, maybe his intentions are 100% good and he means the best for you. Its hard to know the subtle details, but the obvious detail is he is buying a house for somebody else. You ought not to be in love with him.


It isn't good for you to develop such a close attachment to somebody that you can't have. Please, if you know he isn't leaving his girlfriend, at least in your own mind, you need to dump him. You don't have to tell him so, but inside, you need some distance, you need to be less available, you need to have a whole man, not a half a man.


This is the sort of guy you can stay friends with in the long term. BUT for now get some distance soon, go drinking with your girlfriends if that turns your crank and get away from this man, treat it like he is cheating on you... or that he lied to you... Get angry at him! Don't talk to him for a few days, be busy doing something else...


The alternative is not good. If you stay his close phone confidant you will have the warmth of his companionship, but never his bed. If you remain attached you will not be available when somebody who is fully interested in you comes along. People who meet you can tell when you are attached, even if its this kind of 50% attachment, it makes you unavailable, and it isn't that satisfying, and it isn't good in the long run.


Good Luck Jane,

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This guy is a jerk...he has his sex buddy girlfriend and his intellectual confidante who looks for houses for him. I have no clue why you are doing that for him. He and his girlfriend can do their own house hunting. I think you should cool things off with him. He is toying with both you and his girlfriend. He is not the prize you imagine him to be.

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Ok, now here is another question, Lets say for a moment he might be a bit narcassitic, is it possible for him to have an emotional dependancy on me? He definitly sees me as part of his future, phoned me today to ask if I dont want to think about opening a business with him. I value your opinion on this matter. Thank you also for the insight already given.

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Hi Jane,


I'm sure he does have a strong interest in maintaining good relations with you. It sounds like he gets a lot from you, and I'm sure he wants that arrangement to continue. I have 2 thoughts about sharing a business with him- firstly a business partnership is a really tight connection, good friends don't always make good business partners- mixing romance and a business proposition isn't likely to go smoothly- especially for you since you are the one with the big emotional investment.


Secondly, you sound talented and articulate and like you have a lot to give... this guy can only reciprocate in a few limited ways... there are people out there who can appreciate what you have to give, and who can return in kind. You wouldn't invest all your savings in a stock that only paid out at 1/2 the going rate, but had all the risks of any other stock, think similarly with this guy. Find a person that can pay off in all the ways you need them to, look for a fair return on what you are willing to give, use your time wisely, when its gone you will wonder where it went.


Good Luck

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