My fiancee has male friends and I`m having a hard time.

[micromike]

Hi this is my first time on here hello everybody!

 

hoping someone can clear some stuff up for me i`m a 28yo guy i`ve been with my fiancee for 4 years just over, when we first met she had moved house because of problems with ex friends so she had nobody but her family when we first met we would spend evey minute together, I met her through her sister who worked at the same place as me, everything was fine we couldnt be separated she would come out with me and my friends everywhere I would go, I proposed to her about 18 months ago and now have been living together for 6 months she has a very strong attachment with her family she still gets her ironing done there she visits there every night after work for 2-3 hours and showers there too sometimes this feels out of the odinary but I`m not sure thats just me, but the biggest problem is that she recently signed up to facebook and has made contact with her friends she left behind, friends she says are good friends but hey are men and this is very worrying for me I`m not used to having her having friends especially men I`ve talked to her about it and she says there really good friends and nothing else but she went out clubbing with her sister and a few friends a couple of weeks ago some of these are men I also went out the same night and saw her she seemed disappointed I was there and said I was spying on her I asked if I could come into the club she was going into but she didn`t want me there she said she would not be able to dance with her male friends if I was there so I stropped off she was going to meet me later that night and never turned up I went home alone. Anyway since I have been a bit naughty and have been loggin her facebook messages and have found out her sister her and 2 of her friends who are guys are going oujt for the day and what disturbs me is that there are always kisses on the messages that she sends them one of them she send I love you on the messages he replies the same but I know nothing would happen there he is definatly not her type, the others get kisses on there messages she says this is normal but to be honest i`m not sure what to think am i over reacting I really need to know I would appreciate any comments on anything i`ve written Thanks for taking the time to read.

 

Mike

[karvala]

There are several different things here, some okay and some decidedly not.

 

Firstly, it's okay for her to have male friends. I realise it makes you uncomfortable and you're not used to it, but you really can't stop your partner having friends of the opposite sex, and ultimately you'll both do better if you allow each other to have some friendships outside the relationship.

 

That said, some of her behaviour goes way over the line for me, particularly for someone who has been with you for 4 years. Telling you not to go clubbing with her because it will stop her doing things with her male friends is not behaviour compatible with a relationship in my view, and you are certainly entitled to feel a bit upset by that. Similarly, that she, her sister and two guys are going out for the day as a nice balanced foursome, and you're not even told about it, is disturbing. Again, it's not the sort of thing that should really go on in a committed relationship.

 

You shouldn't be spying on her (I don't know if you really were or not at the club), or reading her messages, and you're feeling more uncomfortable as a result of some ambiguous things; the kisses in the messages, for example, may be a bit unpleasant to see but that's normal for some people (my gf does it with a male ex of hers, but it really doesn't worry me because I'm quite sure it's just how they interact as friends; it's the sort of person he is and she is with him).

 

You clearly need to talk to her about this, because overall you're feeling pretty insecure, and she's stepping over the line, and between you this has the potential to go badly wrong. It seems, to be honest, that she's been sheltered for most of your relationship (the family-related behaviour in particular IS out of the ordinary and indicative of her sheltered existence), and now she's discovering herself and her friends again, and frankly enjoying the attention. She needs to realise that she has to reign it in a bit, or adjust the way she does it, if she wants to remain in a committed relationship. I have to warn you though, there is a small chance that she may not want to remain in the relationship if it means giving up the new male attention entirely.

[micromike]

Thanks for replying to my post, I feel that I have over stepped the boundry by looking into her messages but I just felt I had the need to do it, having an ousider to comment on this does help me as sometimes I think maybe I`m wrong in what I see I dont really have family or friends I can talk to about this which makes it hard to decifer what is right and what is wrong, I`m hoping we can work this out but I also know that we both have very strong heads which is difficult as she says the more I say about thing the more she will do it which I guess winds me up even more.

[Pegasus]

OP, both you and your fiancee are way out of line. Don't snoop her messages on FB or anywhere else, it just does not make any sense. On another hand, what she does (going out with 2 male friends and 1 female - aka - double date) really makes me think she's fishing around. If I were you, there would be a serious conversation ahead and be prepared to do what it has to be done, if necessary. It won't stop irritating you if you just go with the flow, it will eat you alive.