My friends keep moving to foreign countries :(

[mfan]

No - not because of me, honestly ^_^

 

I’m the type of person who likes to have just one or two close friendships, and give 100% to them. This feels right to me. I think I’ve always been like that, and usually it’s not a problem. But, if they move away, then as happy as I am for them that they are finding new happiness out there in the world, it’s also a crisis for me because I am suddenly alone. For some who makes friendships slowly and deeply, it is a hurtful thing to me.

 

This happened twice in a row just now. My best friend of 6 years is moving to England (I’m in NYC). My other friend who, after a long time, I was getting close to, moved to Taiwan.

 

To have a close friend who I can’t look at or be together with is unsatisfying and sad to me. I love NYC and I don’t want to move away from here. I would not leave this city in search of a better career, culture, or relationship. But my friends would. Even if I meet a girlfriend, she might want to move, too. That’s something I’d never think of doing, leave a relationship to move to another city and start a new life. (Do other people just have so much personal confidence that they think nothing of this? It seems to happen in other people’s relationships all the time.)

 

What should I do? Do you think I should try to protect myself against this happening again by asking my future friends if they plan to move away anytime? I don’t want to act scarred and scared to the point of being neurotic. But this means a lot to me. I don’t want to end up in such a hurtful situation again. And if I write a personal ad, should I put “seeking someone who plans to live in NY for at least 10 years?” Or should I just forget it — maybe it was all just unlucky?

 

Obviously the easy answer is “have more than 2 friends so if they move away it doesn’t make your life into such a problem”. But I don’t know if I can change like that. I feel emotional about this. My friends mean everything to me, I don’t want to meet new people when I feel so fond of the people I’m already friends with. I love my friends even though they are far from me, and now I have people to visit if I want to travel, but that’s not the same as being able to have fun with them whenever we want to. I’m alone now and that’s terrifying to realize.

 

I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

[WaterIsLife]

Tough question for people like you and I. I'm the same way. I have plenty of acquaintances but a few true friends. I'm good with that too. But for many years I had been in grad school. What do grad students do? They move away once they graduate! Most of them, at least. I have since graduated, but ended up in the same town I had been in for grad school. Strange thing is, I've been here for 10 years but had a period where I had few (or no) close friends since they had moved away.

 

I suppose there are two solutions to this: 1) As you said, have more than two friends! But hey, if that feels 'right' to you, who am I (or anyone else) to say you're wrong? Why should you feel wrong about it? or 2) Accept it as a part of life. People leave, you know? Sometimes physically by moving away, sometimes emotionally in the end of relationships, and sometimes for-real by passing away. Its a part of life, no? Maybe the solution is to accept it, pain and loneliness and all, and not be afraid of it. Thats the real tricky part though....not letting it affect you and close you off to new people you might meet in the near future. You just have to make peace with this, who you are, and how you want to lead your life.