Im actually doing worse than yesterday

[mr me]

I dont know where to begin but i wrote some stuff yesterday. I tried to get out as much as i could but my mind wasnt working write so it came out all crazy. Ive been dealing with really bad anxiety for over 2 years. Ive been really depressed since my first break-up. It basically ruined me in the sense that i basically couldnt remember anything after it happened. Ive been really scared to even talk about stuff but after what happened to my cousin not that long ago i basically just dont really care about anything anymore. Im really just sick of having to live a life like this. I'm trying to snap myself out of all of this but i keep on just getting stuck on the same stuff. I really dont remember my life ever being good and the best it was had to do with me thinking things would get better and it never did. My life is hundred times worse then i thought my life could ever be.

 

I will just say that for a week i tried everything to get back with my ex and changed and really changed but she is a disturbed person. The problem i keep on having is im probably just as bad because thats who i ended up being with. So i attracted someone that was just like me. So everytime we had a conflict i had to deal with abandonment issues because ever since i was born anyone ive been close to has left me. I actually liked her company when things were good and i told her that i loved the good side of her but her bad side was driving me crazy. I dont even know if people will understand but so far no one has understood so i dont say it alot. It started out as a long distance relationship and it never changed. I tried to meet her many times and it just seemed like it wasnt meant to be and that was and still is something i dont seem to understand. I never thought i would meet a person that i could just click with so easily and we never really judged each other because we both had to deal with so many problems. So from there it got really crazy because we were both virgins. I just still dont get how i could meet someone that i could feel things were so good and then it all just crumble like it was nothing. So then the relationship was just beyond messed up when her dad stopped working and she had to be around him all the time. He was really abusive to her and her mom. Then she wanted someone to be there for her and i tried everything i could but i just wasnt able to be with her. So then another guy came into the picture and she just completely changed. She even said she wanted us to break up because of all the we were doing was fighting. I basically said that if she would work on her things then we wouldnt be fighting because her way of handling things was to either not handle them or run away from the problem.

 

Well then now i know she lost her virginity to this new guy and its crazy. She basically said she cried afterwards and in her head knew it should of been me and to say i can hardly think of what to say about that is an understatement. All i could keep on thinking was i really think im gonna go crazy. So now im not entirely crazy but i just dont care about my life anymore. I keep on hearing advice here or there and either i cant do it or i try and try and i just cant seem to get better. Im also in a really toxic environment where i just feel like everyone is bringing me down or is jealous of me. Ive always been looked at like the good kid that had a bright future. Now i realize that if you dont have the right people around you ur not really gonna get anywhere in life. Its like all my problems im stuck with. I honestly dont know i can think of one thing that is going good for me right now. I was basically thinking that when it gets dark out i was gonna jump in the ocean because i leave near it and that would be it. Its just that sounds so crazy to me because more than anything when i was younger i was doing anything i could not to go thru what my family goes thru. So I see none of that seemed to work and i dont have much if any of a support system to handle this if thats even possible.

 

Now i also see that my ex says shes in love with the new guy shes with eventho whenever i talked to her which wasnt alot because i tried to stay away from her she told me he wasnt like me. So all i see is that she basically couldnt deal with what happened in the past and i say this because whenever i wanted to talk to her about it she didnt want to talk about it. I basically see it from understanding that when someone breaks up with you and cant deal with it they realize it later. Its just i know that usually happens after the other person moves on so they see what they lost afterwards. I really just cant seem to let go of the past or her idk. I just feel like there is no one in this world that is helping me thru this if someone was even able to. Im just tired of all the advice because ive heard it all but i dont know what you could say to someone that has gone thru this. Thats why it kills me because i know im trying to deal with it and i cant and i would say then my ex is going thru similar things and isnt dealing with it. So somehow shes not entirely over me and that kills me. I just keep on telling myself that i really dont know how im gonna get thru this. I really just dont know because i see what im going thru and nothing comes to mind as to what is going to get better.

[mr me]

I dont know im kinda surprised that no one has said anything. I dont know im kinda doing better since i wrote this but still dont really know because i keep on having the same cycle happen over and over again. I think im gonna do better or I was able to do something and then I just continue to fall deeper down in my misery.

[Wolf_22]

I won't leave ya hangin' man!

 

I read bits and pieces of your post - I would've read more but I have a lot to do and so little time - and from what I can condense it into is this:

I had a lover who left me and lost her virginity to "some guy", and now, I'm hurt because she's now convinced that she's in love with him which means I've been tossed to the curb!

 

Hell yeah; anyone would be hurt by your situation. I've been down that road before. Not entirely like your scenario, but close and the best solution for me was time and speaking to a professional about it all. Do you have anyone like that you could go vent to? Like a school counselor, therapist, etc? Even parents can be more understanding than one might think...

 

Just hang in there and realize that your a great person who will eventually wind up finding a replacement. It's hard to imagine this, but it's true. I never thought of it, but it happened to me. Of course, she eventually left me, also, but hey, I'm old enough now to realize that it's just the way life is. It can really suck sometimes but you can't let it get to you. You have to keep fighting.

 

I say forget the gal, head off to the mall and pick up another hottie! Send one my way, too. I need a social life! ;.)

[BYOB]

Getting with her was a bad idea because you don't want to duplicate your problems. I can udnerstand your temptation to get along with someone who will understand you but even though it looks appealing, it is very destructive. Let me tell you it's a very good thing that you are not with your girlfriend anymore because you don't need to be with her to feel better.

 

However, from the way I see the reason of the breakup, I truly believe that you should change. To get interest in other people. People who will somehow accept when you blame them. On the counterpart, you must change as well because your behavior doesn't help to keep people by your side. Your insecurity is causing you harm to yourself by pushing people away, thereforee by leaving you alone. You must be more empathic with people if you want to keep their company.

 

She's lost her viginity and you feel sad, maybe even mad about it when you think it should have been your chance to take her virginity. One good thing about that point is that you're not the one who got screwed. Honestly, you have better take your time than to rush into things, thinking that not having sex is not normal thereforee it's something you should have as soon as possible. On the contrary, it is not normal to have sex too young, and with so many different partners. Why?...

 

Having sex too early can cause trauma while having different partners can create a dependance to sex and/or be the cause of serious emotional (ie affective) problems.

 

I understand why your experience with that girl can be hard to get over with. However, it is the main cause of your current depressive mood. Forgetting that experience, and getting involved into some other activities can only help you feel better.

 

For the moment you might be thinking that she loves the guy she met and that makes you feel truly sad but I can assure you that what she feels for him isn't love at all. She will basically stick to the first person who will present himself toward her. The fact is that she has the same worries as yours and putting the blame on the other everytime only makes the relationship terribly worse. Her decision was to stick with the one, in between you and the guy, who would cause her the less worries. However, that doesn't mean that the other guy doesn't cause her no worries.

 

The following line, as an advice, is the one you must follow:

Get out! Run!

That girl is too much problems for you, even before that she got into her second relationship. Honestly, I would be incredibly pleased to have that girl be interested in someone else, so that she could leave me be!

 

Now, is there anything to add to make myself coherent?

If you have any question, please feel free to ask me. And I would invite you to pm if you feel the need to.

 

Be strong!

[Daddy Bear]

You wrote so much, I'm not even sure you realize that you identified the problem: you picked a partner who drove you crazy, thinking that her type was your best match.

 

It wasn't, was it?

 

There's no law that says you can't have someone who brings out the best in you, someone tender-hearted and understanding who won't make you feel like crap half of the time. LEARN from your mistake and don't repeat it. Start looking forward again. Your ex will be fine where she is, now it's your turn to rise up and find someone who suits you better. Aren't you curious about what your next girlfriend will look like, what likes you'll find in common, what new ideas and experiences she'll bring into your life? I would be! Go get 'em, man!

[mr me]

Ok idk where to start but ill just say i have been with other girls and i basically stopped the relationships because it wasnt working out and i still liked my ex more than those girls. I would say that eventho she is pretty messed up she isnt your typical stereotypical crazy girl. She had at least with me alot of loving and caring personality traits. We share so much in common that i dont even like to think about it because i get so depressed its not even funny. She was basically in alot of ways just as good of a person as i was but had to grow up around so much insanity that it could drive someone crazy. I basically try to tell myself that she was my fantasy girl but fantasy dont always come true. Its just that right now in the state im in i dont see myself being able to be functional in a relationship right now.

 

I tried therapy and i tried medication but i didnt feel like any of them helped. I basically went to therapy vented alot and then when she tried to show me a different way of doing things i tried them but it didnt seem to work. I have a family history of OCD and that isnt something that goes away so easily and people can have trouble with it for a really long time and stress triggers it. I know alot about psychology because i want to do that in the near future but its been hard because my ex also had the same career choice so its been really hard for me to focus on it. All i really have that is bringing some type of purpose back in my life is trying to help other people that are struggling with suicide as well. I really dont know what else to do with my life.

[Daddy Bear]

Okay, I hear ya. Maybe you should put the idea of a relationship on hold until you work some stuff out and can have a healthy one. Part of your healing, I think, is going to have to be to stop obsessing over a girl who's moved on from what you once had together. Dwelling on the past that way is going to bring you nothing but more misery.

 

Did you say that you tried medication but it didn't help? Sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error before a good, stabilizing balance is reached. Ditto therapy. You might just find some serious relief if you keep at it, and you certainly deserve that.

[BYOB]

Where are you at with your goal of helping others?

 

It's a very humble path to choose but you have to be positive whatever the path you pick.

[mr me]

I guess ill say that I had a good thing happen with my troubles. I was able to deal with a bit of the pain today. I was basically just trying to stay away from the things that bother me so for instance i wasnt looking at people today. I just dont like the way the people ive grown up around look at my as this outcast. I tried my best to see if i could work out somehow a way to be around these people before but i dont think that will ever happen. I dont know usually ill just have these pains that i have to go thru and its like nothing would do anything so i would just try to get my mind off of it. So i actually saw today that i wasnt completely shut down by going thru that. It kinda showed me alot because i could see how this could actually help me out later in life. Im just kinda worried if this is just temporary but i dont see it like that. I knew if i could deal with really being as suicidal as i was yesterday that things would turn around but i wasnt sure if that was going to happen.

 

I guess for everyone else, all i am doing right now is trying to find things to say to anyone that ive seen on this site that has issues with suicide. I feel like there isnt a really good understanding of what suicide is really like. I didnt want it to be like this and i dont feel like there was much i could do. I feel like people that want to help are good for that but sometimes they dont really understand it so much. Its just a natural reaction to do something to help someone if your that type of person but the way you help doesnt always work for everyone. So i see with the stuff i was going thru there really isnt any advice you can give because the hardest thing is that the person cant really help themselves. So its this big misunderstanding of one person wanting to help and the other person doesnt like it. So from there, the person that helps feels like its the other person and the other person feels likes its the person that wanted to help but them trying to help really isnt helping.

 

I tried medication and i had a really bad experience with it and i just dont feel comfortable taking meds anymore. Also for therapy to work you usually need someone that has a way of looking at things that can work with your way of looking at things and i dont feel that ive ever met anyone that i could say that about. I basically just try to not look at the odds against me because its way too bad but ive had to deal with that my whole life so idk im kinda ok with that.