mr me Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I dont know where to begin but i wrote some stuff yesterday. I tried to get out as much as i could but my mind wasnt working write so it came out all crazy. Ive been dealing with really bad anxiety for over 2 years. Ive been really depressed since my first break-up. It basically ruined me in the sense that i basically couldnt remember anything after it happened. Ive been really scared to even talk about stuff but after what happened to my cousin not that long ago i basically just dont really care about anything anymore. Im really just sick of having to live a life like this. I'm trying to snap myself out of all of this but i keep on just getting stuck on the same stuff. I really dont remember my life ever being good and the best it was had to do with me thinking things would get better and it never did. My life is hundred times worse then i thought my life could ever be. I will just say that for a week i tried everything to get back with my ex and changed and really changed but she is a disturbed person. The problem i keep on having is im probably just as bad because thats who i ended up being with. So i attracted someone that was just like me. So everytime we had a conflict i had to deal with abandonment issues because ever since i was born anyone ive been close to has left me. I actually liked her company when things were good and i told her that i loved the good side of her but her bad side was driving me crazy. I dont even know if people will understand but so far no one has understood so i dont say it alot. It started out as a long distance relationship and it never changed. I tried to meet her many times and it just seemed like it wasnt meant to be and that was and still is something i dont seem to understand. I never thought i would meet a person that i could just click with so easily and we never really judged each other because we both had to deal with so many problems. So from there it got really crazy because we were both virgins. I just still dont get how i could meet someone that i could feel things were so good and then it all just crumble like it was nothing. So then the relationship was just beyond messed up when her dad stopped working and she had to be around him all the time. He was really abusive to her and her mom. Then she wanted someone to be there for her and i tried everything i could but i just wasnt able to be with her. So then another guy came into the picture and she just completely changed. She even said she wanted us to break up because of all the we were doing was fighting. I basically said that if she would work on her things then we wouldnt be fighting because her way of handling things was to either not handle them or run away from the problem. Well then now i know she lost her virginity to this new guy and its crazy. She basically said she cried afterwards and in her head knew it should of been me and to say i can hardly think of what to say about that is an understatement. All i could keep on thinking was i really think im gonna go crazy. So now im not entirely crazy but i just dont care about my life anymore. I keep on hearing advice here or there and either i cant do it or i try and try and i just cant seem to get better. Im also in a really toxic environment where i just feel like everyone is bringing me down or is jealous of me. Ive always been looked at like the good kid that had a bright future. Now i realize that if you dont have the right people around you ur not really gonna get anywhere in life. Its like all my problems im stuck with. I honestly dont know i can think of one thing that is going good for me right now. I was basically thinking that when it gets dark out i was gonna jump in the ocean because i leave near it and that would be it. Its just that sounds so crazy to me because more than anything when i was younger i was doing anything i could not to go thru what my family goes thru. So I see none of that seemed to work and i dont have much if any of a support system to handle this if thats even possible. Now i also see that my ex says shes in love with the new guy shes with eventho whenever i talked to her which wasnt alot because i tried to stay away from her she told me he wasnt like me. So all i see is that she basically couldnt deal with what happened in the past and i say this because whenever i wanted to talk to her about it she didnt want to talk about it. I basically see it from understanding that when someone breaks up with you and cant deal with it they realize it later. Its just i know that usually happens after the other person moves on so they see what they lost afterwards. I really just cant seem to let go of the past or her idk. I just feel like there is no one in this world that is helping me thru this if someone was even able to. Im just tired of all the advice because ive heard it all but i dont know what you could say to someone that has gone thru this. Thats why it kills me because i know im trying to deal with it and i cant and i would say then my ex is going thru similar things and isnt dealing with it. So somehow shes not entirely over me and that kills me. I just keep on telling myself that i really dont know how im gonna get thru this. I really just dont know because i see what im going thru and nothing comes to mind as to what is going to get better. Link to comment
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