Suddenly he is sooooo angry at me

[Cowgirl33]

I need a little advice on this one.

 

I am very close friends with a married (not happily) co-worker. We are not having a physical affair at the moment but were intimate a few months ago. We are chosing to not have a sexual relationship, as tempting as it is, but have admitted to each other that we have some very strong feelings between the two of us. We see each other at work daily, often lunch together and spend almost every Saturday together with our hiking hobby. He has never told his wife about me. She thinks he goes hiking alone. I am single and I feel like he is my boyfriend at times although I try really hard to control that.

 

We have always gotten along very well. We have been good friends for well over a year. The other day he was whispering with another female co-worker that I do not like. I will call her Lucy. He and Lucy talk now and then but they are not close. He is aware that I do not like her but he thinks she is nice. I overheard him consoling her about her stress level but the whispering got to me.

 

I politely told him later that I felt uncomfortable with what I overheard and would no longer visit him during work hours so I didn't have to run into that situation again. I thought he would understand. Instead he flipped out and has gotten very angry with me. Even said "how dare you tell me how I can spend my free time" and he explained that there is nothing going on between the two of them and (I do believe that) that he is not going to engage in this type of behavior with me. I was purposely avoiding him going on the defensive but it appears that is what I have done anyway. That was a few days ago and he refuses to speak to me. I sent him a nice email to try to explain my feelings and he won't acknowledge it. Honestly, I did not tell him he could not talk to her and would never tell him he needed to make a choice between Lucy or me. I have other men friends too and a few he is not not comfortable with. So, I really thought he would understand my point of view. So....what do I do now? He has told me that perhaps we should no longer be friends. I really hate to lose his friendship as we have been so close (in numerous ways) and I truly adore him and his friendship. We have helped each other through some pretty rough spots. I am not vindictive and will let him go if this is beyond repair. Any advice out there? I would like to save our friendship but I am not sure how.

[duchesstigerlily]

First of all, you have no business being close "friends" with someone else's husband *especially* when you have been intimate with him and she has no knowledge of you. If he is that unhappy in his marriage then he should get out of it instead of cheating on his wife and playing her for a fool. Also, he does not owe you any explanations as to whom he chooses to spend his time with....the only one he owes an explanation to and should be concerned about is his wife.

 

Its beyond me why you would want to be friends with this man to begin with...he is clearly untrustworthy and say you did end up having a real relationship with him if he ever leaves his wife (doubtful) how would you know that he wouldnt do the same thing to you? I think you need to do the decent thing and bow out of this so-called "friendship"...it is dangerous, crossing a line and unfair to his wife who he commited to being faithful to "for better and for worse" (which is why this "I am unhappily married" excuse for being unfaithful is such BS).

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I would be worried about a guy who cheats on his wife with you, and I wonder why you are surprised when he behaves similarly with yet another women.

 

Hon, you are right- he is not your boyfriend. He is a married man who is spending time with other women and not telling his wife about it. The solution to me seems simple-- if you don't want this drama than don't associate with a man who is known to cheat and is dishonest.

[bijoux27]

Why would you expect a man who cheats on his wife to understand you when you say that you won't visit him because he's talking to "another" woman? He doesn't have respect for his wife so he more than likely doesn't have respect for you.

[Rabican]

The madder this guy gets, and the more he doesnt want to talk to you... the better off you are. I am pretty sure thats not the type of advice you were looking for. You are probably wondering, how can I make nicey nice with my married man friend. YOU DONT. Do yourself a favor and walk away.

 

You owe it to yourself for starters to find a man who isnt married. Where do you think this is going? Its going to end in either heartbreak, or heartbreak... oh wait... thats the same alternative. One way or another, your relationship (for lack of a better word) is going to end with people(s) getting hurt.

 

Secondly, you dont have any right to say anything about whom he talks to , or wispers to etc. You arent his girlfriend, at least not in any respectable sense of the word. Granted, you can make the choice not to hang around him when he might be talking to 'another woman'. But that doesnt change the fact that you are probably just a number on a long list of women that he either does, will, or has cheated with.

[tangi39]

Hi There,

 

I would be worried about a guy who cheats on his wife with you, and I wonder why you are surprised when he behaves similarly with yet another women.

 

Hon, you are right- he is not your boyfriend. He is a married man who is spending time with other women and not telling his wife about it. The solution to me seems simple-- if you don't want this drama than don't associate with a man who is known to cheat and is dishonest.

 

My thoughts exactly. Sweetie, please don't fool yourself. This is guy is not looking to be your friend or bf. The only thing he's looking for is to use you and throw you away. Look how he'll flirt with other women in front of you, so imagine what he's doing behind your back. If he'll cheat on his wife, he'll cheat on you. And every other woman he's "messing around "with.

He's not your friend, there's nothing to save. Especially if he's going to add insult to injury and yell at you, belittle you, and put you "in your place".

Stop flirting with him immediately. Treat him as a co-worker and nothing more. This "friend" will only bring you hurt, trouble, and a LOT of consequences.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First you have to work really hard to bring the reality into your own mind that he has a wife that you can't ignore. He's acting like a single man, and sneaking off to hike with you every weekend while lying to his wife is certainly not appropriate at all. You are both playing a mental game where she barely exists, and you are far more attached to him than you should be to any married man. You may not be having sex with him now, but you did and hence just ignoring the reality he has a family. He's just not available to be your man, and certainly isn't even available to be a weekend friend unless he lies to his wife.

 

The next reality you need to accept is that if he'd lie to his wife to sneak around with you, he'd certainly lie to you to sneak around with someone else, including that co-worker. Perhaps he is dumping you now because he sees her as a hot potential prospect to have sex with, since the two of you are not longer doing it. He's looking for spice on the side, and if this woman offers potential for better spice than yours, he'll be gone.

 

So focus on the reality of the situation. He isn't a 'friend' worth saving, but a married man cruising for extramarital relationships with other women. He's perfectly comfortable with lying to his wife, his closest companion, so why not you too? He's not worth your time and trouble. Find some available men to hike with on Saturdays, and find friends who aren't liars who lead double lives like he does.

[jenny_mcs]

It's simple- you're his fun girl on the side that he has no responsibility to. Now all of a sudden you are trying to tel him how to act- that doesn't go along with his little fantasy. Now you are acting like a wife or girlfriend- he already has one of those!

You really need to re-think what you are doing here. He sounds like a total pig- why in the world are you wasting time with him?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

jenny-mcs, how true! I hadn't thought of that part.

 

Men who already have a wife don't want another one! they want effortless fun and no responsibility from the girl on the side.

 

his behavior really is a slap in the face... telling the OP loud and clear that she's really nothing to him and he owes her nothing at all, and if she dares to expect anything from him, he'll just dump her.

 

at least you now know where you stand with him, cowgirl!

[Rabican]

It's simple- you're his fun girl on the side that he has no responsibility to. Now all of a sudden you are trying to tel him how to act- that doesn't go along with his little fantasy. Now you are acting like a wife or girlfriend- he already has one of those!

You really need to re-think what you are doing here. He sounds like a total pig- why in the world are you wasting time with him?

 

thats the most dead on logical response Ive ever seen on here (except for some of mine).... but still very good.

[Cowgirl33]

Well, I must say, although some of these comments were harsh, they were all dead on. After I posted my story, I realized how ridiculous it all sounded and ended it all the next day. No matter how good a friend he has been to me in the past, the same must not be true now or he wouldn't be treating me so poorly. He claims I have misunderstood him, he is not looking for anyone else and values me greatly. We both agreed to cut it off, be co-workers only and that he needs to concentrate heavily on his marriage. So, thanks for all the advice and the honesty. I guess sometimes we can all get caught up in emotions and not even realize how unhealthy something is. Thanks for the wakeup call.

[bluerose231]

I was about to respond until I noticed that you updated. I think you absolutely made a smart choice by ending your relationship with this guy. He sounds like a serial cheater and I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't thinking about having an affair with this other co-worker (if he hasn't already). Either way he is a married man and it isn't fair to sneak around behind his wife's back.

 

I am on the other side of the fence as you are (I was the unsuspecting wife at home with the kids, while my husband was secretly hanging out with a young, female co-worker). It hurt like hell when I discovered their relationship and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your distance. Good luck to you

[E. Dane]

Omg, it's incredible how I can relate to this (I just posted a gigantic thread pretty much on the same topic).

 

Even though I have never slept with my male-married-co-worker friend, there is definitely some sort of relationship going on.

 

I know how hard it must be to give him up (in my friend's own words), but, as hard as it is to even say this, my advice to you is to let his "anger" cool down a little bit and keep some distance. This situation doesn't necessarily mean that you both are evil people. I think every single one of us is subject to one day having feelings for someone they shouldn't have. There is no "off" switch and it's really, really hard to keep in control of your wits when it happens.

 

Just let this cool down a little... I really don't think you will lose his friendship. I don't think you'd ever want to be the type of friend that frequents his house, but I am sure eventually you will resume your friendly relationship.

 

EDIT: Oops, didn't realize you made an update. Well... now I feel kinda weird...

[Cowgirl33]

Well, E.Dane, that is okay that you made your comment after my update. Great to read it anyway. It has been a few weeks now and I am keeping my distance from him. He has gone through quite a few stages of emotions since all this started. He is now in the "I really miss you" stage. Even told the other girl that I was very important to him and he didn't want to lose my friendship. I heard that from her, not him. And you are right, E. Dane, there is no on/off switch which makes this even harder. However, the sexual ship has sailed and we will no longer have that part of the relationship. Our friendship is the part I wish to preserve and if we can do that without being physical or intruding on his marriage, that is what I am hoping for. time will tell but I am prepared to end the friendship if we cannot successfully be plutonic from this point forward. Thanks for all the advice.

[jenny_mcs]

Our friendship is the part I wish to preserve and if we can do that without being physical or intruding on his marriage, that is what I am hoping for. time will tell but I am prepared to end the friendship if we cannot successfully be plutonic from this point forward. Thanks for all the advice.

 

I think you know somewhere deep down that is completely inappropriate to have any kind of friendship with this guy. Maybe this is what you need to tell yourself to slowly wean yourself away from him, but I think at the end of the day you know that a married you you slept with is not a good friend to have.

[healthseeker]

I don't think it is fair to even use the word "friend". He was not your friend...he was a coworker that you spent inappropriate time w/ and even had sex with. His wife would not think of you as his friend, right?

 

I don't think a friendship is possible here.

[The_411]

Cowgirl,

 

I know you want a friendship with this guy but there is no such thing with an affair partner. Affairs never truly end until NC can be put into to place. I know it's difficult for NC at the workplace but I've read countless stories that were just like yours where the OW says it's over then a "friendship" starts up only to go right back into sex. The friendship card is just a another play out of the married man's play book.

[25thfloor]

You really can't tell your friends who they can and cannot speak with. obviously he doesn't care what his wife thinks, why should he care what you think?