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HI, new to forums so please bear with me.

 

My wife and i have been together for 6 years, married for three and have a beautiful 4 year old daughter.

 

The last couple of weeks she has been going out almost every night and not talking to me when she is around. I confronted her this morning and she now says that i haven't been there for her over somethings that have happened over the past couple of months and also come out with a load of things about me not sticking up for her against my family etc. completely out the blue.

 

She now doesn't know if she can stay with me and i had no idea she felt this bad about our relationship.

 

How can i win her heart back?

 

Any advice welcome

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HI, new to forums so please bear with me.

 

My wife and i have been together for 6 years, married for three and have a beautiful 4 year old daughter.

 

The last couple of weeks she has been going out almost every night and not talking to me when she is around. I confronted her this morning and she now says that i haven't been there for her over somethings that have happened over the past couple of months and also come out with a load of things about me not sticking up for her against my family etc. completely out the blue.

 

She now doesn't know if she can stay with me and i had no idea she felt this bad about our relationship.

 

 

How can i win her heart back?

 

Any advice welcome

 

I might not have the whole story here, but it sounds like she just sprung this on you? Is that true?

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I might not have the whole story here, but it sounds like she just sprung this on you? Is that true?

 

shes been funny with me for about two weeks but saying nothing was wrong all the time, i confronted her about this morning, she stormed out saying that i hadn't been there for her and had hurt her and has now taken our daughte and gone to her friends for the night

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One of my biggest deal breakers with guys is if they don't stick up for me to their family or friends.

 

It makes a woman feel as though she isn't good enough. As women, we want to feel protected by our guys, and if someone is saying something about us and the guy doesn't stick up for us, then we don't feel as much of a woman, if that makes sense.

 

One way I suggest to fix this is make her feel like more of a woman. Be her "knight in shining armour" so to speak. Be there to bail her our of things, protect her, boast on her to your family and friends. But do it with meaning. Actually mean it when you boast about her.

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of course maybe she has a boyfriend and that has given her a cold heart towards to you.

 

That shoudln't be an immediate assumption. It coudl very well be she's being distant b/c she doesn't feel like it's much of a marriage anymore.

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sharkey,

 

A recurring theme. The scenario you are describing has happened to many of us here but posted under the divorce/breaking up threads. There are many actions/reactions that you may attempt that seem totally logical to you but will actually push her further away. What normally makes sense may not make sense in this situation.

 

The first item to come to grips with is that your wife has probably erected an emotional wall. This wall serves not only to protect herself against any pain that she has stored in side of her but to keep out any perceived emotional threats to her. The more and greater threats she perceives, the bigger her wall will become. YOU are the biggest threat to her emotionally in the world.

You have probably been closed out by her by now. Attempts to break down the wall or even to get through it, will result in more wall. Sorry, there is no way through. She is the only one that can let it down. In her present vulnerable emotional state, that is very doubtful.

 

If you want more insight and information, please private message me. There is help for you.

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I'd lay good money on another man being involved. Not necessarily a lover, but someone.

 

This isn't something you should take personally (impossible advice). Good luck man. You sound pretty calm and that is all-important. Keep an even keel and take things as they come. Treat her with respect with regard to her wishes and be the best man you can be.

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I would see if she's interested in couples therapy. Explain to her that you had no idea that she was feeling so hurt and that you want to try to work things out. If she's open the idea, that's great. If not, there's probably not much you can do if she's not willing to try to fix things.

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Sounds like she is making flimsy excuses to get out of the relationship. It definitely sounds like she has met someone else or there is some other interest in her life. Her reasons just dont sound credible.

 

As for trying to win her heart back, DON'T BEG HER TO CHANGE HER MIND! You want her back? Agree with her. Go along with her. Tell her she is right. Tell her that this may be the best for both of you. Support her decision. The last thing you want to do is show her that you are desperate and needy to have her in your life. Weird as this may sound, it is actually the best way to get her to come back.

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NowandZen,

 

I am always on the other side of this issue, in my writings, on ena, and on other divorce/relationship advice sites. I find that it not always another person that causes this. It does indeed seem very logical but logic and rational thoughts (and thereforee emotions) may have left the building.

 

When (Yes BHBS, it not always the case either) a partner gets into some sort of emotional distress, mid-life crisis, empty nest syndrome, depression of many kinds, and other dysfunctions, their actions/reactions are not rational. To deduce that is another person involved certainly seems logical at times but that assumes what is happening to that person is of an emotionally rational persuasion.

 

I'm fine by the way. How you doing?

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Well, it's not a sure thing that there is another man, but like a lot of diagnostic issues, it's one thing, IMO that needs to be eliminated. The behavior described is classic affair behavior, with a sudden shift to blaming the spouse. Some people, after all exhibit classic behavior for classic reasons.

 

Glad to hear you are well. As we say here, I'm tighter than an 8 day clock.

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There may be another man. But if there is, you have to recognize that you partially drove her to it. She probably had been reaching out to you in many ways before she got to the point where she just gave up and shut you out.

 

A person doesn't cheat when they are in a happy, fully-committed, fully-functioning relationship. If your mind or heart wasn't fully committed to supporting her, she could have found someone else, a friend or something else, who WAS there to listen to her and support her. Women will choose an open ear and loving heart over money, looks, or a long history of being disappointed.

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I just cannot go along with the generalization that one partner is responsible for the other's wanderings. We are speaking hypothetically of an event that we do not even know that has happened. And you are asking this person to recognize his responsibility for partially driving her to do so. No one forces anyone to go and have an affair.

 

When it comes to marriage therapists, communication is the underlying cause of most marital breakdowns. To say that maybe they were not communicating is a valid, yet speculative, assessment. By reaching out in so many ways is pretty vague and is not an example of true communication.

 

Yes, people do cheat in any emotional state. So, to justify cheating, all you have to say to your self is, "I'm unhappy"? Women may chose an open ear over a marital relationship?

 

Shutting down is recognized as an indication of emotional distress.

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Tough couple of days and things seem to be getting worse, not better (think i'm probably trying to hard.

 

There definitely is things i understand that i need to work on to help our relationship.

 

The major issue at the moent is she doesn't if she can ever forgive me for what happened. I am going to explain in more detail to see if this is unforgivable in other people eyes.

 

About two months ago my wife period carried on for three weeks, so she eventually decided to see the doctor (i had been asking her to go for a week) I had work and didn't really think about the consequences of what could be going on. The doctors informed her that she had most likely had a miscarriage, we had no idea before and i certainly didnt think that was what was going on before she went. we had been trying for another child for about two years so this really hit her hard. we had been fine as far as i was concerned until about two weeks ago. She now says she can't forgive me for not being there with her that day and doesn't know if she can ever get past this.

 

With hindsight i know i should have been there, but it was only a case of not thinking properly, not a case of not caring.

 

any opinions welcome

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We all have beaten ourselves up for the mistakes we have made in our relationships. Some to physically and emotionally life threatening extent. Some of the charges thrown at us may even be valid while others are just their to releive their emotional discomfort by placing blame.

 

Try not to beat on yourself too much. Try not to take what your partner throws at you personally. Some is just lashing out and in a lot of cases will not be even be remembered as being said by her.

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I think she's being irrational, but it's probably coming from a place of real pain. She's grieving a loss here and it's easier to take it out on you than to actually deal with it. I'm not an expert on this, but it's possible that she's (irrationally) blaming herself for the miscarriage. She could be saying to herself that something she did caused it. That's a huge burden to carry so she's lashing out at you saying she can't forgive you, when maybe it's that she can't forgive herself. But do not be mad at yourself for not being there. As far as you BOTH were concerned, this was an issue with her period, not a baby.

 

I really do think you need couples counseling at this point. A miscarriage is a difficult thing to go through and I think it needs to be processed there so that it does not hurt your relationship any further.

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Well after the hardest week of my life she has decided that there is no possible way to forgive me, doesnt want to give us some time first and wont go to see a counsellor. She has now asked me to move out so she can get her life back to 'normal'. Having read a lot of the threads on here and having done a lot of research it now seems that she may well have bpd. Of course not being a psychiatrist i dont know for certain but so much more makes sense from that point of view. I am really banging my head against the wall now as i have never felt this helpless in a situation before. Is there any advice out there from people who have been through this? Who do i tell my daughter i wont be living at home anymore and how do i cope by myself?

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It does not have to be BPD. There are many types of depressive illness identified by the medical profession. There are levels of these depressive illnesses. She may not even reached a level of emotional dysfunction that would be categorized as one but close enough to exhibit irrational behavior.

 

The worst part for you and her, is that there is nothing you can do about it. I had a very close friend tell me when my X went on her "episode" of irrational behavior, that I had to just give her space. Any discussion, no matter how calm and rational, was going to turn into a chance to fry me for all of her perceived unhappiness in life. He could have not been more right.

 

Look at link removed for more advice on this issue. Michelle has a good take on similiar dynamics that you are involved in.

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