lost..

[introspect]

first off, i'd like to star by saying no matter what i say in this post i know i have found the love of my life and she's going to be with me forever because i can't live without her.

 

anyway, first time posting here so.. i am 17.. and i have this awesome gf and i've been with her for 9 months now. we have had so many problems. and now it's not that they are getting worse... they are getting smaller and more frequent. by this i mean, we cannot go one day without arguing. i'm serious. we try talking most of the day whether it be phone text aim whatever... and she always finds a problem in something.

 

it's wearing me out.

 

i have so much stress on me. so much like anger building up from every fight.. well okay i'm straying from the point. one year ago when i had not even met her yet. i had an alright summer.. i went to this summer camp for jrotc in school (something i really like) and had an awesome time met people.. blah blah and spent the rest of the summer hanging out with some close friends. school starts and well i am my normal lonesome self with a few selected people i kind of talk to but never hang out with you know? by this point of my life i was convinced that i would be alone forever and nobody would ever give me the time of day.. then i met her. it was amazing. i felt different. happy. but she was not a happy person. you know when you are around someone too much you start like picking up how they are and it rolls over to you kinda? that happened to me. she's been through a lot.. she cries a lot. and now i do too.

 

honestly, before i met her, i had not cried in 4-5 years? i hadn't a need to. i figured what does crying solve? anyway, things went downhill for us. drugs were involved. and on christmas we both promised to stop, but i, losing my friends, my gf getting taken out of school, and me having no stimulation, continued and it escalated. we tell eachother everything so lying.. was not easy. i would abuse cough medicine (dxm for those who know) everyday.. with marijuana at the same time.. sometimes LSD, PCP, Cocaine.. whatever.. i stopped cough medicine due to the repulsive taste of cough syrup on january 22 (i had logs to write down my trips) anyway since school started i picked up a coke habbit... because everytime something iffy would happen i would run to the bathroom and do it and feel better. whatever so i conffessed to my gf.. and i fell again and i confessed again.. and then i caught her "flirting" with another girl... a girl i hate btw... and i fell again and i confessed again. and since then i swore on everything that i would not fall again and i have been successful (it has been about 3-4 months since that happened, btw)

 

since then, she came back to school, things picked up, we would skip school and spend the day at my house and it would be just like we lived together it was an awesome feeling.. we really are great together. together. that's just it. when we fight we are rarely ever together.. and that's what hurts even more... i always have to be the one to make up you know? like she never comes to me.. and it makes me question if she cares or not.. i always have to go suck up and kiss her ass for her to forgive me even in things that are clearly her fault. but i just you know delete it from my brain just to make her feel a little better.

 

so yeah.. school finished.. decided to join the marines. i have to graduate before i ship out to boot camp but yea she was hurt by it. she's pretty okay with it now though. there's so much animosity there that can't be shared.. she is my best friend she's that one person i can tell stuff to right but if i have problems with her who can i talk to? nobody. things went downhill for me. i have to friends or anybody reallly just her.. which imposes problems but whatever. i feel like i put in all the work in the relationship and feel like i am getting little in return. my bday was june 10, and she said.. i'll give you your present in a couple weeks i'm short on cash. i was like cool no big. it's not important to me cuz she gave me a wonderful day. it's her bday weekend.. i take her out to eat at a really nice restaurant.. then take her shopping.. i spent a lot of money i didn't have on her.. but i love her and it doesn't matter... on her bday i gave her a puppy. here's her with the puppy on her bday if u are curious =p

 

edit: can't post urls? gayy.

 

so anyway.. here we are having a great day (on her bday) i took her out to eat once more.. oh and i bought her a nice bracelet too. a real nice one.. that's a lot of gifts.. i know.. so yea we go to the beach.. we had such a nice time (sex on the beach xD) after that.. she gets a call from her dad.. and (he was supposed to take me home as well) hangs up and starts crying and she was like please please find a ride because my grandparents are going to be in the car and i don't want you to be in the same car wth them cry cry.. and im thinking why are you crying and WHY can't i be in the same car but everytime i ask i get the "i don't wanna talk about it" "i'll tell you later" (btw that was june 30 and she still has yet to tell me) i ended up taking a TAXI which i was petrified of because i had no other ride and was stuck on the beach.. wasted 50$ i didn't have.. and was promised at least an explination which i never got.

 

well anyway this is getting way too long and kind of out of context but like.. i don't know what to do. today as well as many other days i find myself alone and unhappy. she's not allowed to see me much this summer and i hate being here alone in my house with nothing to do.. no friends.. just nothing i'm just a ball of nothing. before when i was alone as i said before i would turn to drugs.. or like ideo games.. friends... SOMETHING. and now i have nothing. i feel like i don't have a purpose in life anymore beside making myself unhappy to please the one i love. sometimes when i'm talking on the phone with her and she says something ridiculous.. that is intended to make me feel bad or guilt trip me (which she does a lot and is the source of 80% of arguments) i have to put the phone down walk to the other room and yell and throw things around.. break things whatever.. i feel like i have this ball of anger and stress stored up in me which used to be let out everytime i saw her but now since i barely see her and can't tell her about the problems she causes me, i store it in, cry to myself, and do nothing about it. i am getting no where.. and i'm tired of this routine everyday.. wake her up talk for a little argue she ignores me cry cry me going baby please talk to me i need u and her denying being there for me.. it's like tiring.. and i'm lost and i'm not sure there's anything i can do now... she is in orlando now (you know dusney etc) with her family. i am sure she's having a wonderful time.. and here i sit on a saturday night, depressed as ever, and having zero direction on what to do. is there even anything that needs to be done?? maybe i just need to suck it up and deal with the relationship that i helped build.

 

if u read this it was mostly me venting since i have noone else to talk to.. advice appreciated and sorry for grammar/punctuation.. i just forget to bother sometimes -_-

 

gaby

[greywolf]

first off, i'd like to star by saying no matter what i say in this post i know i have found the love of my life and she's going to be with me forever because i can't live without her.

 

I read the whole thing but this is what I want to point out. A healthy relationship is 2 people wanting to be together, not needing each other. Of course you could live without her.

If a girl said that to me I'd run the other way.

[Brittney2008]

This relationship is obviously toxic.

 

But if this is the "love of your life" and you "can't live without her" (which you can) then be happy with it because its the rest of your life.

 

Don't always be the one to suck up right away. Stand your ground so she knows she can't continue to walk all over you. She knows you'll keep running back to her so why should she be the one to call you or talk to you first?

 

Oh and btw the whole taxi thing is ridiculous. She owes you and explanation and I believe fifty bucks.

[chocolatemilk]

Wow, It sounds like you really need to sort yourself out, this sounds unhealthy, speaking to a counselor would be a first step in the right direction.

 

There is a pattern of self-destructive behaviours in your post mostly relating to your relationship: overspending, drug use and emotional dependence on your girlfriend. You need to take back control of your life, and stop seeing everything through your relationship with this girl, you exist as your own person and you can exist without her, you should be able to be happy with or without another person. You are both creating and inviting these negative things into your life, it isn't someone else at fault, it is you that does it to yourself and it is also you that can undo your mess, with the help of a counselor or some other professional.

 

You really do need to sort out your own life before you add another person into the mix.

[introspect]

thanks for your replies. i never really knew how bad it was until i typed it all out lol >_

 

in conclusion, i do agree i need to sort myself out, which will be available to me when i leave for the marines, though it's far off (june 2009) i won't see/talk to her for 3 months in which things will change. also, i do know i can live without her, i know that.. but i just don't want to. based on the above post the good times can't be captured and i do have much reason in my heart to work on it and stay with her because she's my one and i'd rather try for the rest of my life to fix whatever and hang on to her than to just give up and find someone who doesn't compare to her.. because yeah, i'll never find someone like her. so yea anyway,

 

oh god i forgot the worst part!! so i was saving money for a PS3 for ages! and then when my bday came, i got some bday money and my dream was finally able to become true. i told her about it.. and she told me not to get it.. and guess what? i listened. spent most of the money on her (on her bday as you read up there) now i am without money, without ps3, etc.

 

anyway, i just want to talk to her and tell her that somethings have to change with us, but i just don't know what to say or how to say it so she doesn't freak any opinions?

 

thanks to everyone who replied again btw. much appreciated

[chocolatemilk]

Are you still at highschool? Could you talk to the school counselor or some other kind of counselor anonymously?

 

As for your question. You should just say you need to have a serious discussion, and follow from there, I'm guessing you have some idea about what you want to change exactly? Your execution is really important, assert yourself, speak with a clear voice, don't question yourself and stay calm, it really does take more than one person to have an argument, if she freaks out and she shouts, don't shout back, don't let her bait you with hurtful words, just reply 'i know you don't mean that, you're just angry' or something like that and wait till she runs out of steam.

 

(Personally I can't understand the attraction to someone that treats you badly or the idea that someone could be 'the one'. Who says you would never be able to find someone like her, thats crazy, there are plenty of great girls out there, you could find someone better than her, I know when you are in the midst of love it doesn't seem like it, but really you could/can. You are still very young, you have a lot of time to find someone to be happy with if its not her)

 

Sucks about the Ps3, you have my sympathies Lol.

[isilv3r]

It sounds like she doesn't appreciate you and you appreciate her a little too much than she deserves. Go your own way, I know it will be extremely difficult and right now you can't imagine living without her...but you can. She won't realize what she has until it's gone.