Near break-up...still together...need advice on what to do.

[sadenni]

My relationship had been rocky for the past couple months, but for the last week or so, things were going really well. My boyfriend is learning to manage his schedule better to spend time with me, and we even made plans out of our busy schedules to have a day just for us. We are (were) just significantly happier overall.

 

Wednesday night he sent me a text message saying that he needed to talk to me about the relationship and he wants to as soon as he can the next day…I found that pretty strange, because he is usually last minute when it comes to making plans. I texted him back “are you breaking up with me?” and he says. “is that what you want? I don’t remember saying that”…I called him and asked him again if he was trying to break it off with me, but he told me to leave it alone and that he'd come over the next day.

 

He came over Thursday to have a talk with me. He said he’s going through some things ( of course, he did not tell me what)and if I knew what they were, it’d be too much stress/trouble on me and it’s better off if I just didn’t get involved. (I mentioned in a previous thread that he is very private because he has been hurt by previous girlfriends and family situations. Slowly, he is making progress in opening up to me….). He feels like the issues happening in our relationship are the same ones that come up in every relationship he has had before. He needs time to sort things out…

 

And then…

 

He broke up with me. It was something he really didn’t want to do and said I wasn’t the one to blame. He assured me it wasn’t an infidelity issue and promised to be there for me.

 

Needless to say, I was crushed…I cried for a short time but we discussed what was going on. He asked me what I thought we should do, and I suggested that a.) We take a break so that he can get himself together. He has never taken a break from a relationship – he’s either in one or he’s not. I’ve never done it either but I said there’s a first time for everything and I am willing to be there for him if he needs it. He was concerned that I would go find somebody else if we took a break because he doesn’t want to be with another woman. I really have no desire to be with another man and I let him know that. He still said that he wasn’t sure how to go about taking a break, so I said that we should at least try to work things out – as a couple. He kept asking me if I was sure about that and I said yes. I don’t feel like we have communicated well enough or actually tried working through these problems. It’s like he wants me to tolerate, rather than understand him.

 

To cut a long story short, we decided to stay together. I’m a bit confused as to what to make of the situation now. Am I making myself too available or trying to hold on to something that should be let go? Am I selfish for wanting him so much? Maybe he stayed with me because he still

feels bad for upsetting me that day???

 

If you couldn’t tell, I am fairly new to the relationship thing; I’ve dated around, but the last relationship I had before him was during my senior year of highschool (I’m now a senior in college)…that one only lasted a few months

.

We’ve kept talking since Thursday and we are ok with the decision. I know we have work to do… I just need advice on what to do. I'd appreciate any insight.

[okay]

Wow! That was nerve-racking. It just seems like he’s playing games w/ U. Maybe a test.

 

U said he opened up to U how so? Do know anything about his previous relationships? How was he hurt?(he said he start feeling he has same thing w/ U—can U see any similarities)

 

• Some people afraid of intimacy, & back off when they feel that they get close.

 

• He also could controlling manipulator (did he made any decisions for U? is control important to him?)U see if he stereotypes women, no matter how hard U try he will find proof to put U into that category. Pay attention about his history & patterns—same could happen to U.(U need more info to decide that)

 

If I were U I would say: I love U, & I want this relationship to work, but if I don’t know what am I doing wrong I can’t fix it; U give me no chance too. I’m hurt more by U not trusting me to tell what is going on, & not believing that I can handle it. In relationship problems come up, but people talk about them & able to resolve them. I’m willing to listen, & do what I can, if you give me a chance.

 

If he ever wants to break again tell him that U want to learn what went wrong, so U don't repeat it.

[Taking The Lead]

What a tool. He's lucky he found such a compassionate caring girl such as yourself. I think you deserve better

[dismayed]

Do you remember that enrique englaises song (sorry about spelling of his name) why i love to mae you cry.

Well unfortuanatly it's true. Some plp need to push their relationship right to the edge and over to see the heart break in it and then pull it right back to being okay again.

He obviously wants to take you to the limit and push that little bit extra and then test you to reasure his insecurity that you really want him.

 

If he has been hurt alot it's understandable in a way. It makes him feel control for a while then he gets his ansa, then it's all all back to normal like it never happened. i guess he probably is very sensitive, very held back and has huge brick walls surrounding him.

 

hope everything turns out alright for you.

dismayed

[sadenni]

sorry for the late reply!

 

As for why he's sensitive - he has been both the cheater and been cheated on in the past. One of his exes cheated on him with his roomate/good friend some years ago. He hasn't told me how heavily that event impacted his subsequent relationships, but I'm sure it does. He's not a jealous guy but he does seem uneasy when I say I'm hanging out with my male friends (I'd say a good 70% of my friends are male...). He is concerned about how I live my life when he is not around, more so when I have been drinking at a party or something. That's normal, though. He's not controlling or anything. I just hope that we do work out. I see that he's been hurt and want nothing more than to change his mind and show him how much I care for him.

 

What I did find strange was that when I proposed that we stay together, he just seemed...ok. Like it didn't take a whole lot of talking or reasoning for him to see my point of view and say yes. He has said things to me in the past just to get a reaction out of me. I think he tends to play games because it is hard for him to be open and straightforward-he always wants to test the waters before believing anything.

 

Anywho, we're doing fine. Taking things a step at a time. Thanks for your support