Ex's in relationships

[fluke2000]

Hi

 

I have ended a 14 month relationship about two months ago. We were planning to have a child together via IVF as she had some problems and were planning to buy a house together (just giving you some background here).

 

When we got together she had split with her last boyfriend for about 3 months, they had a 2-year relationship. He was suffering from depression and I think it all went down hill, he then recovered but didn’t really want a relationship with her. When we first got together her head was a bit messed up and she continually spoke about their relationship, I did think this was rude but I didn’t say anything because she did seem messed up by him. As time went on and a few arguments about him later I said it was time for her to cut contact from and ‘move on’ if this relationship has any chance. We then split and she went back to him, surprise surprise it didn’t work out as they had the same problems as before. We then got back together and she had the sense not to even mention him, a small amount of time passed and he started to creep back in. I had enough and ended it.

 

My questions for you good people are:

 

How important do you think it is to cut contact from the ex’s and move on?

 

Do you think it is important for a relationship to work?

 

I personally see it as a complete lack of respect for the other person. I have never had this situation before and never want to again. It’s just something I wouldn’t do to a person, I suppose I just show some respect.

 

Thanks

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Some people do remain friends with an ex..but that can only work if BOTH sides are no longer interested in being together. In your situation she clearly was not over him when you two started your relationship. You were the rebound. So I think the real issue is not that she was friends with the ex..but that she was still hung up on him romantically. Somebody can cut all ties with their ex but still not be over them. It is not the contact that is the stumbling block, it is the feelings that are still there for an ex. That's what creates the problems in a new relationship. Having said all that, I think it is fine to be on friendly terms with an ex..but there has to be boundaries out of respect for the current partner. In other words, never socializing alone with the ex and having only periodic friendly contact with an ex.

[fluke2000]

Hi

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree with you fully here. I guess i am at that stage where i am getting everything straight in my head.

 

I am not a person who would stop a current gf being friends with ex's if it remained, how can i say, 'normal'. She did play alot of mind games which did make me mad. I work overseas and one time when i was in Angola i phoned her and she said he had come around and he had showed her his new pericing in his penis. That was so hurtfull. I dont think she held any respect for me. When i said this to her she replied "respect is earned"...what can you do???????

 

 

Thanks

f2000

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hi

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree with you fully here. I guess i am at that stage where i am getting everything straight in my head.

 

I am not a person who would stop a current gf being friends with ex's if it remained, how can i say, 'normal'. She did play alot of mind games which did make me mad. I work overseas and one time when i was in Angola i phoned her and she said he had come around and he had showed her his new pericing in his penis. That was so hurtfull. I dont think she held any respect for me. When i said this to her she replied "respect is earned"...what can you do???????

 

 

Thanks

f2000

 

Oh wow...she really is a piece of work! Think of it as no great loss to you.

[Somerandomguy82]

I can only imagine how that made you feel. I probably would have reacted to her saying that quite poorly (something along the lines of flying home to tell him how cool I think his penis piercing is). She knows nothing about respect. We all make mistakes in relationships, but this sounds like she was deliberately trying to get a reaction out of you.

 

Crazyaboutdogs is right, this really is no great loss to you.

[MissBfromUK]

Well,i like someone at the moment,but he got out of a relationship last year,they were togther for eight years,they broke up last year,and he is still depressed over her.He says he likes me ,but wants me to give him time.I'm very upset,and i dont know what to do.You see,i didnt know till quite recently,but he said he still sees her.I have a thread about it on here called " I'm confused,does he like me or not ? ".We met soon after they broke up,we werent exactly in a relationship,although he said thats what he wanted,but we have flirted,kissed,e.t.c.

 

 

I'm not sure whether i should continue hanging around with him while he iss till getting over his ex,or lsoe contact with him completely.He has alot of baggage,and in a way i want to be there for him,but at the same time i dont think i can handle it.I just wish he could forget about her .If he likes me enough,i thought he could forget her.He said he thinks i'm lovely,so isnt that enough ?.

 

I agree with the comments here that exes should only be friends with each other and be over each other.I'm not sure if there is anything going on with this guy and his ex or not.Even if he said there wasnt,how would i know if i can believe him or not ?.If they are only friends,why does he have to see her?.Why cant they just text each other now and then ?.Although i'd be upset by that too.And why did she have to agree to meet him,i'm assuming he asked her.She moved on pretty quickly after they broke up,i heard she moved in with someone else.I dont know if she is still with him or not.It's hard to know whether you should bother with someone who cant get over an ex or not.The main thing is though,is that YOU should be their first concern,not the ex.And if you're not,i guess it's best not to bother.

 

I was comparing myself to his ex at first,i havent met her,but have seen photos.If you think someone you like prefers another woman over you,it can really hurt.

 

I'm sorry for what has happened to you aswell.

[pacodemil]

I would say it depends on the situation. How you broke up and the people involved.

[fluke2000]

Hi MissB

It really is a hard one isn’t it. I gave her time to grieve for her past relationship BUT then I did expect her to fully put him in the past at some point. In my case with her getting back with him and then me, that really had to be the point when he was history but she still kept him in her life. I guess I was forced to split with her, otherwise she could walk all over me at any point.

 

Sorry you are going through this, I know what a horrible time it can be. Hopefully it will work out for you. I think there always comes a point when you know in your gut one way or another! I read a quote recently, which I quite like:

 

“never make someone a priority who only makes you an option”

 

Will take a look at your other post.

 

All the best……

 

 

F2000

[MissBfromUK]

Hi.That's a very good quote.I dont like being " second best " and dont see why i should be.I know he was with her for along time,but i dont think that's any excuse really.At the moment,i dnt think i am going to speak to him,as i think i will only feel more hurt,but then again,i'm hurt by not speaking to him aswell.

 

Even if i did wait till he is over her,well,who knows how long that will take ?.I feel like he used me,although i'm not sure.Maybe he does like me,but he shouldnt have strung me along,which is what i think he has done.

 

You're right,exes should be completely in the past,that is why they are an ex,after all.

 

 

I agree with you,it is complicated.I hope you manage to get things sorted aswell.

 

All the best to you too.