Day 6 of NC, but his b-day is next week??

[giggle3474]

I am struggling through day 6 of NC. Actually maybe struggling isn't the right word. I have my low points when I wonder why he hasn't called me or texted me. But for the most part I have been really enjoying my life without the stress of thinking constantly about my relationship. Now that I realize that I was self sabotaging us by being needy and clingy and not having a life or interests of my own, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

 

Back to the point. His birthday is on thursday and we had planned to go away that weekend. Before I started NC, he said he would still want to go even if we are broken up. So what I thought is I would go up to his work on Thursday and wish him a happy b day and take him out to dinner. At that time I would VERY breifly tell him what I have learned about myself in this last week or so and that I honestly think we could have a chance of making it work because there would be A LOT less pressure on him to make me happy (hey I can do that myself!) and I will tell him he doesn't have to answer me now, he can just think about it. Then I will see how he feels about still going away for the weekend but under the understanding that it will just be a fun weekend, no arguing or talking about 'us' or anything that can drag us down. My goal is to have fun but also to show him that I have found myslef and I no longer need to be by his side all the time, i dont need to constantly question him about our relationship, i dont need to be clingy. I can be lighthearted and laugh and smile.

 

So seeing as how we are in NC, should I and how can I break this for next week? Should I just show up at his work on his day? I am 95% sure that he wont have other plans.

 

Also, the subject of sex will probably come up over that weekend. Before, I would have given in hoping that would make him want to stay with me. Now I feel like he should 'buy the cow' (ie: get back together) before he gets any milk. Should I stick to that?

 

Am I just making a big mistake by doing all of this?? Is the fact that I am breaking NC just going to show that I haven't changed a bit and I am still needy?

 

TY!

[arwen]

Reading this post reminded me a lot about my first long term (and on-and-off) relationship. My advise is based on my own experience- I am sorry if it comes accross as blunt.

 

Honestly, I think that doing NC and staying that way is the best way. It seems to me that you are blaming yourself for the break up- you say it is self-sabotage and clinginess. I think no break up is ever caused by the actions of only ONE of the parties involved; clinginess is often triggered by a lack of balance in the relationship or having different needs in terms of time together.

 

What you want to show him (that you can be independent, happy, etc on your own) is aimed at getting back together, while in fact, NC is about getting on with your life, a life without him.

 

If you would spend a weekend with him, surely he would enjoy having sex with you. What is easier than having sex with an ex if the opportunity is there?

 

Please don't make things more complicated than they have to be. Go out with girlfriends this weekend and let him have a party of his own.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[reelbigfish]

I tend to disagree with Arwen. People constantly stress on this forum to do NC and that it will help you move on and be a healthier you - but this forum's title is "Getting Back Together". When I came to this forum only a few weeks ago (and subsequently became a member about a week ago) I see that 85% of the advice given to those who are hurting is do the NC and move on so that you can be a healthier you.

 

If you are in this forum - you don't want to move on and therefore I think the advice should be geared around that - even if it could cause more heartbreak and hurt even more later on down the road. Without big risk there is no big reward.

 

I don't think you should go away with him for the weekend however. I honestly don't even think you should go see him for his birthday as planned. Speaking from experience (and what I'm going through right this second) you will appear 900 times as attractive if you appear to be living your life free and clear. Send him a birthday card wishing him a happy birthday and that you hope things are well - but don't put in there that you miss him etc. It's his birthday. Then after the weekend - Sunday or Monday - call him and see how his birthday was. He will ask how you have been and tell him you have been going out and having a great time (even if you've been eating ice cream on the couch).

 

I hope this helps and good luck with this. It's a tough time and it sucks to high heaven but I have found that if you have a strategy and you break it up into small chunks you will feel more confident and thus feel better about yourself.