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I need some perspective...

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hi all, I'm new... just joined today... heres a story for you.

my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years... he is 19, I am 22... I have never, ever known someone who could understand me so perfectly, or had so much insight... he is wise beyond his years, and I love him so much... but we have always lived in two different worlds because of our age difference. It never bothered me or him until recently... I am becoming a woman... who needs a man... he is afraid to grow up however. He knows I am disappointed because of this. I've tried to brush it aside... tell myself I am becoming materialistic and shallow... but the thing is... when he was 16 and I was 19, I moved accross the country from virginia to california, got my own place and worked my ass off just to be close to him. Its what I wanted to do, it made me happy. I started going to school out here and we attended the same college. We would talk about moving in together... I cherished the idea of seeing him grow into a strong, self sufficient man, and I would be his lady who spoiled him... but he's changed. He doesnt want to move in with me anymore... he wants to stay home with his mom and take it easy... he's never had to do anything difficult or ever go out of his way for me. I understand that he wants to just focus on school and live comfortably... I'm bittersweet about it... I've never had a family to rely on. I'm independent and I've faced the world alone... but just because I do it doesnt mean I want to do it forever... I wish he would fight harder for me. It might sound terrible but I wish he'd step out of his comfort zone for me like I did for him. I'm tired of standing alone... I dont want someone to support me, I just want a strong pillar of a man to be there... standing by my side...

I've spoiled him rotten. I always take him out places, buy him expensive toys... I'm starting to think I've spoiled him too much. He's taken me for granted quite a few times...

I love him... though lately I've been thinking that its time to say goodbye. But he really is a gem of a guy... and I can just see myself regretting leaving him... some new girl will snatch him up and never let him go... I just know it...

But it really hurts me... it seems his own comfortable life is more important to him than I am. I dont know what to do....

I want to challenge him... how can I?

mature and insightful replies only, please!

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The age gap isn't so big, but it certainly seems as though you're in different places at the moment. You're a strong, independent woman who loves this man and knows exactly what she wants. I admire that. The fact that you were willing to take risks and really made a go of yourself, in the name of love, is amazing. However, you're right... he just isn't stepping up to the plate and meeting your needs. You can't force him to change or move along with you; it has to be something he decides for himself. I think you know what you need to do: let him go.

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at the risk of sounding harsh, i think you're being a little unfair. you were able to grow up on your own terms without somebody pushing you, and i admire that you seemed to have done so quicker than most people can, but he isn't ready.


you were dating him since he was fifteen years old, just a boy really. and now he is experiencing all these new things, and probably realizing that he isn't ready to move in with you. moving in with your partner signifies another, deeper level to your relationship, one that, to be honest, most nineteen year old boys are just not cut out for taking. this doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, just that he wants to be nineteen.


twenty-two is still fairly young to be thinking about such a commitment, also. i understand the risk you took by moving to california for him, but that doesn't mean he owes you anything, to be honest.


i think you should relax your expectations just a little and try to let him have his fun now that he can, instead of being so serious with him.

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I agree with both above posters.

You have to realize, he is 19. Thats the bottom line. If you want to be with him, you have to accept that he's a 19 year old who just wants to take it easy and be..well 19!


If you need that man in your life to be there and be strong and be your partner, its obvious he can't give you that...yet. If you can't wait for him to grow into the man you believe he will become, then cut your ties and go your separate ways. You can't force him or make him grow up because this is where you are at. Sure you made sacrifices, but that was because you wanted to and you were ready and now you want more. He seems quite fine being where he is, which is completely fine and normal for a 19 year old guy.

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Lana0120 thank you for your touching response... it made me cry and also thank you Asti for summing it all up for me... kaoticbaby... I dont mind a harsh sounding answer, I want to see everything from all possible angles and then make the best choice that I can. We are pretty serious however... we both know we are young, but we both worship the idea of being together for the rest of our lives from a young age. He eagerly talks about marriage with me, and how we will raise our children and etc... I know were just crazy lol

I actually talked to him the same day I posted this, and told him how I was feeling about everything... he told me he wished that he had more initiative like I do, and that he knows he has things to work on. I've waited this long for him and I DO believe that he'll grow into an amazing man...

... but I'm not sure that I'm helping him to grow or not. I'm moving back to Virginia next month. Part of me wants to just back off and tell him that we should continue the relationship at a different point in life when he's more mature... but the other part of me just wants to wait it out and see how he works on his own problems... I still dont know what to do. Excalibur I do totally agree with your post... Maybe my own selfeshness of not wanting to let him go would only give him a handicap in life

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