My girlfriend doesn't refer to me as boyfriend

[glow113]

I have had this done before, but it came to a head yesterday. My girlfriend works in a lab and has a new phd student. He is younger and attractive. But to make a long story short I met him yesterday and my girlfriend introduced me as 'Neil' and not her boyfriend. I asked her later why and she made a joke and said that it was because "she didn't want to hurt her chances of jumping his bones" and rolled her eyes. Later she said it was because she doesn't want to be judged on if she is attached and wants to be perceived as independent. She doesn't want to be "owned". Does this make sense? It didn't only happen with her workmates either. I feel it might ruin her chances to flirt at work if the guy meets me. She recognizes this logic but says it's different.

 

We have been going out for nine months.

 

Thanks for any help.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I suggest you tell her that since she doesn't consider you her boyfriend then you assume she will have no objection if you date other women.

[BellaDonna]

At first glance, it does not seem strange that she introduced you by your name. But her comments after:

 

I asked her later why and she made a joke and said that it was because "she didn't want to hurt her chances of jumping his bones" and rolled her eyes. Later she said it was because she doesn't want to be judged on if she is attached and wants to be perceived as independent. She doesn't want to be "owned". Does this make sense?

 

are quite concerning. To me it does not make sense at all. I would see that as a red flag. What's so wrong with being "attached"? She should be proud to call herself your GF. If she is anything less than that, I think you should consider ending the relationship. She has a weird conception of what it means to be in a relationship.

 

How long have you been with her?

[JadedStar]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I suggest you tell her that since she doesn't consider you her boyfriend then you assume she will have no objection if you date other women.

 

I agree.

 

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[lana111]

well at first when you said she made the joke a i figured she introduced you by your name bc she talks about you and the guy would know who neil is...

 

but then when you said she said the other stuff i felt different. not that the following was right, but i worked closely with someone i had a thing for when i had a bf. it wasnt until about 2 months into working closely that he found out i had a long term bf bc i was trying to keep that from him. not that she is doing the same thing... just a thought from my experience.

[Day After Today]

I agree with DN....I can't understand that logic...being in a relationship doesn’t make you less independent, perhaps she needs to recognise that......unless she has another motive....

[helplesslyhoping]

I have never referred to any man as to his attachment to me. Not friends, boyfriends or even husbands.

 

The term "boyfriend" just seems sophmoric to me. It seems like a giggle should follow.

 

If it really bothers you, sit her down and let her know it does and why. If she still doesn't want to use a reference when introducing you, you can always tell people yourself.

[arwen]

Hi and welcome

 

Does she introduce you to her female colleagues as your bf? I think it would be more telling if she'd only not introduce you as her bf to single male co-workers, for instance. Honestly, I'd read her 'independence' as 'non-commitment'.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have never referred to any man as to his attachment to me. Not friends, boyfriends or even husbands.

 

The term "boyfriend" just seems sophmoric to me. It seems like a giggle should follow.

 

If it really bothers you, sit her down and let her know it does and why. If she still doesn't want to use a reference when introducing you, you can always tell people yourself.

 

 

Yeah, I agree with you. At a certain age it really seems silly saying boyfriend or girlfriend. You just introduce the person's name. I think I would feel kind of stupid introducing a partner to my work crowd by saying "this is my boyfriend "Joe". I would probably just say "this is Joe". I have met women in their 50's and 60's who say "my boyfriend" and it just seems silly that as a mature adult you are calling your partner a "boyfriend"...it is so high school.

[JadedStar]

I have never referred to any man as to his attachment to me. Not friends, boyfriends or even husbands.

 

The term "boyfriend" just seems sophmoric to me. It seems like a giggle should follow.

 

If it really bothers you, sit her down and let her know it does and why. If she still doesn't want to use a reference when introducing you, you can always tell people yourself.

 

Then if you feel that way it should be no problem when that person you are dating doesn't feel the attachment enough to date only you.

 

I find it sophmoric to string a person along. If you don't like the term boyfriend then you could say your partner, or something that signfiies this person as more than a friend. It makes them feel reduced to nothing but one of your aquaintences.

 

If you can't bring yourself to do that you shouldn't be offended if they view you the same and date other people.

 

But based on what this girl said later I view that as not independent but as hey i want you to only date me, but i am keeping MY Options open.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think a relationship goes deeper than just the word "boyfriend". It is how two people interact and whether it is obvious by their interactions in public that they are indeed a couple. I have seen plenty of couples who introduce each other as boyfriend and girlfriend and yet you can see the distance between them in their body language. In other words, introducing someone as your "boyfriend" doesn't necessarily mean that you act like their girlfriend. It is the actions and feelings which count more than walking around saying to everyone "heeeere's my boyfriend" like when Johnny Carson used to get introduced! I think when two people have an understanding of partnership and feel close and bonded, they are not going to be running off to date others just because their partner introduces them by name rather than by relationship status.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Her logic is very cold. How is the rest of your relationship? When you are out together is she warm with you and is it clear that you two are a couple..or is she very hands off and cool.

[kaoticbaby]

personally, i would NOT, NOT, absolutely NOT stand for that. the fact that you let her get away with this as long as you have amazes me.

 

her reasoning doesn't make any sense to me. would she be equally as opposed to introducing you as her husband if you were married? people aren't looked down upon for having a relationship, regardless of their profession.

 

to be honest, when i was falling out of love with my ex, i found it hard to admitting we were together when i met somebody new that i found good-looking because i wouldn't want to ruin my chances in case my ex and i broke up. if i was directly asked, however, i would admit that i did have a boyfriend at least.

 

she is disrespecting you, whatever her excuse is. i have never met somebody in a relationship and thought "wow, they are definitely not independent."

 

if i was you i'd give her an ultimatum: she tells people that she in a relationship with you, or else she won't be. end of story.

[kaoticbaby]

Yeah, I agree with you. At a certain age it really seems silly saying boyfriend or girlfriend. You just introduce the person's name. I think I would feel kind of stupid introducing a partner to my work crowd by saying "this is my boyfriend "Joe". I would probably just say "this is Joe". I have met women in their 50's and 60's who say "my boyfriend" and it just seems silly that as a mature adult you are calling your partner a "boyfriend"...it is so high school.

 

i agree to an extend, however this would never stop me. her excuse made no sense, and if the OP expects to be introduced as her boyfriend, then she should respect that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i agree to an extend, however this would never stop me. her excuse made no sense, and if the OP expects to be introduced as her boyfriend, then she should respect that.

 

I agree that her excuse made no sense...and there is something deeper going on here. I think, however you can introduce someone as your partner rather than as boyfriend. They could arrive at some kind of compromise.

[kaoticbaby]

I agree that her excuse made no sense...and there is something deeper going on here. I think, however you can introduce someone as your partner rather than as boyfriend. They could arrive at some kind of compromise.

 

true, boyfriend, partner, anything as long as the indication is that they are together.

[JadedStar]

true, boyfriend, partner, anything as long as the indication is that they are together.

 

Exactly. Partner is fine, but this girl didn't say that either.

 

So if some people who introduce themselves as b/f and g/f act distant that is not of concern to the person in question. Each person should be worried about their own relationship not someone else's. If I was dating and he couldn't identify me as their partner, girlfriend, or signiificant other i'd be pretty insulted.

[helplesslyhoping]

I'm just curious why everyone feels the need to stick labels on everyone and everything?

 

It just seems odd to me. the guy I'm dating knows who he is my life. He knows how I feel about him.

 

I don't feel the need to stick him in the "boyfriend" box and vice versa. I also don't want to date anyone else, niether does he.

[DN]

I think the issue here is not a question of terminology or labels but a sense that the partner is attempting to hide the nature of the relationship. If she is then the OP is right to wonder why she would want to do that.

[JadedStar]

I'm just curious why everyone feels the need to stick labels on everyone and everything?

 

It just seems odd to me. the guy I'm dating knows who he is my life. He knows how I feel about him.

 

I don't feel the need to stick him in the "boyfriend" box and vice versa. I also don't want to date anyone else, niether does he.

 

I would be more concerned why someone i was sharing my life with or seriously dating would be so AFRAID of that particular label.

 

IF someone knows how they feel in your life why would it be a problem to utter a word like "partner" "boyfriend" or "significant other"? Is it a label to introduce a friend as "this is my friend -insert name-? it seems it would be pretty strange that a person would have a problem introducing their partner by a title but yet introduce others as a friend and think nothing of it. Or "this is my mother rhonda"....or this is my daughter jane". and so on and so on. Everyone has some type of title that is attached to their relationship to you. Why is a partner any different? It sounds like some people have this issue and say "he knows how i feel why do i have to say it"?

 

Well, to most it feels nice to have their partner declare it wihtout any restrictions. I just can't understand why some people so vehemently avoid the title as if that somehow chains them down or something.

 

Of course it is your perogative to say it or not say it but saying that to do so is "labeling" is a bit much.

All people have some kind of title that describes their relationship in your life. Be it peer, friend, mother, daughter, teacher, etc. Can't see what the big deal is here.

 

I'd even feel it odd if my daughter had a problem telling someone i was her mom, or my mom telling someone i was her daughter.

[Rabican]

and my girlfriend introduced me as 'Neil' and not her boyfriend. I asked her later why and she made a joke and said that it was because "she didn't want to hurt her chances of jumping his bones" and rolled her eyes. Later she said it was because she doesn't want to be judged on if she is attached and wants to be perceived as independent. She doesn't want to be "owned".

 

My response:

 

Oh, I dont want to waste my time with you. And I certainly dont want to OWN a piece of crap GF like you, who cant respect me, or our relationship. Bye bye.

 

Seriously, Id end it. Thats flat out disrespectful, and if she will do that to your face, who knows what else is going on behind her back. Sounds to me shes trying to keep some options open for the guy in class.

[Pixiemeat]

I've got to agree with Rabican. I've introduced an ex by just his name when the relationship was on its way out. I, like your girlfriend made clear, did this because I didn't want the guy I was introducing my bf to know that I was with someone because I wanted to 'jump his bones'.

 

The fact she used that phrase - albeit in a jokey way - speaks volumes. It's something she's clearly thinking about, it's not at all humorous, and I'd be really insulted by it. She could have said you were her partner if she doesn't like the name boyfriend, but that's pretty lame excuse in my opinion. I think you need to have serious discussions about this: so what if she's perceived as attached? AND? SO? You're not locking her away every night and not letting her go out, so how does being in a relationship with you affect her independence? It only does if she considers you a hindrance to her desire to play away, which she clearly does.

 

Someone once mentioned to me that if someone doesn't mention a significant other within 3 meetings, they either don't have one or are on very bad terms with them. I'm not talking about getting into intimate detail about your SO, but a mention is enough. I know it's a pretty crude rule, but it's always served me well. Somehow I doubt she's telling anyone in her place of work about you -and that's concerning.

 

You seem like a nice guy - you deserve better.

[JadedStar]

Someone once mentioned to me that if someone doesn't mention a significant other within 3 meetings, they either don't have one or are on very bad terms with them.

I think that is pretty spot on.

[lady00]

Well, my first impression was that she was joking when she said the thing about wanting to jump the guys bones because that is where she thought the OP's mind immediately went. Some people just don't feel the need/desire to identify their SO as such. It doesn't necessarily mean anything or speak volumes about their relationship. It's just not everyone's preference. I personally never introduce someone I am with as my boyfriend, it just comes more naturally for me to say "this is [person's name]."

 

That said, it could be that the girlfriend really is not joking or that she is using the "joke" to cover up her desire to keep the relationship under wraps.

[pinkelephant]

wow, after reading this thread. i realized that i NEVER introduce my boyfriend as the boyfriend. I mostly just say, "hey this is __name___." i never meant anything by it. although i guess it was mostly subconscious!