WlknCntrdiction Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Right, just before the flames I'm going to tell you guys a little story You may remember that I created another topic asking whether I should send my ex an email because things kind of went bad last time we spoke and she told me to never contact her again. If you want the full story then read this: I said in that topic(the email sending one, not the one linked above) that I wasn't going to send her the email, but then I ended up sending it anyway and adding to it. Here is the email in its entirety: "Hi. I know you said you didn't want me to ever contact you again but I just didn't want to leave things the way they were left between us when we last spoke. I guess it's true what they say about love, it does indeed make you blind. Now I'm not so "loved up" I can say what I am really sorry for, I was sorry all those other times I said sorry but they were said out of fear of losing you, and look where that got us. Now I know what I'm really sorry for, I'm sorry I hurt you Amanda, that I didn't trust you completely, something I should have done from the beginning, I'm sorry you had to see a side of me I never knew existed until it was too late, I'm sorry I took your love for granted and thought it wasn't real, I'm sorry for assuming like I did and for making you upset last time we spoke. I'm just sorry for being such a lousy boyfriend. I didn't deserve someone like you in my life, someone so pure who had been hurt so many times before. I'm truly, greatly, deeply sorry for everything I put you through. I didn't exactly take us breaking up very well but I guess that's just how life is, you stumble, you just have to brush yourself off, get up and try again. I did once love you Amanda and there will always be a place for you in my heart but since we've both moved on I doubt the love we ever had could once again flourish and develop. I suppose after I send you this email all my loose feelings will be resolved and I'll be able to continue without thinking of how bad we left things. I want you to be happy in your life Amanda, and since it wasn't with me it will be with someone else, I hope they treat you right, give you everything I couldn't and that you'll be able to forge new dreams and hopes with them and live a happy life. I wish we could be friends, you were always someone I could talk to about anything, but I think it would be too painful, for both of us if we continued to contact or see each other, even as only friends, and somewhere that makes me sad but I know it's for the best. I miss you every now and again and I think of the fun we had together, I'm grateful we will always have those memories to remember each other by, both good and bad, for they made me who I am right now and I'm thankful they did. I don't know if you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me but I want you to know that I loved you Amanda, I loved you so much. You were my first love Amanda, and I'll never forget you, you'll always have a place in my heart. I'm sorry for who I was and what I put you through. I wish you all the best in everything you choose to do. Your first love, Mat." Yes stupid I know, but hold the flames until the very end because it gets "worse". I then proceeded to call her about 3 dyas later "just because", and it actually was "just because", there was no reason to me calling her, it was just because I could and I felt like it. Surprisingly it wasn't an awkward conversation, it was like we hadn't stopped talking at all. She said she was good, I said I was good, found out what we each had planned for the summer holidays, she's saving up money to go to Brighton still, I've got a month of partying ahead. She told me I was lucky she didn't go to see her "bf" that day because she was ill, her "bf" would normally grab the phone first before she answered it(possessive much?)and she who it was, that thought was on my mind when I rang her though. The funny thing is though it was like old times, I made her laugh, we were just talking and being friendly. We only chatted for about 15 minutes(because I had to go to work)but it was nice to hear her voice again and it made me happy, not "needy happy" but just happy happy that we were being civil and everything. I think that one convo as well said alot about how I had changed too, I didn't make her angry once and the places where I could have said something(like with her "bf" grabbing the phone)I kept my mouth firmly shut, it never even occurred to me to open my mouth because I knew anything I said would have been bad at those points. We said goodbye and went on our separate ways once again. I then got a text from her later on after I had finished work and it said: "I just saw your email now coz I hadn't checked it in ages. I guess I now know why you rang me. I have forgiven you coz I'm not the kind of person who holds on to something like that. All is forgiven." I replied: Thank you Amanda, you don't know how happy you've made me. I forgave myself a while back for what I'd done, I knew there was no point beating myself up about it, you can't change the past, I've accepted what I did and am confident I will never repeat the same mistakes again. It's upto you though if you ever want to be friends. If not then I guess this is goodbye Amanda. Thank you. Mat." She replies: "Ok, yeah we can be friends. Can't see why not" That is all so far.....*hides behind flame shield situated behind a flame wall*.....but wait, there's more. I go on MSN that night after getting back from work and she's on. I don't talk to her of course lol, she starts a convo with me saying if she can ask me a quick question, then she will never bother me again, she asks if I have any feelings for her left, I say "no"(because I really don't, I didn't say no to play hard to get)and she says ok, thats done, thanks. She says it wasn't the answer she was expecting. Then me being the observative chap I am respond with, "Wait, you expected me to have feelings for you still?", she tells me to shut up in a silly way and changes the subject, she asks if I have anyone on my "radar", I tell her "no" but that I'm going to a party and will meet new people so I never know. We keep talking, or more accurately her doing all the talking, I go about half hour after that particular part of the convo transpired, no talk about "us", no talk about her and her new "bf", and no angry talk or what I like to call "me pissing amanda off talk" and it was a good start. My feelings about the whole situation have been absolved because she forgave me, I felt she would never be able to and it feels like a new start overall, for me and for "us" maybe. I'm still going to be NC with her, make her come to me, but again I am completely indifferent to the outcome, I know I can get any girl I want, including her Now the last chapter has closed on my last part of the metaphorical book that I am in, it is time to start writing a new story, and the main focus is me. I'm full of energy and my feelings for my ex have been tied up and I feel like a completely different person. I wouldn't be human if somewhere in my mind I didn't want me and my ex to get back together but I know not to dwell on such thoughts. I'm more than capable of getting another girlfriend, and if it just so happens that my ex and her "bf" break up and she is all over me then so be it, but I'm not going to give her an easy "fight" In closing: It just feels great to be in control again May(possible)flaming now begin. *hides behind flame shield* Link to comment
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