Everytime he pays for something, I end up having to "pay."

[DakotaSkye]

Ok, my boyfriend's behaviors really drive me crazy sometimes, and this one I really cannot understand. I'm just interested in knowing how many people also deal with guys (or girls) who also act this way in regards to paying for food, entertainment, etc.

 

My boyfriend and I generally try to share the responsibilities of paying at restaurants, or for bowling or going out to movies or whatever. I'm not the kind of girl who thinks it's the guy's responsibility to financial sustain his girlfriend. I have a job, and I enjoy taking him out every once in a while. Recently, however, I admit that he has paid for more of our outings than I have. But here's one example as to why this is:

 

One Friday, we decided to go to dinner. I told him before hand that I was planning on paying, so I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. But when the check came, he immediately grabbed it and stuck his credit card in it. I was still eating, so I was planning on waiting until I was finished to pay, obviously. But he always makes a huge show about it when we're out, often stating, "I win," trying to pass it off as playful. If we're renting a movie or bowling, and he happens to get his money out before I do, he pays. I feel like I shouldn't have to play quick draw every time we're in this situation. He appears to be playful about it, but he's really not.

 

I used to think it was really sweet that he was so willing to pay (especially since my last boyfriend refused to pay for anything), but now I know it isn't willingness. He does it so he can have something to hold against me later. Like if we go to dinner and later he acts like a jerk, and I get upset about it, he'll say something sarcastic like, "Well, I guess that's what I get for taking you to dinner." Like taking me to dinner automatically means that I have to put up with anything he throws at me the rest of the night.

 

Recently, we were on a walk and, for some reason, he "jokingly" brought up the fact that if he was single, he would have probably saved thousands of dollars that he's spent on me over the years. I put "jokingly" in quotes because I think we can all deduce the true intention of that statement; he wanted me to feel bad about it.

 

So at that moment, I decided (and I told him this) that I will no longer let him pay for anything for me ever again. I told him that it would be easier for me just to pay because if I let him, I end up having to pay for it later in the form of rude comments and guilt trips. I told him it wasn't worth it. Lately he's been saying, "Good grief" every time I do/say something that he thinks is an overreaction, so that was the response I got.

 

But really, I'm not going to take that from him. If it's such a chore for him to pay, than forget it. I just hate that he tries so hard to "win" at the cash register when he really doesn't find any sort of victory in it whatsoever. Just the victory of holding it over my head like a never-ending rain cloud.

 

Am I doing the right thing by refusing to let him pay for me? I thought, unlike my last relationship, that we could have an equal, MATURE relationship, but if this is the only way I can be free from snide remarks about "not doing my share," then so be it.

[JadedStar]

I know tihs is a simple suggestion but why not prepare ahead of time if you really are planning on paying? Get the credit card out and put it on the restaraunt table before the check even arrives.

 

I have done that before, not for this reason, but because I like to get out of the places i go to quick, so i always get out my credit card if i am the one paying at the same time i ask the waitstaff for the check. When i ask for the check i often get my credit card at same time and have it in my hand or lay it on the table awaiting the check.

 

I also get my wallet out before I even get in line at stores if i am paying.

 

I know it is a pain to have to handle it this way, but if you plan on staying with him you will have to bridge your personality and style to his at least somewhat if you want to reach a more harmonious agreement. If he is a quick draw mcgraw and you don't like him paying all the time you have to be a bit quicker on the credit card retreival from your wallet.

 

Personally I do not think i'd be content to stay with a b/f who made me feel guilty everytime he paid when we went out. I wouldn't stay most likely. But since you didn't mention leaving him as an option the only other option is to change the style in which you currently handle this. He has already proven this is how he is so if you don't change your actions you will continue to have the same result.

[Roasted Carrots]

This doesn't sound healthy at all. Like the above poster said, next time you go out, be prepared to pay first and be prepared to "fight" for it.

 

I don't know if this guy has a warped sense of "the gentleman always pays" and resents it, or if he's just trying to buy you out so he can abuse you verbally later, but call him out on it! Talk to him about it. Ask him why he's so passive aggressive about it. In a nicer way then that, of course.

 

For me, this would be a huge red flag. I would be wondering if he was trying to be a jerk so I'd break up with him, or if he's hiding money troubles from me, or what.

 

Good luck

[DN]

I saw your previous thread about this guy and have to ask "Why are you with him?" - he certainly doesn't seem like someone you like very much.

[greywolf]

ech... If it was me, I wouldn't put up with that. I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel about that.

[Aviatormy]

Just tell him "why do you find the need to complain about paying for everything when you don't give me the chance to pay when I am willing?"

 

This is like a kid that says "OUCH! that fire is hot!" but then he keeps sticking his hand in it to try and impress his buddies.

 

Be stern with him. Tell him that you do not want to hear one more thing about him paying for something. Tell him that for the next few months that you will refuse to go anywhere with him unless he promises to let you pay. If he does not respect that then I would start to distance myself from him and really evaluate the relationship in a whole. It seems like he finds satisfaction and power through money that he is not able to find in other areas of your relationship.

[DakotaSkye]

Yeah, you're right. That is a good suggestion, and I have been trying to do that more and more. But I also like to use exact change, and that's almost impossible to decide ahead of time. But with him, I've been paying with a credit card, or a $20, just because it's easier. It just bothers me that he can't just listen and respect my wishes. It's that way with a lot of things, but this is just another thing that I have to change just because he isn't willing to listen to me. But you're right. If that's all I can do to get him to stop, then I'll be more than happy to do it.

 

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention in the first thread, which you all reminded me of... Yes, I know he does feel conflicted about the whole "a guy should pay" thing. When I ask him why he insists on paying and then b*tches and moans about it, one of his responses is, "Because I'm supposed to pay." So I know he feels like, as a man, he should. But he really doesn't want to, and that's what's apparent to me.

[greywolf]

Yeah, you're right. That is a good suggestion, and I have been trying to do that more and more. But I also like to use exact change, and that's almost impossible to decide ahead of time. But with him, I've been paying with a credit card, or a $20, just because it's easier. It just bothers me that he can't just listen and respect my wishes. It's that way with a lot of things, but this is just another thing that I have to change just because he isn't willing to listen to me. But you're right. If that's all I can do to get him to stop, then I'll be more than happy to do it.

 

That is a huge red flag. Are you sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? There are plenty of men out there who would respect you and what you say. What you said tells me that he doesn't care about you.

[Lana0120]

You're willing to pay and he acts like it's some kind of competition, then holds it over you later on! This would irritate me. I agree with Aviatormy's assessment. Really get to the root of why this is so important to him and that this behaviour is unacceptable to you. Kick his ass. ;-) Seriously though, aside from this habit, what is he like in other ways?

[DakotaSkye]

Yes, it is incredibly irritating. Especially when I feel like I'm a pretty decent girlfriend, willing to pay for things, etc. That's what makes it worse. I don't really feel like I deserve it.

 

Well, Lana, he has a lot of different issues. My last thread was concerning his complete lack of compromise, and that really got to me. He tends to be controlling, but in a way that I didn't really expect. Guilt is his main weapon because he knows it affects me so much. So I've been trying more and more to not let his attempted guilt trips get to me. A lot of times, I also don't feel like an equal in this relationship. And I also don't feel like I'm as important to him as he is to me. There are many different things that I feel about our relationship at different times, and it just gets harder and harder to keep all my feelings straight. My last thread gets into more detail, but in a nutshell, these are my main concerns.

 

Despite all these things, I've learned to accept many of them because I really do love him. He's strong, he's motivated, he's intelligent and competent in many different areas, and we both want to same things out of life. I just don't know if I can move past all of these things or if I should fight them.