The Emotional Divorce - the hardest part?

[floridagirlal]

Hello everyone. I am recently divorced (April) but I have realized that I am not emotionally divorced. And the problem is that I don't know how to proceed with the emotional divorce. I realized all of this on July 4th when everyone is supposed to cook out and have plans to watch fireworks, etc. I didn't have plans and I didn't have children to blame it on. I was alone. My XH called me and was nice enough to invite me to a friends home and I accepted. There were a few married couples there and a few of our single friends too. In particular, there was a woman there that he had known in high school but I didn't know her. She is going through a divorce and knew that we were recently divorced. Now, the problem that I have is that this woman has started calling my XH. I know what you're thinking...we are divorced and I should have nothing to say. I agree with you in my head, but my heart can't understand that. How do I take that next step and accept that he will have woman calling him and will even go out with them??

[PixelPusher]

I think what you have to do first is break contact with your ex, for at least a while. You may be technically divorced but if you are going to social events with him, constantly seeing him, talking to him, etc then it will be tough to let go.

 

I struggled for a while because I met up with my X (and my) mutual group of friends once a week for happy hour. After about three weeks of high anxiety associated with our recent breakup, I realized I couldn't interact with her anymore. She was hoping we could still be "friends" but understood I needed my time. That was about 2.5 years ago and I've seen her once or twice and emailed her maybe a dozen times (all about a financial matter still not settled).

 

It was difficult at first, and heart-wrenching, but I think it is what I needed to do. You HAVE to break those emotional contacts and you simply can't do it if you're interacting with him.

[CallingAllAngels]

I am going through the same thing you are. I am divorced on paper, but not in my heart.

 

Lately, I since the "anger" is gone, I have started to talk to my exhusband more, and even gone over to the house to see him, and even have him stop by. Yes, we are on good terms, and that's better than hating each other, but I realized that this was leading me to huge depression.

 

I'd glad you posted, because I thought I was the only one who had to go "no contact" AFTER their divorce.

 

What I realized is that I never got to "mourn" the loss of my marriage. During the divorce (which was just final in May) I was SO BUSY being angry and fighting that I didn't have time to be sad. When it was over, it was just "done". We had some financial matters and the house to discuss, so I decided it was best to be on good terms.

 

That's when I realized I am not over him.

 

And that's probably the same for you. Unfortunately, not enough time has passed for you to be "friends". Does enough time ever pass? That I do not know.

 

Good luck to you.

 

~Allie

[lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

it is better for you NOT to get in touch with him socially... to protect your heart from suffering.Otherwise you may track him all the time, who he is with, who he is calling to, and etc. Is that what you want?

 

don't do that to yourself.

 

It is better to stay alone than to be in this kind of situation. Next holiday, if you have no one to hang out with, open a bottle of wine, have some, rent a great dvd and then go to sleep in peace.

 

May God bless your heart.

[bartels]

Yes, you should not have accepted the invite. It might have made you feel a bit better for the afternoon but it stalls your healing. You and him are no longer together, so don't "act" like you are. Find new friends.