Can we work this out, or is it too late?

[Snoopy24]

I know a lot of you know my never ending saga with my boyfriend.

 

For those who don't-

We have been going out a year and half.

 

He cheated on me the first 3 months with his ex. 3 times physically. The rest emotionally.

 

I found out 3 months later, from his ex, and he denied it for another 3 months. I stayed with with because I love him more than anything, and I know he feels the same.

 

 

 

I have never gotten over it, and I broke up with him about a month ago for that reason. Until he convinced me to try and work it out. I love this man more than anything, I want this to work, but we have so many issues, and drama, that I just don't know if we can.

 

Okay now our latest issue...

 

On memorial day weekend, I kind of fell for my dads friends son. I guess it was a little "crush" I already made a thread about it. I did not cheat on my boyfriend and never would. My boyfriend knows all about it, and the guy lives in Maine. I live in NY. 10 hours away.

 

So me and the guy from Maine have kept in touch. The feelings have turned more into a friendship and we have never discussed anything romantic with each other. So no, I never emotionally cheated on my bf either.

 

I talk/text with this guy from Maine, maybe every couple days. I have spent a lot of time with his family, and that is all he is now. A friend of the family.

 

Well needless to say my boyfriend is not happy, which is 100% understandable, but now imo, this is his own issue he needs to deal with. I have told him time and time again we are just friends.

 

Since Memorial day he has shown a whole new side to him. Whenever I get a call or text from anyone, he flips out! Thinking it's him. He gets furious when I talk to him. He has threatened to hurt him next time he is in the area.

 

Last week the guy from Maine was texting me about this 19 year old girl that is a friend of the family for 25 years and lives down the block, and she told him she had a crush. He said the feelings weren't mutual and he asked for advice. Two days later, I got a text from the guy from Maine with my boyfriend standing there. This is what happened....

 

BF: Standing there all furious, making faces. "He likes you."

 

Me: "Calm down. No he doesn't. We are just friends. He even talks about his girl Problems. "

 

BF: "Oh, LET ME GUESS, some girl likes him but he doesn't feel the same. All guys say that to girls they like to make them jealous"

 

..now at this point, I'm thinking wow, that's weird he guessed that.

 

Until he says " ohh and let me guess it's a younger girl that's been a friend of the family for years"

 

So now it's pretty obvious he went in my phone and read that. He gave himself away.

 

So I calmly say " oh, so you read my messages haha"

 

Bf: * * * NO! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THAT.

 

He stormed out, and all day he was furious with me for accusing him of looking through my phone, and "I have some nerve." Cursing at me, and flipping out all day. I told him to never talk to me again until he can admit it.

 

Later on that night, 8 hours later...

 

"sorry I went in your phone, I didn't want you to get mad. "

 

Now ever since this, I can't even look at him without getting mad.

 

It's bad enough he invaded my privacy, but he lied to my face and reversed it on me.

 

This is not the first time he has done this either, and I am just so furious with him. I'm thinking this is the final straw. Am I foolish for STILL staying with him? He probably won't ever change will he?

 

 

 

I talked with him about his lying the other day and he says "he wants help"

 

How can someone help him stop lying???

 

I am just at my wits end and don't know what to do.

 

Any advice or comments are very much appreciated.

 

-Laura

[Lana0120]

I think the real problem is not about the lying, but about whether to stay with this man or not. It sounds like you have some doubts because of his lying, his cheating and general bad behaviour! I'm not surprised, any sane woman would. If your relationship was solid, you wouldn't be developing a little crush on someone else like that. No one can stop him from lying but him, unfortunately, but you can stop him from hurting you.

[Snoopy24]

I think the real problem is not about the lying, but about whether to stay with this man or not. It sounds like you have some doubts because of his lying, his cheating and general bad behaviour! I'm not surprised, any sane woman would. If your relationship was solid, you wouldn't be developing a little crush on someone else like that. No one can stop him from lying but him, unfortunately, but you can stop him from hurting you.

 

Our relationship hasn't been solid for awhile, and you are right, that could be a reason why I developed this "crush" But like i said I would never cheat on him, and I got past that, and only think of this guy as a friend now.

 

But this is not the first time he has lied, and every time I confront him, he swears he will never lie again, and I'm his world.

 

I give him chance after chance and he does it again.

 

How many chances can you give a person? I feel like next time he lies, I can only blame myself for staying with him, ya know?

[lunatic]

My advice is to not waste anymore time with this jackal. He lied, cheated, and is verbally/mentally abusive. You need to get out of there now.

 

You are a pretty young lady who will have no troubles landing a guy who would not only appreciate you for you and worship the ground you walk on.

[Lana0120]

Indeed, there is that saying 'shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice'. I think that when people are hurt by the ones they love, they hope that they will change and tend to give them chances. Sometimes, people do change. However, this man isn't going to change. So as much as it's going to rip your heart apart, it may be best to end it. Especially if he does have a history of cheating. It wouldn't surprise me if he ended up breaking your heart in another way, by getting it on with another girl at some point in the future.

[Snoopy24]

My advice is to not waste anymore time with this jackal. He lied, cheated, and is verbally/mentally abusive. You need to get out of there now.

 

You are a pretty young lady who will have no troubles landing a guy who would not only appreciate you for you and worship the ground you walk on.

 

Thank you

 

It's like I kind of know I need to break up with him but I can't. I love him so much.

 

There was a point not that long ago I had no doubt in my mind I was going to marry this man, and spend the rest of my life with him. A part of me is just hoping things will go back to how they were, but they keep getting worse.

[Snoopy24]

Indeed, there is that saying 'shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice'. I think that when people are hurt by the ones they love, they hope that they will change and tend to give them chances. Sometimes, people do change. However, this man isn't going to change. So as much as it's going to rip your heart apart, it may be best to end it. Especially if he does have a history of cheating. It wouldn't surprise me if he ended up breaking your heart in another way, by getting it on with another girl at some point in the future.

 

Exactly! That is how I feel. I feel like I'm the dumba** who keeps forgiving him, and letting him do the same things to me over and over, and it's really my fault.

 

As untrustworthy as he has been, I don't think he would cheat again. I really don't. But you never know. He was able to do it in the beginning, he could do it again.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

I thought you broke up with this guy for good.Anyhow you keep following your heart but sometimes you have to let your head take over.Maybe it's time for a clean break.

[Snoopy24]

I thought you broke up with this guy for good.Anyhow you keep following your heart but sometimes you have to let your head take over.Maybe it's time for a clean break.

 

I did break up with him...but then I took him back. I know I know.

 

Are you supposed to listen to your head? ..or your heart?

 

Because my head tells me to leave and not look back, but my heart is his, and if I leave he will have it.

[riley123]

Bf: * * * NO! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THAT.

 

He stormed out, and all day he was furious with me for accusing him of looking through my phone, and "I have some nerve." Cursing at me, and flipping out all day. I told him to never talk to me again until he can admit it.

 

 

His tirade reminded me of this quote:

 

“Liars are always ready to take oaths.” ~Vittorio Alfieri (Italian Poet)

 

I think you’d be wise to let go and find happiness with someone new.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

I did break up with him...but then I took him back. I know I know.

 

Are you supposed to listen to your head? ..or your heart?

 

Because my head tells me to leave and not look back, but my heart is his, and if I leave he will have it.

 

Well sometimes things have to run their course and the head gets over ruled.But you have have to ask yourself if you're really happy or is it worth it.Are there better options out there?My head has been in charge for a while now..and I hope you reach there too.You'll know if something's meant to be when the head and heart are in total agreement.

[Girl79]

Well I can see where your guy is coming from. How would you like it if he had a crush on another girl, confessed to you that he liked her, then texted back and forth with her and told you that they are now "friends". I know I wouldn't like it one bit, and I'd be paranoid that something was going on. So I can really see how he would be pissed off. It sounds like if you want to make this relationship work, the first thing you are going to have to do is not associate with the guy you used to have a crush on. The second thing you have to do is TRUST him. Put all of the issues of him cheating on you behind you, and focus on all the good things and your future together if there is one.

I don't really know what he has lied about, and are they really big lies or just little white lies? It doesn't really matter though, you need to either go to counseling with him and help him with his lying problem or break up with him. He sounds like he really loves you though, and you really love him, so if he is willing to get help, maybe it's worth sticking around for a bit.

[Snoopy24]

Well sometimes things have to run their course and the head gets over ruled.But you have have to ask yourself if you're really happy or is it worth it.Are there better options out there?My head has been in charge for a while now..and I hope you reach there too.You'll know if something's meant to be when the head and heart are in total agreement.

 

When I first started dating him, my brother said "you're getting closer, but he's still not the one"

 

And a part of me thinks he was right.

 

This is my 3rd Long term relationship, and I just thought I finally found the one.

 

But when I think of all of these issues we have, I know I don't want to spend my whole life with this drama.

 

I saw myself marrying him and having babies with him in the next couple of years, and I feel if I let him go, I'll be letting go of my whole future plans.

 

I'm nearing 30, and I don't want to be single, and I will feel like I will never find anyone if I leave him.

 

With all of the problems we have, he is still my best friend. I am 100% comfortable around him. I can tell him anything, be 100% myself. We have such a strong bond, besides all the bs we have gone though and I feel like I will never find that with anyone else again in my life.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

I totally understand but I reached the point where I would rather be alone and available for something better than to be miserable with someone I love.Like I said you will know when the time is right when your head starts to take over.

[Snoopy24]

I know I was wrong to have feelings for someone. I'm not denying that. It just happened. But on the other hand I was open and honest about the whole situation, and I got past it. I won't stop talking to him, because he has turned into a good friend. *and I have known him since I was 13 btw. But recently got reaquanted. I talk to his brother and mom almost just as much. We are all really close.

 

 

And the fact that I told my bf I had feelings gives him absolutely no right to invade my privacy and lie to my face about something I already knew. I have never given him a reason not to trust me.

 

He lied for 3 months straight while he cheated. About talking to her, where he was..etc. And ok that's the past, but he still lies about little things constantly and big things once in awhile. But the thing is most of his lies are things I KNOW he lies about 100% and he always admits it long after the fact. So it makes me wonder what else he lies about, that I DON"T know?

 

He admitted he has a lying problem, and he said he wants help. But that sounds absurd to me.

 

I agree counseling would probably be a good idea, but I don't think that could help the lying problem.

[Girl79]

You WILL find someone else! I went through the same thing with my ex, except we were together for 8 years. I was scared to break up with him and to be alone and be single forever. But I met someone else and he is better than my ex ever was, treats me better, there is no drama with him like there was with my ex. If you are only staying because you are scared to be alone, that right there should tell you he isn't the one. Trust me when I tell you that you will find someone who is better suited for you. There are many great guys out there who don't have a problem with lying.

[Girl79]

Well it sounds like you know what you need to do then. You are still so young and pretty, you will have NO problems finding a guy who treats you great and doesn't lie. You deserve so much better than him.. and I think you are realizing that. Think of how great it would be to be with someone who you never have to wonder if he is telling the truth.

[Snoopy24]

You WILL find someone else! I went through the same thing with my ex, except we were together for 8 years. I was scared to break up with him and to be alone and be single forever. But I met someone else and he is better than my ex ever was, treats me better, there is no drama with him like there was with my ex. If you are only staying because you are scared to be alone, that right there should tell you he isn't the one. Trust me when I tell you that you will find someone who is better suited for you. There are many great guys out there who don't have a problem with lying.

 

I'm not staying with him because I'm scared to be alone. I'm with him because I love him, and I feel if I leave I will never find someone with the same bond him and I have.

 

Trust me, I wouldn't stay with anyone after they cheated, but I stayed with him. that's gotta show you right there how much I love him. But I just feel I can't keep letting him do these things to me and walk all over me. It's like he knows I'll forgive him, so he keeps doing it. But I'm at the point where I feel things are just getting worse.

 

And ever since the guy from Maine came in the picture he has this scary temper and jealousy issue he never had before.

 

I have a total of maybe 5 good guy friends I've known for years. Now if I talk to any of them, he flips out. And he was never like this before. and he has met them all..

[Snoopy24]

Well it sounds like you know what you need to do then. You are still so young and pretty, you will have NO problems finding a guy who treats you great and doesn't lie. You deserve so much better than him.. and I think you are realizing that. Think of how great it would be to be with someone who you never have to wonder if he is telling the truth.

 

Thank you : -)

 

I'm not that young anymore though! haha

 

I honestly think if i were to leave him, I'd be single forever.

 

I just can't go through another breakup again.

 

I'll never trust anyone again. I have so much trust issues now because of him.

[riley123]

Trust me, I wouldn't stay with anyone after they cheated, but I stayed with him.

 

It's like he knows I'll forgive him, so he keeps doing it. But I'm at the point where I feel things are just getting worse.

 

And ever since the guy from Maine came in the picture he has this scary temper and jealousy issue I have never noticed.

 

I have a total of maybe 5 good guy friends from mostly high school. Now if I talk to any of them, he flips out. And he was never like this before. and he has met them all.

 

These are some pretty BIG red flags. He's cheated, he lies, he's jealous and he has a temper.

 

These traits aren't the ingredients needed for a healthy marriage.

[Snoopy24]

These are some pretty BIG red flags. He's cheated, he lies, he's jealous and he has a temper.

 

These traits aren't the ingredients needed for a healthy marriage.

 

ok, this is probably pretty naive of me to say. But I'm am 99.9% positive he wouldn't cheat again.

 

I know that doesn't take away the lies, jealousy and temper, but do you think therapy could sort that out? Or someone who has these traits will always have them, and they could perhaps get worse?

 

He was never like this before, and I'm just hoping things can get back to the way they were, but I'm starting to think that's a very slim chance.

[riley123]

Therapy helps to identify issues and behaviors, but he would have to put forth the effort to solve them. Would he be willing/capable of doing that?

 

I think YOU need space from the relationship. Stop clinging to him – or thoughts of who he used to be and how things were – that’s in the past. You need to base decisions off who he is right now, and I get the sense you don’t like that person very much.

 

You’re better than how you’re allowing yourself to be treated. Much better.

[Snoopy24]

Therapy helps to identify issues and behaviors, but he would have to put forth the effort to solve them. Would he be willing/capable of doing that?

 

I think YOU need space from the relationship. Stop clinging to him – or thoughts of who he used to be and how things were – that’s in the past. You need to base decisions off who he is right now, and I get the sense you don’t like that person very much.

 

You’re better than how you’re allowing yourself to be treated. Much better.

 

He says he is willing. He says he will do anything to stay with me. But he hasn't shown that is that willing since he keeps repeating his actions.

[Snoopy24]

and yeah we spend EVERY single day together. i do agree we need space to try and sort this out.

[riley123]

He says he is willing. He says he will do anything to stay with me. But he hasn't shown that is that willing since he keeps repeating his actions.

 

Bingo. Actions speak louder then words.

 

You have a good head on those shoulders. Don't wait around for a tomorrow that may never come.