deleted-account Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I've been with this girl around 3 months, she is amazing. I'm 24, she's 25. We spend most of our time together when we're not at work, often doing things as simple as making dinner together and just being around each other. We started talking about sexual history. I know she has had two boyfriends before, and one guy she dated on/off last summer and fall. She was saying that she'd only been with the two boyfriends, and that she wouldn't do anything sexual with someone who wasn't a boyfriend. I could see in her face that she was hiding something so I kept pressing and she eventually admitted to messing around with the summer guy for a bit. I can handle the whole sexual history bit, I'm just very annoyed that she lied to me. It's not the first time something like this has happened. When we first started dating, the summer guy found out and started texting her a lot cause he was jealous. She would text back and forth with him, but was hiding it from me the entire time until I found out. In no way do I believe she's involved with this other guy, but I'm very concerned with her lying to me. Honesty is the #1 thing for me. Is this something I should just get over? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Yes. Her sexual history is her business. Pressing her on it was not cool. Link to comment
karvala Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I don't think it's something you should just get over, but I don't it should be an automatic deal-breaker either. Instead, I'll make the rather predictable comment that it's something you need to talk to her about, asking her clearly why she lied about it, telling her it's okay that she had something with this guy as long as it's really in the past (and that you would like to know if it's not), and emphasising to her the value that you put on honesty. Do it in a nice, friendly way, and I'm sure she'll see that honesty is the best policy where you are concerned. If you catch her lying about her dealings with him again after that, then it becomes a whole different matter, but at the moment it's something you two can easily get past together. Link to comment
karvala Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Yes. Her sexual history is her business. Pressing her on it was not cool. I agree that she's certainly entitled to keep her sexual history private if she wishes to, but in that case she should have said that's what she wanted to do, rather than lied about. I think it's the dishonesty that the OP is most concerned with, and especially as she continued to be in touch with this guy secretly making it something more than just history. Link to comment
deleted-account Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Yeah, I'm not concerned with the sexual history and I'm about 99% sure this guy isn't in the picture anymore. It's just the lying that I have an issue with. Link to comment
Massari Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 There is two different arguments here, sexual history and her current involvement with the summer guy. What she did in the pas and who she slept or fool around with shouldn't bother you so much since you weren't in her life in that period. What bothers me however is the fact that she hides the summer guy messaging her, if she responded flirty to him then thats a red flag right there and I wouldn't be happy either. Talk to her about it and see what she has to say about this guy, i know how it feels to have one of these guys interfere your relationship and unless your girl doesn't tell him to off she is equally as guilty as him. Link to comment
deleted-account Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 There is two different arguments here, sexual history and her current involvement with the summer guy. What she did in the pas and who she slept or fool around with shouldn't bother you so much since you weren't in her life in that period. What bothers me however is the fact that she hides the summer guy messaging her, if she responded flirty to him then thats a red flag right there and I wouldn't be happy either. Talk to her about it and see what she has to say about this guy, i know how it feels to have one of these guys interfere your relationship and unless your girl doesn't tell him to off she is equally as guilty as him. She did tel the summer guy off after I found out about the messaging and told her I didn't like it. I never saw much of what she texted back to him, so I don't know if she was flirting, but I saw one from him and wanting to kiss her. I told her that it made me uncomfortable and she took care of it and told him to stop. He hasn't been in the picture that I know of for at least 1.5 months. As I said, the lying is the only issue I have with her. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Trust is huge in a relationship. If you can't trust your SO then you're in for a bumpy ride. I would suggest you talk things through with your girlfriend and tell her how her actions make you less trusting of her. You have to work through this issue with her asap otherwise it becomes a snowball effect that will eat you throughout the relationship. Link to comment
Massari Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 She did tel the summer guy off after I found out about the messaging and told her I didn't like it. As I said, the lying is the only issue I have with her. Thats good then, I am thinking the reason she didn't tell you was because she thought its no that big of deal and didn't want to upset you, she did take care of it which i like and shows she doesn't like fooling around with random guys. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 The reason I think she didn't tell him was because she wasn't comfortable talking about it. Most likely due to the proximity in time and because the guy wasn't her bf. Are you exclusive? Were you exclusive / how long had you been together when you had this talk? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Asking about prior sexual relationships is always a problematic topic. Some people are so hung up on it due to jealousy or deciding what is 'too many' or 'too few' relative to what they think another person should have. She could have been avoiding something she thought you might judge her harshly for, or was afraid you might take badly (as in she was bad because she had casual sex with someone). Some men really judge women harshly who've had one night stands or FWB situation, since society still has a double standard when it comes to sex. And if the 'secret' texting wasn't about meeting up for sex, then it doesn't mean anything and nothing wrong with it. maybe she was texting other friends too, but you just happened to care about this texting because it is someone she once slept with (i.e., you are focusing on this guy because she once slept with him, while not caring about her other friends she texts). So I don't see this in the same category as lying about cheating, or one could argue they aren't really lies, just interpretations of events, or attempts to avoid things she's afraid you'll judge her harshly on. But the truth is what happened in the past with whoever she slept with isn't relevant. What is relevant is whether she is faithful now. If she's not cheating on you, let it go and let the past be past. Many people will gloss over negative things in their past because they're embarrassed by it and it's not 'lying' in the classic sense, more embarrassment driven white lies. Link to comment
shikashika Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Why would you press her for details after only being with her for 3 months??? That would be infuriating. I wouldn't stay with a guy who did that? Maybe that reeked of insecurity and she just told you something because you were pushing her. No she shouldn't have lied.. but you shouldn't have pressed her either.... Now it seems like you're tyring to defend yourself for your behaviour by putting her in the you've-been-naughty seat and making yourself seem like a vicitim. Get over it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 She was saying that she'd only been with the two boyfriends, and that she wouldn't do anything sexual with someone who wasn't a boyfriend. I could see in her face that she was hiding something so I kept pressing and she eventually admitted to messing around with the summer guy for a bit. This is what I find problematic...sayind that she wouldn't do anything sexual with someone who wasn't a boyfriend when that is exactly what she did. It is not about what she did with this summer fling that is the issue, it is the fact that she made it seem like she would never do such a thing...that her value system wouldn't allow her to do such a thing...and yet she was lying about her values. Now, maybe she would not do such a thing anymore, but it is very misleading to say you would never do something when you actually have indeed done it. Not only that, but she continued interacting with this guy even while you were seeing her. The guy would not interact and send flirty messages if she was not giving encouragement. So, yeah, her honesty is indeed in question here and I would suggest you talk to her about it. Without honesty a relationship is pointless. Link to comment
DN Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells. That used to be the rule before STDs and there was a good reason for it. These days it's wise to be aware of the possibility of diseases but even that can be covered without going into explicit detail. The most likely reason she lied is from a sense of embarrassment - and I can understand why she might feel that way. But she did tell the truth eventually whereas she could have just told you to mind your own business and take a hike. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Dude I think you need to chill abit. Dont ask her anymore about her history and dont "press" her. She probably lied because she felt uncomfortable and didnt want to hurt you. I would keep my eyes and ears peeled for this other guy but dont ask about him. if it seems like she is spending time with him or is invovled with him then you can decide to walk. Never be afraid to walk. That in itself is empowering. She will respect you more if you are prepared to walk. She wont respect you if you make a big dael of it however. Link to comment
deleted-account Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Why would you press her for details after only being with her for 3 months??? That would be infuriating. I wouldn't stay with a guy who did that? Maybe that reeked of insecurity and she just told you something because you were pushing her. No she shouldn't have lied.. but you shouldn't have pressed her either.... Now it seems like you're tyring to defend yourself for your behaviour by putting her in the you've-been-naughty seat and making yourself seem like a vicitim. Get over it. I pressed because I knew she had lied or was hiding something. The topic came up while we were sitting around at her place and we were discussing sex and the things that go along with it. We were both equally in the conversation/questions until I had asked about her history and she lied, which was obvious to me. I don't take sex lightly, so if I'm going to be having sex with someone I don't see the big deal in knowing their history. Agent, yes, we are exclusive. We dated for about a month and then became exclusive for about the last 3 months. The talk was just last night/this morning. In general once someone lies to me it makes it a lot harder to believe everything else they say. If you can lie about one thing you can lie about anything. After having more time to think about it, this is something I'm going to be able to get over pretty quickly. However, I'm sure we'll have a good talk about it this weekend and she'll know how important honesty is to me. Link to comment
Comeback_Kid Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Don't even ask. Do you really want to picture other guys inside of her anyways? I never ask, and when it comes up, i dodge it Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I think so, yes. She didn't lie so much as hide things from you, because you kept pressuring her for information and she wasn't sure how you would react. Link to comment
deleted-account Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 I'm realizing that she lied out of embarrassment... she wasn't trying to decieve me on anything. All is going to be fine. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 i think your problem is the past concerns you so much. not a lie. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 It's important to ask questions you want answers to, and that are relevant and necessary information for you to know. If you must know a partner's sexual past history in detail, you're not prepared to handle a relationship. Who they've been with in every way, where they've been and waht they've experienced and how they've perceived it has made them into the person you so desire and admire..and leave it at that. If you're insecure in that you've had too little in your definition "sexual encounters or experience" and you're wanting to ensure that the people you're with havent had more experience than you - you might try dating for a while older women - at least 10-12 years older than you. Yuo'll assume and know they have infinitely more sexual experience, as a result of more years on the planet and in being an adult, than you- it won't intimidate you - and they'll sexually educate you simultaneously. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 ain't it the truth. usually i don't ask. i usually assume anybody they were with or talk about had sex with them. i'm more interested in how they were. what their past bf was like. so i can compare myself to the types of guys that attract her. Link to comment
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