I'm... so messed.

[Russ]

So I've been going out with this girl for a little while now. She's amazingly intelligent, quick, witty, you know, the whole personality part. Which to me is 70% of the relationship.

 

There is one problem though. She's.. unattractive physically. And I know it's completely shallow, but hell, there's got to be some sort of physical attraction, right?

 

I don't want to leave her because of this though. She can look stunning, but after her last breakup, she put on a ton of weight.

 

So.. being the completely honest idiot that I am, I felt I had to square things. She's been asking me why I'm not all cuddly and touchy-feely. And she's been harassing me about this for a while. So I told her, in the best possible way.

 

I did stress that I don't want to end it because I feel the emotional part of a relationship is much more important. She wasn't upset, and she told me that she understands, and I know she's actually started to try and lose weight, because of me. But we've had this inside thing about.. well, honesty, and I feel if I can be this open with her, we'll be able to get past anything in the future.

 

Comments and opinions. I do know I'm a total sleaze, etc, for telling this to her, but I didn't want to lie to her about all of this, so don't cuss me out completely.

[kaoticbaby]

i was actually flinching while i read your post.

 

what kind of advice are you looking for?

 

sometimes honesty is not the best policy, and i think this is one of the cases. if you're so turned off that you can't touch her unless she loses weight, then maybe you don't love her as much as you think you do?

 

edit: if i was gaining a considerable amount of weight, and i asked my boyfriend about it, i would like for him to tactfully verify that i WAS gaining too much weight. but if he told me that was the reason why he wasnt touchy feely with me anymore, i would dump him, honestly. if my boyfriend was gaining too much weight (like more than 20 lbs), i would find a way to hint at it, but i would never feel less inclined to hug and kiss him... i love him!

[NametheGame]

I think it's great that you guys are able to be that honest with each other. It's a touchy subject, for sure, and hard to talk about, but it seems like you were sensitive and told her you still care for her in spite of the lack of physical attraction, and weren't pressuring her to lose weight or anything. I can't see that you've done anything wrong.

Do make sure you tell her if you notice that she looks nice on a certain day, or if she's being successful in her efforts to be healthy, 'n just things in general you like about her, like if she has pretty hair or something!

[Russ]

well, just how much weight are we talking about? 10, 15, 50 lbs? if it's 10 lbs, i'd say you are really shallow. if it's to the point where she is really overweight, then i agree, she should lose. i guess you were honest, i agree, attraction is really important. body talks are really hard to deal with.

 

do you think you will continue dating her? what if her diet doesn't work?

 

Well, I'm 180 right now, at 6'2. And I've a hell of a lot more muscle. She's about 5'7, and 165. So 25 lbs, at least. It's not even a bit of chub. It's pretty damn heavy.

 

I think.. I'll adjust. Hell, if I have to redefine the meaning of 'expectations', I think I'd do my best.

[Russ]

A quick side note, she eats extremely unhealthy. I've developed a personal hate, and I do mean hate, for McDonalds, and she has that frequently. Well, she's starting to reduce it now. But I can't kiss her right after she has the McDonalds, it personally makes me sick. Like, we walked in, and my stomach started to ache, literally.

 

Her parents are both fit freaks, and are near ecstatic that I came about.

 

And my main concern, is that she, along with her family, has a bad history of cancer. So it's extremely dangerous for her to have such eating habits. I'd not be able to bear to lose an SO by death.

[kaoticbaby]

if she were a guy that was 5"7, then 165 wouldn't be too horrible. my cousin is barely 5"0 and she was around 150 at one point, and she still didn't look horribly fat.

 

it's hard to feel that your boyfriend doesn't think you're pretty. it's hard to know that that is the reason why he doesn't touch you as much.

 

it's not your fault, obviously, because you can't change how you feel. but i think there's a way to be honest without being brutally honest. i couldn't hurt my boyfriends feelings like that.

 

i just think that in this case you could have sugar-coated the truth just a little.

[bear12]

uh, okay, maybe i only don't hate you b/c i'm skinny myself, but i don't think what you said is so horrible. heck, i give you props for dating her in the first place.. a lot of guys (or girls) wouldn't date someone they didn't immediately find very physically attractive.

 

i also don't think it was a bad thing to be honest with her. i always prefer the truth over lies.. even white ones i get what you're saying about wanting physical attraction, but more than that i understand your desire for your partner to be healthy and able to do the same kinds of activities that you enjoy.

 

honestly, though, i think at some point you have to realize that you can't control the appearance of ther person you're with. you could be with a freaking (can i say that word?) model and then she could go and randomly gain 100 lbs (i think we've seen some celebrity examples of that even!) or never lose the baby weight- or, you know, not age well, or anything. i think what's important is that you have a great emotional/intellectual connection. you seem to have it with this girl. and even if she isn't a 10 in your book, there's got ot be aspects of her that you find attractive- whether it's her eyes or her smile or any other part of her body. focus on that. stress a healthy lifestyle and if she's healthy and still ends up at 165 lbs, so what?

 

of course, this advice may be a bit more relevant if you were like 30 and looking to settle down. at 18 (is it?) you're probably not necessarily looking for "the one," in which case, if you really don't want to stick this one out, then you might as well just move on. that might sound harsh to some people (for her sake) but you're young, these things happen, plenty of fish, you know...

[Russ]

Thank you for the support.

 

I won't leave her over this, because I know I'm pretty much all the motivation there is in terms of this, and I want her to get healthy, so that if things don't work out, it's because of something more than her physical appearance.

 

I am looking for long term now, not marriage, but definitely not a 4 month fling. I know I can do better, but I don't want to do better, and in my mind it justifies that there's something special for her.

 

I just talked to her again, and she seems okay with it. She knows she has my total support, whatever her decision may be, but she is trying, and I've seen what she can look like when she loses the weight.

[Fisch]

Nobody is messed up for considering physical attraction to be important in a relationship. What is it that makes you want to be her boyfriend instead of just her friend? Don't put yourself in a position that makes you feel as if you are settling, it sucks for you and her.

[PinkPearls]

So how about you guys get (or stay) fit together? Keep each other motivated, make a healthy dinner together at one of your places rather than go out for dinner (With my last boyfriend, he took me out to dinner far too often, and I noticed that I was starting to gain some weight, so we started doing this), take a walk, run, or go biking together. Its so much easier to stay fit when your exercising with someone else, heck it doesnt even feel like excersize when my friend and I do some of that stuff. That way your being an important part of this process, and actions speak louder than words, so she can see that your by her side with this.

 

On that note, I would want my boyfriend to let me know if it was an issue. I HATE when people bottle stuff up that bothers them, and then just end up leaving, because it doesnt change... when I dont know that it bothers them. So I definitely give you kudos for being upfront and honest with her, and doing it in what seemed to be a tactful way on such a touchy subject!

[ghost69]

chances are you will not get over this. i've done it. same situation. she never wanted to change herself physically and even put on a few more pounds since we started dating. i had to let her go.

[rokston]

chances are you will not get over this. i've done it. same situation. she never wanted to change herself physically and even put on a few more pounds since we started dating. i had to let her go.

 

i agree with this but it is a very individual perspective - different people value different things and have different expectations. i have tried staying/dating with people who i thought were really really great but did not feel a strong physical attraction to. after a while it just doesn't work for me - we can be friends but i felt like i was pretending to me more than that. after all you should want to cuddle/have physical contact with your partner. initially, i thought myself very very shallow for feeling this way (perhaps i am). in the end, i have accepted that it is what it is.

[kaoticbaby]

ultimately, i feel like love alters your perception of the person you are with, even physically. i'll be honest, when i first met him i wasn't too impressed with him in the looks department. but as time went on and i started falling for him, man nobody turns me on more.

 

just as a mother will never think their child isn't good looking, i think anybody i am in love with emotionally will thereforee be attractive to me physically regardless of what they actually look like.

[ghost69]

ultimately, i feel like love alters your perception of the person you are with, even physically. i'll be honest, when i first met him i wasn't too impressed with him in the looks department. but as time went on and i started falling for him, man nobody turns me on more.

 

just as a mother will never think their child isn't good looking, i think anybody i am in love with emotionally will thereforee be attractive to me physically regardless of what they actually look like.

 

i think it's much different for women. they can overlook the physical a lot more.

 

russ, you are into fitness, this girl doesn't sound like she really is. we usually want mirror-like images of ourselves and our lifestyle in a mate.

[kaoticbaby]

i think it's much different for women. they can overlook the physical a lot more.

 

ugh, you boys!

just kidding

[confused25]

Yeah, I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to date anyone who is overweight either. I eat right and take time to hit the gym, so my partner should be conscious about their health and weight as well. If you are not attracted to them at the start, I don't think that's going to change much later on.