I really don't wanna die, right?

[Symentha]

I am considering, just pondering, and sorta pontificating about why i am still here, what my purpose in life is, and what i have accomplished up to this very moment in my life.

 

I have come up with a big fat NOTHING. I have not graduated from any univercity. I don't have a family, let alone a bf. I live alone, i don't even have a cat. I have two dry plants that need water really bad. (I will water them when i am finished writing this) I work very part time, because i deal with a chronic illness/pain and mental disabilities. I am alone all the bloody time, and when i am around people I am just sad...and I don't know how to just be real...This is real. People tell me all the time that i am worthless, good for nothing, bad bad person, deserve to die....and sometimes from time to time, i believe them.

 

I don't wanna believe that things are impossible. I don't wanna fell that i am stuck...but i do, and i am. sorry....

 

But, i am not going to do anything about it right now. I am just going to go to work in an hour, and hope that getting out of the house, and interacting with people will help me get out of my terrible mood. I told my T that i would call her before i did anything self harm included......and i am a gal of my word. SO, maybe i will give her a call before i go to work, then if i need her during work she will at least have a heads up....

 

Maybe I am putting this in the wrong place...i don't know where else it would go. I don't wanna die...right? I wanna stay and work things out...right? I don't know...maybe its not worth it. Maybe death would be easier.

 

My friend told me that if i die she would be mad at me. And i would be in a place like hell and torture noncomparable to anything in this life...I don't wanna go through that. Its hard...

 

Maybe i just wanna hear that there is hope. is there?

 

Thanks

 

BRi

 

PS My good close friend, my cousin, and my uncle all committed suicide in the last month and a half. I am starting to see why they felt the way that they did. Maybe their answer is the answer for me...oh i don't know...why is this such a big deal...why do i feel so tormented? GOSH DANG IT!!!!

[Gingerstar]

can I PM you? I don't see that option but I wanna talk to you. PM me if you can.

[Daddy Bear]

People tell me all the time that i am worthless, good for nothing, bad bad person, deserve to die....and sometimes from time to time, i believe them.

 

What kind of... tell them to piss up a rope! Pardon the language, but seriously. Don't accept ANY abuse. You do have value.

 

Maybe i just wanna hear that there is hope. is there?

 

You have no curse on you, just challenges to overcome. There really is always hope, and the longer you stay alive, the better your chances of seeing something wonderful come to pass. Simple math, no?

 

Very sorry about the suicides in your life. This must be a really, really rough time for you. Hang with us a while and get your feelings out, won't you? *hug*

[mr me]

Im sorry but idk if that helps. Im going thru a similar struggle with myself and have had it for more than i would like to admit. I also have people who have commited suicide in my family. I see that all of them survived it but it can bring alot of damage to someones way of looking at the world and way of dealing with it. I also struggle with the fact that it seems to be passed down so i would never want that to happen to my children if i do ever have any. Its just i dont really know what will really happen. The hardest thing for me is to find something to live for and i keep on getting a blank. I feel like my biggest problem is that i cant seem to deal with the people in my life and they are really bringing me down. I would appreciate it if you could read my thread and maybe tell me what you might think.

[Symentha]

you can PM me anytime...my msn messenger email removed would love the company. i never really say that i am online..so just message me, and if i am there i will respond.

 

thanks