GoldenHillGuy Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I talked my ex down so much to my family pointing out every little thing she ever did wrong. Now I feel embarrassed that I'm still interested in reconciling. LOL. I feel like if we got back together my whole family would already dislike her, and I'd have to continually hear about it. Anyone in the same boat? Link to comment
barbielovesmac Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Totally feel ya on this one ... Link to comment
needhimso Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Yeah I'm sure my mom would be angry. She told me to erase him from my life and never look back. Needless to say she wouldn't be too happy if we got back together...though it would make me the happiest person ever. Link to comment
bfla Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 No, but I suspect her family might... Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 It's never a good idea to discuss your relationship problems with your family in this way. Find one person you can trust, if you must tell someone. But you should be grown-up enough to figure out your own problems. It's really a betrayal of your significant other to blab about relationship problems like that. Think how your girl would feel if she found out even BEFORE you broke up. Next time, keep it to yourself. Link to comment
GoldenHillGuy Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 This was all AFTER we've been broken up. I totally regret it now. Me and my family have such an open understanding of each other. I've never held back anything from them. I wish I had used a bit more restraint. I mean......I've been talking to my ex now, and I'm too embarrassed to tell even my family. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR Link to comment
John Bendix Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Part of my family would first question me on whether or not she had regained her emotional and mental stability while the rest would now question mine. It is a moot question for her side of the family. I had been so demonized by her for the past four years (divorced 2) that she would look to them like the biggest liar that ever lived. And she has to keep up appearances to them. She knows that I could never be around her family (and have not) again because they would realize how her story does not add up. Link to comment
MsMookie Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I think we all have to think that if one of our children were involved in a relationship such as ours that failed, how would we feel if they got back together? If its not good enough for your kids, its not good enough for yourself. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I don't tell my family anything about my relationships other than that we're doing fine or we talk about daily happenings. But I do not share details of fights/disagreements /anything negative. I don't need to deal with their judgments. I'm a grown up and I can make my own. Even if a family is close-knit, it is STILL a betrayal of that person to share all kinds of negative stuff with your family. It amounts to gossip and character assassination. And now it's coming back to bite you in the a$$. Sorry, but that is the honest truth. And as a grown up, do NOT invite others to fight your battles or to make judgments like that. Stand on your own two feet. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 I'm sure your family will understand what ever you decide. Have faith in them. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 I have a niece who did this. It put too much pressure on the relationship and they did not work out. She got mad and tried to ruin the entire family because they did not support her choice. Her parents divorced over her mother's support of her and her mother's new bf hates her for how she has treated her mom. She tried to get her mother evicted from her house but that failed. The whole family is now falling apart because she went back with a loser. It is never worth it. Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 My mum would be thrilled if we got back together, as would his. But my friends..... well, they don't think he's good enough so I think I will probably have a few word said to me if it ever happened. Link to comment
bambina maxima Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Smiling Turnip, I have to slightly disagree with your assumption that grown-ups can handle it themselves and shouldn't be sharing with someone. I think talking with family - talking, not just negative blather and berating - is a healthy way to deal with a breakup. If you end up telling them some facts that make them dislike your ex, then the only harm done is that the ex will be held accountable by more than just the dumpee. I held off telling family and friends about certain details about the demise of my last relatioship. They were asking and asking...and when I felt ready, I knew I had to give a more thorough (and honest) explanation. I also knew that admitting this would make it very hard for us to reconcile, because he would have to explain his actions to everyone who cares about me if he wanted to be seen in a decent light again. OP - If you've just gone on endless diatribes about how horrible your ex is, good luck...you may be facing an uphill battle. But if you've stated the facts and represented the good and the bad, and eventually you and your ex reconcile, your family will probably be understanding. The key is honest communication. Link to comment
GoldenHillGuy Posted July 12, 2008 Author Share Posted July 12, 2008 To explain a bit further...... Almost all of my friends were mutual friends. They knew her first so, I was out of friends and confidants besides my sister who lives close to me, and my family. I had nobody to talk to. My sister is VERY opinionated and never really got along with my ex. I was cool with that. My parents liked her on the other hand. Anyways, my mom, bless her, is a person that I can talk to and she won't pass judgement at all. She has always been able to help me see things very objectively. Besides, who better to ask than someone who has been there before, and is much wiser than myself? So, I'm very glad I have my family to talk to about these things, I just wish I hadn't told so much. Not that we're even getting back together at this point. If it happens it might be a bit difficult convincing family that we can make a go of it. Thanks for all your opinions. Link to comment
GoldenHillGuy Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Well............. I broke the news to my mom. She supports me because she trusts me, but I didn't get the impression she was jumping for joy about the reconciliation taking place between myself and my ex. My sister on the other hand, just about castrated me. Telling me I deserve better, etc.....oh boy. Sometimes, I think I'm too close to my sister, and we really try to protect each other from dating anyone. Nobody will every be good enough for my sister, and she feels the same about me. I have to eat my words now, and confess that even though my ex hurt me, and I hurt her as well, and we are very different from each other........I still want to be with her. Lesson learned: Never speak badly about your ex or SO to your family. Link to comment
yankeefan74 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Smiling Turnip, I have to slightly disagree with your assumption that grown-ups can handle it themselves and shouldn't be sharing with someone. I think talking with family - talking, not just negative blather and berating - is a healthy way to deal with a breakup. If you end up telling them some facts that make them dislike your ex, then the only harm done is that the ex will be held accountable by more than just the dumpee. I completely agree with you. I think turnip is being WAY too harsh...and the idea that leaning on your family for some support during that time is somehow not something grown-ups do...well, that's just, frankly, bizarre. It's one thing to spill personal details like "I'm better off anyway, she had a three-way with two guys she barely knew while in school so how could i have kids with a woman like that..." lol. But if the "negative" things you're sharing are "She refused to talk about this..." or "She has a problem opening up and as a result, we didn't communicate about things we should have..." those things are normal pieces of information that do not represent a betrayal in any way. In my situation, anyone that I may have talked to will know that when I give my "version" of what happened between myself and my ex, that it is my version. Over time, as emotions settle down, more objectivity is usually inserted into those conversations. Link to comment
yankeefan74 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Lesson learned: Never speak badly about your ex or SO to your family. Well, again, it really depends on the nature of the comments you make. You said your sister never really liked your ex to begin with. So I doubt your comments to her made much of a difference - she didn't want the two of you together to begin with. Most people can have mature, adult conversations with their parents, friends, siblings, etc, about ex's without carrying it too far. When reconciliations happen, if people are supportive, you shouldn't have to say anything other than "That was a different time, and we're trying again. I understand there are risks, but I'm not going to be afraid to live my life and pursue what I want just because I might get hurt." Link to comment
yankeefan74 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I have a niece who did this. It put too much pressure on the relationship and they did not work out. She got mad and tried to ruin the entire family because they did not support her choice. Her parents divorced over her mother's support of her and her mother's new bf hates her for how she has treated her mom. She tried to get her mother evicted from her house but that failed. The whole family is now falling apart because she went back with a loser. It is never worth it. The whole family isn't falling apart because she went back with the guy. The whole family is falling apart because, as you said, your niece got mad that her choice to go back with the guy wasn't supported and did everything she could to "ruin the entire family." Your niece's immaturity and childish behavior was the issue here. Link to comment
yankeefan74 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I'm a grown up and I can make my own. Even if a family is close-knit, it is STILL a betrayal of that person to share all kinds of negative stuff with your family. It amounts to gossip and character assassination. I don't think that's true at all unless the kinds of things you're sharing with your family are of a very personal nature. Again, there's a difference between someone telling their family that the ex doesn't communicate well, which is nothing more than an opinion at the time of the breakup (and an intelligent adult is going to automatically understand that they're hearing one side of things at that point), as opposed to telling them that the ex had some sort of plastic surgery, or got abused as a child or something. And as a grown up, do NOT invite others to fight your battles or to make judgments like that. Stand on your own two feet. I don't see how opening up to the people who are supposed to care about you and be there for you no matter what is an invitation for judgements. It's also not an invitation for anyone else to fight your battles. It's the simple act of allowing people who are supposed to love you unconditionally to be there for you in a time of need. This is a huge part of a family dynamic. It has nothing to do with standing on your own two feet. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 The whole family is now falling apart because she went back with a loser. It is never worth it. Not that this isn't shocking for a family to break up over a breakup of one person (and I'm guessing there were other reasons for the problems in the family) but the key word here really is "loser." Sometimes people hurt their partner emotionally even if they are not a terrible person. The friends and family hear this and might get upset and not accept the person back right away. But if over time they see that person is not a loser but a great partner, they will probably accept them, especially if they see the happiness it brings tot heir family member. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Well............. I broke the news to my mom. She supports me because she trusts me, but I didn't get the impression she was jumping for joy about the reconciliation taking place between myself and my ex. My sister on the other hand, just about castrated me. Telling me I deserve better, etc.....oh boy. Sometimes, I think I'm too close to my sister, and we really try to protect each other from dating anyone. Nobody will every be good enough for my sister, and she feels the same about me. I have to eat my words now, and confess that even though my ex hurt me, and I hurt her as well, and we are very different from each other........I still want to be with her. Lesson learned: Never speak badly about your ex or SO to your family. Well you did the hardest part and you're doing just fine. Just think about you and what you want. It's remarkable how a family can rally around someone when they see that that person is happy with their choices and is actually not being harmed in any way by their partner, but being made more happy. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 It's ok for people to disagree with me. I am not God. But in this situation,,,I was right. I'm sorry but I just cannot agree that others should be allowed to know negative things that go on with your SO, especially if your SO has to later face those people. First off, you don't need their judgments. Secondly, later on, you run the risk of those people later using that information to hurt your SO. Third, you run the risk of creating tension between two people who otherwise would not have tension between them. Basically, it *is* a betrayal of your SO to spill the beans about things that should remain private. Ultimately, each person has to use their judgment about whom they can really confide in. However, I do understand that people need to talk about relationship problems. Choose wisely whom you talk about it with. I don't talk about mine with anyone that I think my husband may later come in contact with or with anyone who might later become crazy and spill the beans. Now the OP in this situation spilled beans after the relationship had ended. That's a little different. But, still, you're inviting people to judge your life when you share that much information. Do not share information with people who will later think they have a say in your decisions when in fact they do not. Link to comment
Dani0613 Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Yes, Im definitely with you one this one. My ex crushed me and based on her behaviors (if you read my other posts), my family and friends would probably crucify me if I ever gave her another chance (should that even come to pass). It's not that they won't be supportive of me. It's definitely because they believe (as do I) that I deserve more and that she ruined any chance to be trusted again.. It's difficult b/c we confide in our family and friends when we're heartbroken and we agree with the advice they give us. However, our hearts still manage to overpower our rational and logic at times. What happens if we take them back and they hurt us again? I would feel like a complete schmuck running back to my family and friends again. But, that's life....I suppose. Link to comment
philove Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 If my family knew that she cheated on me no way would they want me to reconcile with her! I actually feel quite embarrassed with how she treated me and how much my family could see that she hurt me. I'm 25 and she was the first girlfriend who I actually went to the trouble of introducing her to my parents because I thought she was serious about me and to think now that I have been played like a fool is humiliating. If i told my parents i was going to reconcile with her even though they dont know about our past they would definitely try to stop me. I won't be reconciling with her anyway after how she has treated me even if she cried and begged for me back, NO WAY! I can do much better than her trashy behavior and im sure i'll find a girl who will love me as much as i love them. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 I agree. People need to be very careful what they say and with whom they share information about relationship problems. This can come back to bite later and makes the other person feel betrayed. I've been there and it's not pretty. As a result, I have become far more private. I think it's fine to, say, post on ENA about these problems because it minimizes the risks associated with sharing about relationship problems. Link to comment
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