Am I wrong? Tired of questioning myself...

[stansmith]

1) My girlfriend of 3 years (we are 25) says that i am a cry baby because i bring up things that are wrong in our relationship. Things have been going down for a while, and i try to talk to her about it. She usually doesn't say anything and acts like everything is cool, but every once in a while she explodes and tells me that everything that bothers her. I admit I maybe bring things up too often... She tells me that I should talk to my friends instead... Well, my question is how is that going to help our problems?

Yes, friends to give advices and stuff, but they are all so different (from she is right to leave her)... But even then, i have to talk to her right...

 

2) She says i control her, don't let her do what she wants, and require too much of her time... But let's say yesterday, we got up, spent 1 hr getting ready for work/other stuff. i went to work, she went to hang out with her friends. we met up during mid day, she gave me the car, i drove her to work (20 min tops), she got off work around 10pm, we drove home (she didn't talk to me much), she spent 1 hr in the bathroom, we went to sleep... So did i ask for too much time? We both work, usually opposite shifts. She often hangs out with her friends after work while i go to the gym or work. I dont see how ask for too much time...

Controlling thing... well she put on a short mini skirt, and i told her that it makes me uncomfortable because i can see her underwear (i do purposely look up her skirt cuz i am a perv). she says i cant tell her what to wear, well i didnt tell her to change it, i just said i dont like it.

 

what is ok for me to say or feel? what is the point of being with somebody if it seems there is no place for u in their life?

 

am i wrong?

[Excalibur]

Ifyou two weren't so interdependent for independence - everything would be more clear as to what the problem is.

[stansmith]

Also, we go out to bars every once in a while, and she says i cant ask for her attention... so we work, do stuff mostly separate... then we go out to bars, and should be separate too?

I admit, that i like attention, i do wanna have her attention and i am working on it (controlling it). Also, i am shy around people i dont know, so sometimes i have hard time meeting new ppl. that gets worse when i am frustrated about my relationship. I feel like i just cant win.

[stansmith]

Ifyou two weren't so interdependent for independence - everything would be more clear as to what the problem is.

so u are saying if we had 2 cars and didnt depend on each other to get places and stuff, things would be a little better?

[Excalibur]

I'm saying that you're both young, and probably aren't really self-identified yet - and you're interdependent on that transportation - and it causes you to react and respond to each other as if the other is a "parent".

 

I need the car to do "X" is having to justify your use of the car...the car to you both is independence, without independence there is no self-identity.

 

You two aren't sure if you're together so you don't have ot live at home with parents, becuase you're not fully financially independent - or not.

[stansmith]

I'm saying that you're both young, and probably aren't really self-identified yet - and you're interdependent on that transportation - and it causes you to react and respond to each other as if the other is a "parent".

 

I need the car to do "X" is having to justify your use of the car...the car to you both is independence, without independence there is no self-identity.

 

You two aren't sure if you're together so you don't have ot live at home with parents, becuase you're not fully financially independent - or not.

 

well you right, we are not independent from each other. we rent a place that we both have to provide for. and she does say that she feels like she lives with parent. she gives me crap when i tell her that she should do dishes right away, because we get bugs and stuff, and i dont mean to a parent, i just thing it is a good idea

 

i told her today that we should put a 30 day notice and get our own places, maybe that way i wont be "restricting her independence"... as for me, then she would only see me when she wants to...

[Excalibur]

Well, the fact is - you really don't agree with the clothes she wears as appropriate, and you don't agree with the processes and procedures she uses for housekeeping.

 

If you were both financially independent, you could split up without causing much hassle or expense, but certainly no lifestyle major changes.

 

It appears you're going to cease to live togehter..which is a good thing from the sound of it, and how you're going to split the car over distance - i'm sure you've got a plan.

 

But at any rate, what she's determined based on what you said here about her calling you a parent, and her clothing when going out - is that she's looking for another type of attention and options in her life....than you can provide to her.

 

And she should go out and find them...so that she doesn't disover them at your expense and heartache.

[Meatyka]

Dont take her bull m8.

 

If there are problems in your relationship, only you two can work it out, no one else can unlesss ofc a thereopist. ( cant spell hehe )

 

Your friends cant help you because your girlfriend has to act and change and sort the problems with you.

 

Stand up to her and tell her you both need to sort out the problems together, no one else. A relationship cant work if you dont sort out problems.

[Whiskers]

I think that she might not be the girl for you. You should want to be together when you are out, perhaps not every second but at least in a show of unity. Does she want to be seen as single?

She strikes me as a little childish, perhaps not as committed to this relationship and in all fairness, the complaints she made appear to be those of someone who's fed up and losing interest in the relationship but is too much of a coward to either remedy it or admit it.

XXXX

[stansmith]

so do u think a girl wearing short miniskirt is asking for attention? she says it's just hot. i can understand that, but it bothers me that sometimes i can see stuff i shouldnt be able to.

 

is it wrong for me to be uncomfortable with that?

[stansmith]

I think that she might not be the girl for you. You should want to be together when you are out, perhaps not every second but at least in a show of unity. Does she want to be seen as single?

She strikes me as a little childish, perhaps not as committed to this relationship and in all fairness, the complaints she made appear to be those of someone who's fed up and losing interest in the relationship but is too much of a coward to either remedy it or admit it.

XXXX

 

asked her before if she is bored of me, i walked out the other night and just left, she chased me down and started crying and all that... so i came back.

 

but i do feel like she is just bored of me, and her best friend keeps telling her that i need to find more friends so that we are both interesting to each other. i do work a lot on a project that doesn't pay (i think it will be really good for my career and might bring money in the end), so dont hang out with friends a lot, but constantly chat, call and go to the gym with people. but also i like to study history and things in the world, so i think i always have something to talk about or to debate about... most ppl dont find me boring... i do feel like she just lost interest in the relationship

[Lamprey]

However, I will reiterate the essense of what I said, it looks like she's taking you for granted because you're letting her. She feels you'll always be there and subconsciously feels she can get away with giving you crap because you'll take it. How often have you stood up for yourself in the past when you felt she wasn't giving you the respect you wanted? It sounds like not too often. While fighting is generally not a good thing, sometimes you have to make a decision to do it, even if you hate it.

[Whiskers]

It's hard to say that you could be interesting to each other if YOU got out more...after all, she doesn't want to be around you anyway. She can't push you away and then cry about it when you walk...it's game playing.

Maybe you should find some time to hang out with some friends without her. Make plans to do things, go places without her and if she wants to hear about it she can ask...at least if things get worse, you'll have your friends around you.

XXXX

[stansmith]

i do actually make plans to go out without her, but i dont think she likes that, cuz last time she showed up where i was, and the time before i almost ended up in some girl's pants, but chose not to... i told her, she got mad... i dont even start about our sex life... or the lack of one...

 

well we had sex yesterday, it made me feel like we shouldn't have... she showed no signs of anything, i tried to be as passionate as possible, now i just feel dumb... and she gets mad that i dont know whether she liked it or not, when i have no ways of telling it... when u ask her later she says it was good... i think i would like it more if she told me it was horrible, then things would fall into place

[Whiskers]

That sounded like having sex because it was expected, not because both parties wanted it and I am not surprised you felt like crap afterwards. It's sounds as if the relationship is no longer working and if she isn't willing to talk about it and make some effort to either repair or get out, then maybe you'll have to seriously consider if you can carry on like this.

XXXX

So what if she doesn't like you going out without her...she goes out without you and when you go out together she doesn't want you there.

Do whatever you like, she does.

[stansmith]

well i know i cant carry on,

i feel sad most of the time, i don't laugh as much as i used to, i dont even get crazy happy kick from lots caffeine...

[Whiskers]

Though it doesn't seem like it. You will find someone one day...or they will find you, and you'll be happy. They will not only want to support you but love you as much as you want to love them.

XXXX

For now, you need to look out for yourself and get her to talk to you.

I'm sorry I can't offer words of wisdom.

[stansmith]

Though it doesn't seem like it. You will find someone one day...or they will find you, and you'll be happy. They will not only want to support you but love you as much as you want to love them.

XXXX

For now, you need to look out for yourself and get her to talk to you.

I'm sorry I can't offer words of wisdom.

 

thank you, all this is really helpful

[Whiskers]

Well, you know you can PM any time you want to chat and there are dozens of people here waiting to help.

 

Be strong and reach out if you need to

XXXX

[stansmith]

there is one more problem though...

i do love her, i do love to kiss her, i do love the moments when we are not fighting, i still want it to work, i remember the days when we first started dating, they were awesome...

 

i guess it will never be like that even if we find a way to stay together...

[Whiskers]

First you two need to have a talk. You don't have to throw the towel in straight away, but she does have to sit down and take it...which means she's going to need to hear from you that you can't carry on the way it has been and she needs to know it's serious.

It's not easy to start from the beginning and recapture some of what you had but you could set aside one evening a week for just the two of you with the understanding that you both make an effort to give a little more attention and affection.

Only if this doesn't seem to work, that no matter how much you have both tried it still doesn't work, do you have to decided whether or not you love her enough to face a life and relationship with only half the attention and affection than you deserve, or whether you will cut it off and hope to find someone who gives as much as you do.

XXXX

[stansmith]

i tried talking to her about all this before, and she called me a cry baby... she says i complain too much... that's how i started this post... talking doesn't seem to get me anywhere... it's like quicksand, if i dont do anything i slowly go down, when i do talk or whatever, i sink faster... i guess it is better to sink fast and be done with it....

[kaoticbaby]

i'm going to be brutally honest: this girl DOES NOT respect you. she does not appreciate you, and she is taking you completely for granted.

 

no, an hour or two each day, especially since it sounds like you live together, is definitely NOT too much to ask for. It sounds like this girl wants to spend as much time away from you as physically possible.

 

Ask yourself this: why do you WANT to still be in this relationship? Before my ex and I broke up, he did the same stuff to me. We would see eachother once a week for a couple of hours, and THAT became too much for him. He would never listen to me when I wanted to talk to him, and he would nitpick and fight with me over the smallest things. The only reason I stayed with him was because we were together for such a long time that I though I couldn't just "throw it away." I was comfortable where I was, but I was miserable.

 

You need to talk to her, and if she refuses, you need to give serious thought as to why you are still with this girl.

[Whiskers]

i tried talking to her about all this before, and she called me a cry baby... she says i complain too much... that's how i started this post... talking doesn't seem to get me anywhere... it's like quicksand, if i dont do anything i slowly go down, when i do talk or whatever, i sink faster... i guess it is better to sink fast and be done with it....

 

True, so if talking doesn't get you anywhere, then you need to deal with it now.

Like you say, faster. Either she will realise that you mean it and change (though most don't succeed) or she will agree and walk which will answer the question of how she really feels about you.

As much as you love her, I still believe that when you find the woman who offers you everything you want and more, you'll realise that this wasn't love after all. Love works both ways, a relationship needs compromise and as I muttered before, you can plant the seed but it won't grow without being nurtured.

XXXX

We're here if you want to talk.

[stansmith]

thank you everyone, i think i am clear on what i have to do or how to feel about all this... you all made my day, seriously thank you