Is it a good idea to still live together?

[lostagain]

Hi,

 

I am new no this site and really need some advice. I've already read a lot of the posts so I think I know what people will say but I still need to explain my specific situation.

My bf broke up w/ me 3 weeks ago. We moved in together in January after a 6 month break in which he felt he needed to be alone for a while. He said he loved me but felt like he still wanted to be out there doing his thing...This came about after I caught him texting another girl. I was really depressed during that time and we didnt cut off all contact, I have to admit that I was the one always trying to contact him although he did try also. When I was finally feeling better and not calling/contacting him as much he came back. Surprise, surprise...from reading these posts it seems this is just how it goes. Anyways, I took him back. He said he was ready for everything. He asked me to move in with him and I did. I still didnt feel like I could trust him but I was trying. I caught him lying again, not about girls but just about dumb stuff that he really didnt need to lie about. We had some fights because of his constant need to lie even when it's not necessary.

We started to talk honestly to each other 3 weeks ago and he said he promised himself he would never hurt me again and would never do something behind my back but that he finds himself having thoughts of cheating again. He said he doesnt want anything serious w/ anyone else but just feels the need to stray. I said fine, then thats it, thanks for being honest. I told him I would move to my mom's house. As much as it would stink to have to live w/ my mom I dont want to pay another rent by myself again and I am the kind of person that can't just live w/ anyone as I am very private. Before I moved in with him I had my own apartment which I was renting but financially i was completely BROKE. So he started to say things like I dont know if I'm doing the right thing, I dont wanna lose you but I dont wanna hurt you, I'm a jerk, blah blah blah. A few days later he convinced me to stay there. He made me an offer I couldnt refuse. I'll be paying no rent, just half the bills. He said that way I can save and buy my own apartment which is something I actually want to do. His apartment is also VERY convenient, just one block from the train which makes my commute every day very easy. I feel like it's not fair for me to have to leave but since it's his apt he wont(he rents but its rent controlled so he cant just give it to s/o else) . I will be staying in the other room. He even offered the big room but it would just be too sad for me. I have loved this man for so long and had so many dreams and hopes that just got crushed. My new bed arrived yesterday and I told him that as soon as I move into that room we can't have any contact. That its ok to be cordial if we run into each other but basically we should each just be in our rooms as much as possible when we're in the apt, he seemed reluctant but agreed. He told me that it was sad that things have to change but he understood that its HIS fault.

My question is, am I being naive thinking that I can get over him while still living together? Should I just leave and pay a rent that will leave me broke once again somewhere else, or should I go be miserable at my mom's house? If I stay am I destroying any chance of ever getting back together? Please reply and thanks for reading!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

what does your gut tell you- putting aside all of your reasons for staying - what does your gut tell you?

 

in the end only you know yourself well enough to know if this is a situation you can handle.

 

maybe you can handle it... the idea of it sounds great.. rent free, close to work, better then living at moms... etc...

 

if it were me? i would get my own place.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I don't think you should stay especially if you are not paying rent. That either puts you under some sort of obligation to him or it is misleading as to what your relationship really is or you are taking advantage of him - or he is taking advantage of you.

[coyote1980]

Hello,

 

I know breaking up is 10000x harder when money/housing get in a way.

let's forget all that and think about this: is he the right guy for you? does he make you happy? do you see any future with him?

 

You said he constantly lie about things, and he has thoughts of cheating again. Can you live in the fear of being cheated or being lied again? I think anyone should be treated better than that.

 

You already know this, but I believe you should move out and live with your mom or find your own place immediately. Yes I think you are destroying every chance of ever getting back together if you stay there, depend on him financially/emotionally and keep making rules in his house(not contacting etc) It's his house after all.

 

I know it's extremely hard, but sooner or later you have to make a decision.

[IMAbadman]

Bail out. It's not fair to yourself as it'll be nothing but pain. Who cares about his feelings, he's a cheater. He obviously only ramdomly cares about your feelings...

 

Pack up, bail out, don't look back.

[keenan]

hi there. i really think you should move out. he wants to keep you 'around' in the background so he doesn't have to fully deal with the sadness and loneliness of breaking up with you. he'll use your presense as a crutch while he starts to date other people (which you'll have to watch, which will be horrible), and then when he meets somebody new, he'll want you gone. you don't pay rent, so he'll have every right to tell you to pack up. i think that by staying, you're prolonging the inevitable.

[tangi39]

I say - Move out. I think you'd be holding on too much and ultimately just hurting yourself further.

It may be harder, but you'll have to take the plunge sometime.

Might as well be now so you can truly move on.

[lostagain]

Thanks so much for your quick responses. I think you are all right, I am just holding out to avoid moving on and losing him completely. You are also right that he doesnt want me to leave bc he will be sad and lonely. If I stay he'll still have my friendship/companionship but he still gets to do his thing on the side. We have talked about how it would work if we were seeing other ppl. He said he would never bring other girls home if I was living there and asked me to please do the same. He says he knows we'll both probably be doing this but doesnt want to know about it. I agreed because it would just be too much torture for me.

As for me taking advantage of him, not a chance. I have helped him in the past when he lost his job and I think he feels like he owes me for this. I told him he doesnt owe me anything but he insists on helping me and thinks it's a very good idea for me to stay there and save so that I can one day buy my own place instead of giving my money away by renting. The reason he's willing to let me live there rent free is because his rent is already really cheap and I am taking the smaller room. He also has a screenprinting business aside from his regular job and the machinery takes up the rest of the apt so he's really not losing out. I dont think anyone would want to pay rent with that kind of set up and he still gets my half of the bills. I also told him I would continue to do the food shopping for both of us.

But in my heart I know that I am just making excuses and hoping that he will come around. I mean, I would love to live there if I didnt still love him because it's a sweet set up...no rent, i get to save money and takes me 15 mins to get to work. But in the end this will not let me move on. I will know when he comes home and when he doesnt and it will drive me crazy. I am just so angry, I took a chance on him and took him back and now he's doing this to me all over again. I feel like he should leave, its not fair for me to have to be the one to lose everything. I know life is not fair but it's just hard to deal with.

[tangi39]

Thanks so much for your quick responses. I think you are all right, I am just holding out to avoid moving on and losing him completely. You are also right that he doesnt want me to leave bc he will be sad and lonely. If I stay he'll still have my friendship/companionship but he still gets to do his thing on the side. We have talked about how it would work if we were seeing other ppl. He said he would never bring other girls home if I was living there and asked me to please do the same. He says he knows we'll both probably be doing this but doesnt want to know about it. I agreed because it would just be too much torture for meQUOTE]

 

Yep- He does not want to deal with the real consequences involved with his "Need to stray". Well, sorry buddy, you can't have it both ways.

You either committ to someone or remain single and have fun- but you can't expect someone to stay true to you (living with him, being there for him) while you have fun on the side. I don't think this arrangement would EVER work.

There's too many feelings involved. And too many "what if's" that will come up. What if you wake up to the sounds of him making love to another woman when he thinks you're asleep ? Or not home ?

And the list goes on and on. Don't put yourself through this. He's made his choice- Now he needs to live with it and deal with the negatives that come along with his new found freedom.

Find a new place, It's time to move on sweetie. You two want different lifestyles. He's not the man for you.