Married Co-Worker Crush?

[blueeyedme]

Ok, a little background info. Currently I am in a long term relationship - comfortable but not leading to marriage. I am a professional road warrior - traveling out of town on business 3-4 days of nearly every week. Note that although there are ample opportunities, I have never cheated on my lady nor do I plan to.

 

Current state: I have an incredibly strong crush on a married work associate who happens to be my right hand person - we are equals, not a reporting relationship. The weird thing is that I have worked with her for 3 years and have always liked her just fine as my associate - but this "crush" has come on in the last 3 months after she returned from maternity leave - how wacked is that!

 

Now don't get me wrong, she will never know about my feelings as she's married, I am in a LTR, and I never want to be known as "that guy". I also need her too much to screw up our working relationship. However, there is no denying that we are quickly becoming platonicly closer approaching that of "work spouse" which I am apparently not quite dealing well with just yet because between my ears I am wondering what if... and just to top things off for you, we travel alone together every month or so but have not yet since she's been back.

 

I know my head's right - but I have to admit that this has been messing with me because of intensity and length of the crush. Reality of course is what the heck would she want with a middle aged guy 12 years her senior.... but then again, Calista Flockhart is 22 yrs younger than Harrison Ford.

 

Anyway, secrets are powerful and saying my secret here makes it less so.

[Jetta]

It would only backfire on you if you made a move. She's married and just had a baby.

[Mlost]

Saying a secret makes it less powerful. You got it off your chest on here. Do not go any further with this. Best case scenario is that you end up with a pissed off coworker. Worst case is that you wreck her marriage, scar her newborn child for life, and destroy your LTR.

[law1204]

Hi Blueeyedme,

 

First off it is good that you realize getting involved with coworkers is BAD BAD BAD! Don't do it! Nothing good can come of it, especially for her!

 

Second, I daresay your head is NOT right as you are thinking of things of which you ought not to be thinking! Completely natural, though.

 

I think you should ask yourself what is missing from your current LTR that you think your coworker could possibly provide. You can try to improve your current relationship based on your conclusions or you can seek it with someone new NOT your married mother coworker.

 

In the meantime, I find that crushes are best eradicated with lots of no contact. If you can reschedule and travel with someone else and avoid her at all costs, you probably should.

 

Best of luck!

Law

 

PS: Middle aged men 12 years older are HOT. Just sayin'. I'm 30 and was briefly involved with a man who was 41. If he had been any sexier he would have spontaneously combusted. Some females dig older guys. Don't let it go to your head.

[bostonbruins24]

I too have a crush on a married co-worker.A few people at work are actually aware of it,but I don't think she is aware of it. Unless she makes it quite clear that she is interested I wouldn't think of pursuing it and even then [if she expresses her interest]you and her will have to do the honorable thing and leave your current relationship's.It could get quite messy .

[stella74]

I'd say it's normal to have crushes on co-workers, married or not, but that doesn't mean you have to act on them. It would be destructive to you and to this woman to make any move and that includes verbalizing your feelings -- even if you are only telling her so that you can get it off your chest, but still have no intentions of acting on your feelings.

 

One other thought I had...her body may be sending out sexual signals to you inadvertently that are making you feel more attracted to her. For example, a mother with a newborn will have bigger, fuller breasts for feeding the infant. Her belly and hips will be rounder. And her hormones will fluctuate which might lead her to behave in ways she normally wouldn't.

 

So just be aware that you both may be responding unconsciously to each other.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

A larger problem may be that she has no such feelings at all for you, and if you bring them up, it will shatter your working relationship and make it very awkward.

 

Perhaps this is a sign that you need to find someone as a girlfriend who you are as excited as much as you are excited for this woman. Take it more as a sign that your current girlfriend is lacking something you need, so you need to perhaps start looking for another available woman (not married) who you like as much as your co-worker.

[blueeyedme]

Thank you to all for the responses. A few comments:

 

To Mlost: You are correct, I got it off my chest here and already feel better about this as in this too shall pass. I have no intention of ever saying anything or going any further.

 

To law1204: Very insightful and you are correct. As I indicated my LTR is not all it could be and probably won't be - but that's another post. Thanks for the older guy props.

 

To bostonbruines24: Trust me, this is all between my ears and I understand it's fantasy - she has never done/said anything to indicate otherwise beyond being platonicly and professionally friendly.

 

To Stella74: As I mentioned, I will not say anything to her or anybody else - my working relationship is far too valuable. As for the timing, hormones, etc. I never thought of that and you could be right. In 3 years I never looked at her that way and I have been wondering why am now. Love the name Stella by the way.

 

Again, thanks to all. This feels a bit like therapy and with getting it off my chest I do feel more at peace with this than I have felt in weeks.

[tangi39]

Saying a secret makes it less powerful. You got it off your chest on here. Do not go any further with this. Best case scenario is that you end up with a pissed off coworker. Worst case is that you wreck her marriage, scar her newborn child for life, and destroy your LTR.

 

I agree. Start detaching yourself NOW. Nothing good will come of this.

[stella74]

Glad we all could help. You sound like you have things under control. Keep up the good work.

[blueeyedme]

Glad we all could help. You sound like you have things under control. Keep up the good work.

 

Thank you, I do feel very much in control again. Until today, I had not actually seen her in nearly 2 weeks due to conflicting travel schedules - though we do speak daily by phone/email. Today we spent about 4 hours catching each other up on our projects and so forth. It was very comfortable and productive with a lot of friendly "work spouse" banter. Having my head in a better place, I again appreciated how much I value and respect her - and yes truly enjoy our relationship. It would be foolish indeed to mess it up with anything that could be considered inappropriate.

 

Once again, I am glad I found this board because it was something that I really couldn't talk about with anyone and I really needed to talk it through.

[blueeyedme]

It's amazing how quickly 6 months has gone by....I would have expected this "crush" to wane a bit - but if anything, it has intensified as we have become pretty close friends (still totally platonic) - the closer we become, the deeper the connection on my part feels. She clearly likes me as a friend and colleague and has never indicated that she desires anything more than that. I still have a great deal of respect and admiration for this truly brilliant woman...but inside I absolutely adore her.

 

We still travel frequently together which is an opportunity to talk about many things…she knows that I have developed feelings, through my actions if not by my words…she get’s a lot of attention from me plus occasional gifts, etc…we’ve talked about it a bit and I worry about saying/doing something inappropriate – she tells me not to worry because she is not shy and would tell me to knock it off.

 

A few months back, I was thinking about transferring to another state to get away from this spell I am under. Since then I have come to accept that I can not control the attraction, only my reaction. Generally speaking, I stay in control and keep my feelings in check…occasionally, I get a little too enthusiastic and say something stupid or go over the top with small gifts…then of course I feel bad about that later.

 

Obviously, I am getting something out of this mental masturbation and I recognize that I am way too attached her…then I think how I would feel if I had a wife who was getting that much attention from a colleague…and that seems to help for a bit.

 

I can only assume that she is also getting something out of it…otherwise she would tell me to stop it…wouldn’t she??

 

Overall, this is a tough thing and I don’t recommend it to anyone. I would like to ratchet this down a little, but I am not sure how to do that…I think a great friendship can still be had but I have to figure out how to get rid of these feelings which can only lead to heartbreak.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is obviously a dead end for you... i would worry more that this is distracting you from finding someone you can truly love and who actually wants to be with you.

 

Work situations can be very awkward because you are assuming a bond that may only be because you are required to see each other at work... she is trying to keep a lid on your feelings and so are you, but you still are fantasizing about her which isn't appropriate under the circumstances.

 

So you really might consider changing jobs if you can't get a grip on these feelings and it is stopping you from finding someone who can be with you (and wants to be with you). She may like you as a friend, but really it isn't getting you anywhere is it?