Question for dumpees

[Godwin]

Does anyone else feel like me?

 

That they would basically date or see ANYONE, regardless of attraction just to be back in a relationship. Just to cuddle into someone and feel some love.

 

My ex was stunning, my ex ex was stunning, but now I am literally day-dreaming about seeing and even marrying woman I dont even find slightly attractive.

 

Someone on a dating site emailed me, she is 50 pounds overweight. I am actually considering dating her even though I dont fancy her one bit. Just so I feel some love. I have not even met that girl yet I have imagined us growing old together.

[californiaprincess]

Desperation is no reason to be in a relationship, just because you want to feel that comfort. Don't just think about yourself... For instance, the girl that e-mailed you that you don't fancy at all... Why would you put her through that? If she really likes you, then that is stringing her along and hurting her...and in my opinion that is selfish.

 

I think you need to work on yourself, get your confidence back up there, and find someone you truly want to be with.

[Lana0120]

It sounds like you're in love with the idea of being in love and that's influencing your feelings. There's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy, but I think you need to find other things to daydream about.

[Fireman Sam]

You need to trade up....not down.

 

You will find someone even more stunning then your ex. She will be so stunning on the inside that you will be blown away how lucky you are.

 

Take time out for yourself....and everything will work out for the best.

[Godwin]

I know guys. I am just finding it difficult not being with someone. I just need some confidence back, if someone finds me attractive then I see that as helping me to heal.

 

So rather than worry about the ex, I have now focused ALL my energy on meeting someone new. Its screwing me up though.

 

I really need 6 months or something to just chill and heal. To get over her.

[barbielovesmac]

I have not even met that girl yet I have imagined us growing old together.

 

How can you say this of someone you've never met?

[californiaprincess]

I know guys. I am just finding it difficult not being with someone. I just need some confidence back, if someone finds me attractive then I see that as helping me to heal.

 

So rather than worry about the ex, I have now focused ALL my energy on meeting someone new. Its screwing me up though.

 

I really need 6 months or something to just chill and heal. To get over her.

 

 

Then take the time to heal...because if you don't then you will just end up getting hurt worse and it will turn into a vicious cycle.....

[Godwin]

How can you say this of someone you've never met?

 

I have no idea. I have lost my mind.

 

I actually expect to me in a serious relationship less than 4 weeks since seeing my ex.

 

All I can think about is dating, dating, dating.

 

From shop workers to friends exes. I would literally take on ANYONE.

 

Crazy, I know.

[starlight40]

Ive felt like that lately after just coming out of a relationship, i do know how hard it is not to have that closeness with someone. When your suddenly alone in the big bad world its a very scary thing. Ive had time out for a few weeks now and have done alot of soul searching,ive come to the conclusion if i was happy with myself and fullfilled through who i am then i wouldnt be pining away to be with someone. Its hard when you feel so alone, but is alone such a bad thing when you really think about it? Isnt it not better to be alone than in a bad relationship.........Ive decided as hard as it is to be alone for now until ive got my head together and not cling again to the first thing that comes along once again, ive got to be happy with myself and not rely on someone else to complete me or make me happy, thats my responsibility.

[Lana0120]

I agree with californiaprincess. You've acknowledged that you're just not ready for dating at the moment and that throwing yourself into dating is actually causing you more problems. So by all means throw yourself into things for the next 6 months - just not dating! Live your life and do exciting things!

[John Bendix]

Godwin,

 

Basing your self worth on someone else's opinion of you or feelings about you (in this case attraction to you), is setting yourself for emotional pain. We all do this to some degree but it is dysfunctional and doomed to cause suffering.

 

It is the ego's maladaptive way of trying to enhance self based on the opinions of others. When the ego's need is fulfilled everthing is great but when it not (and the ego is always seeking what it perceives it lacks), unplesant emotions may be produced.

[SchecterGuy]

I kind of know where you are coming from. My fear stems from the worry that I will never find anyone. All my gf's were in high school and college where hooking up was so much easier. I wasn't even good back then, but I got something. Now I do not have the forced interaction of school. Just finding someone followed by essentially a cold approach is kind of scary.

 

Its not the alone part that bothers me. It is the worry that that loneliness will be very long. I get neurotic about closure. This extreme open endedness is torture.

[Godwin]

Godwin,

 

Basing your self worth on someone else's opinion of you or feelings about you (in this case attraction to you), is setting yourself for emotional pain. We all do this to some degree but it is dysfunctional and doomed to cause suffering.

 

It is the ego's maladaptive way of trying to enhance self based on the opinions of others. When the ego's need is fulfilled everthing is great but when it not (and the ego is always seeking what it perceives it lacks), unplesant emotions may be produced.

 

I know John, difficult to accept though. Confidence should be from within, my ex actually told me that when we split. Told me not to rely on anyone else for validation. I just need to start believing that.

[Godwin]

I kind of know where you are coming from. My fear stems from the worry that I will never find anyone. All my gf's were in high school and college where hooking up was so much easier. I wasn't even good back then, but I got something. Now I do not have the forced interaction of school. Just finding someone followed by essentially a cold approach is kind of scary.

 

Its not the alone part that bothers me. It is the worry that that loneliness will be very long. I get neurotic about closure. This extreme open endedness is torture.

 

Yeah, my fear is being alone forever. Seeing my friends with someone and me alone is so hard to take. I worry I am too old to meet anyone, I worry my hair will fall out and I will get fat and no one will be attracted to me.

 

I feel as if I am on a timer.... and my youth is ticking away.

 

I feel being with someone, anyone is better than being alone.

[thejigsup]

While I personally wouldn't date anyone in your frame of mind, if you're ready to date, don't let weight stop you. I was looking for a relationship years ago and went online. I met this uber smart, funny, nicely dressed guy who was a good 50 pounds overweight. I decided to give him a chance and not be shallow. Fast forward. It is nine years later and I am still with that guy. He is still overweight, and funny, and uber smart, and nicely dressed. I am so glad I told my shallow side to take a hike that day. We are lovers , partners, and best friends. And to think I might have let a little thing like weight deny me all of those good things!

[arcadefire]

Godwin: Don't lower your standards because of your temporary depression. It's not worth it in the long run. Stick to your values and you will thank yourself later. Sure, taking a dosage of drugs will make you feel great immediately, but in the end you'll just end up feeling worse and just curse yourself for having taken those drugs. You know you can do it, you're stronger than that, you've done it for so many years, so why give up now? There is a world of wonderful people just waiting to meet you. Believe me.

[anon001]

call me crazy... but I don't think sex and confidants should be reserved for people happy with not getting laid and having no one to talk to.

 

I'm a really lonely individual right now. You know what depresses me more than anything? Having to beat off to porn. Not having a human there for me. The shear thought that other people are getting laid and I'm not. The fact that others have someone to talk to and when I go to bed, no one knows me. Life just seems to short to wait so long for inner peace before doing anything. I'm lonely because I'm a bleeding heart who over analyzes everything and never acts on his gut. Why do I need to sit around and gain confidence through introspection? that makes no sense.

 

No wonder guys in their 40s are the ones buying nice cars. Apparently a healthy 26 year old is either enlightened and in a relationship or waiting for enlightenment.

 

Now I know the reality is that no female in her right mind would be attracted to a guy in my state. I know it's an evolutionary thing. I know its meant to teach me something. But I'm twenty six and life is passing me by every day that I'm still unhappy. it's urgent! Other than being depressed, I'm an amazing person and I don't see why it should obscure every other part of who I am.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I really need someone by my side. I feel depressed. Why? Because I'm alone! I'm listening to the air conditioner for 10 hours a day! Nothing for me could be more helpful than someone sitting, listening, bouncing ideas, getting me off and in general, just being familiar with my state of mind. Someone to bounce my loneliness off of in a constructive manner. Someone to grow with. Sometimes I wish a lonely unhappy intelligent girl would just ask if she could come and use me for a good talk, a good cry and a good railing. It might not help in the long run, and I wouldn't want it every day. But it might make this endless sea of loneliness a bit more tolerable. It might even give me the courage to examine something about myself in a light less obscured by depression.

 

 

 

 

just my two cents.

Of course I'm horny and lonely.

[SchecterGuy]

^have you had a girlfriend before or have you never dated?

[anon001]

one four year relationship.

[nothanks]

I always resent it when people tell me not to date for a while after a breakup. "You need to be alone for awhile (or six months, or a year, or whatever)." "You need to learn to love yourself." "Stop waiting for someone to bring you flowers and start tending your garden," etc. Those phrases make my blood boil!

 

There's the phenomenon of the Rebound for a reason- sometimes it helps. Sometimes you desperately want to feel attractive, to get some attention. You're hurting, you're lonely. So date if you want to!

 

Just try to be mindful of what you're doing, and it sounds like you are. I don't think you're going to wind up marrying someone you've met once or something like that. You sound aware, and intelligent.

 

Thinking about stuff like that doesn't mean you're going to do it. It's natural to sometimes think like that. My brother and I called it "Getting Married On The Bus" because we'd both experienced seeing someone on the bus on the way home and suddenly find ourselves fantasizing about getting married, or whatever. Never had a conversation with the stranger, but our minds would just take off.

 

It just means you're lonely, and, as you say, scared you won't ever find someone. It is ok.

 

I suggest you relax and date as much as you want to. Be mindful and try not to get into anything heavy, but if you end up in something heavy, so what? Maybe it'll be great! Or maybe it'll crash and burn, and you'll have to learn from it. But, honestly, as long as you are aware of what's going on, I don't think you have to worry too much.

 

I finally met a therapist who broke the mold. He told me there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, or seeking one, or dating, or hoping, or longing. He said most of us prefer to be in a relationship. He said a healthy relationship can make our lives so much better. There is nothing great or strong about being alone, he told me. He said the right relationship can actually help us heal ourselves and grow more than being alone. What a relief when he told me all that.

 

And it's true- I spent 5 and a half years totally alone, no dating, no nookie, no nothing. And when I started up a relationship again, guess what? I was not magically all better! I still had the exact same issues to work through as I had in my last relationship, five and a half years previously.

 

You can't learn to drive by staying away from cars.