People who have been cheated on; do you agree with the author?

[Mlost]

link removed

 

The author advocates not telling if you cheat and if you want to stay in the relationship and end the affair. Your thoughts? Would you rather have not known?

[SpeedingCars]

I just found out about two weeks ago. Ever since his "confession", things have been horrible between us...

 

I seriously would have preferred NOT to know. That way, HE would have to live with the guilt. Now, it's all loaded onto me and he has a clear conscience and is free to go about his day...

 

I used to think I HAD to know the truth, 100%. But now I think some things are better left unsaid...

[2900]

i cheated. and i never told him .it was the one time. i have regretted it everyday since it happened. and the guilt still eats at me now, even tho we are now exes. it was a mistake and i made sure it never happened again. i did not want to lose him and i did not want to hurt him. i figure, that guilt that i have to live with forever is a good enough punishment. i feel bad about it til this day.

[thejigsup]

I would not want to know if the relationship was going to continue.

[Lionel Hutz]

I dont agree with this woman. I would want to know, since there was obviously some void that was not being filled, which is not fair to the S/O or the other person involved. Its a waste of time. We have all been in relationhips where we saw something else and knew it could have lead to some type of relationship. To turn down girls or guys out of respect for someone who could be cheating is a waste of a faithful persons time.

[Mlost]

I would not want to know if the relationship was going to continue.

 

I think I'm in the same boat. I haven't been in a relationship where I've been cheated on. But the LDR girl who was filling my head and heart with sweet words hooked up with her ex the same night she got done thanking me for being the man of her dreams and that she wanted to be with me more than anything else in the world. I felt cheated on regardless. And as we continued on, the "feelings" still grew, but I couldn't get that picture out of my head. I think I would have preferred not knowing. Of course, the only way I found out was that I kept on calling her cell phone that night and he picked it up. God that was a horrible moment.

[karvala]

Try as a I might, I really don't understand this argument, because the central problems with it never seem to be addressed. In particular

 

(1) The author says honesty is an okay principle, but not hurting people is a higher principle, and so if lying to people hurts them less, that's okay. By which token, her advice to murderers and rapists would presumably be to also keep quiet about it, her advice to anyone committing fraud would be "okay, as long as no one finds it" etc. etc.. In other words, it doesn't matter what you do, just as you long as you never own up to it and you don't get caught. This seems to be recipe for the absolute lowest standards of behaviour in society. Nobody can offer an argument that I've seen why the dishonesty should be limited to infidelity only, when the principle so obviously extends to all these other situations, and nobody could seriously argue that society would be better off if everyone started to engage in these behaviours free from any obligation to ever be held responsible for them.

 

(2) The deterrent factor of someone having to face the person they've cheated on is powerful and well documented. I've even witnessed it first hand in a friend of mine, who cheated on her husband repeatedly, cheated on her next partner and never owned up to any of them. Cheated on her next partner as well, and I persuaded her to own up to it, and the horror of the experience ensured that she's never cheated again since. Of course she felt guilty before about the other instances, but she freely admitted that the guilt was much less painful than the experience of having to own up to it.

 

(3) As well as increasing the likelihood of the cheating occurring, it potentially decreases the peace of mind of the person in the relationship, because every day you have the possibility that unreported cheating is going on, with your permission. For example, Mlost writes "I haven't been in a relationship where I've been cheated on". My question is: how do you know, if you don't want to know if you have been? You might be being cheated on right now, and you'll never know about it (though I certainly hope not!). There seems little peace of mind to be had once you effectively give someone permission to deceive you.

 

(4) Perhaps the most damaging argument of all: it removes all choice about the relationship from the innocent party, and gives it all the cheater. The cheater is now effectively saying "not only do I get to cheat on you with someone else, but I also get to decide whether or not our relationship should continue, and you don't get to decide that because I'm going to withold the information necessary for you to make an informed decision". In other words, the very person who has shown poor judgement in having an affair, then claims the right to make the judgement about the future of the relationship on behalf of the other person, as though the other person is not capable or entitled to decide for themselves. The irony is overwhelming.

 

These are just some of the many reasons why "don't tell" is bad advice. Yes, I understand it hurts to find out, but that alone does not trump all of these compelling reasons why you should tell. The correct way to avoid causing someone pain is not to cheat and lie about it, it's to not cheat in the first place.

[Tethys]

I didn't read the article.

 

I was with someone who was a cheater, straight-up. He liked sleeping with as many women as possible while I was home cooking with him, cuddling with him on the couch when we watched movies, etc. Finding out how much he liked screwing other women was too painful for words. Even at my birthday party. My birthday party!

[mrmaximum]

 

Perhaps the most damaging argument of all: it removes all choice about the relationship from the innocent party, and gives it all the cheater. The cheater is now effectively saying "not only do I get to cheat on you with someone else, but I also get to decide whether or not our relationship should continue, and you don't get to decide that because I'm going to withold the information necessary for you to make an informed decision". In other words, the very person who has shown poor judgement in having an affair, then claims the right to make the judgement about the future of the relationship on behalf of the other person, as though the other person is not capable or entitled to decide for themselves. The irony is overwhelming.

 

This part bothers me the most. Why is the person who broke the rules of the relationship entitled to make such choices? Two people got together, and two people made the choice to make it official (whether exclusive or marriage) yet one breaks the rules and is still entitled to make choices without the other person knowing. How is this right? The funny thing is that you hit a good point Karvala, this topic crops up from time to time and sure, there are many people who say that they would love to not know about being a BS. The funny thing, they already know and have benefited from the knowledge. If what you wanted was actually true, then you couldn't be here to weigh in on the subject. You would be blissfully unaware about the true nature of your relationship.

 

However, there is still no way to know if your WS may be able to put this behind them and issues could crop up later in life. Think living a lie for a year is fun, how about 17, how great would that be?

 

These are just some of the many reasons why "don't tell" is bad advice. Yes, I understand it hurts to find out, but that alone does not trump all of these compelling reasons why you should tell. The correct way to avoid causing someone pain is not to cheat and lie about it, it's to not cheat in the first place.

 

I'm with you on that one too. The problem with that issue is that with so many people saying; "You have this one, just call it a Mulligan and work past it" well, it could make it easier to do so. Cheating hurts everyone, the BS, the WS, kids, everyone. I cannot agree with anything that could possibly make cheating easier to accomplish.

[Mlost]

I did like what karvala said about it taking choice away from the innocent party. That is probably THE most crucial part of being honest.

 

But, to be fair, I really don't feel that the author was moving the "don't tell" policy into other realms like rape, murder and fraud. This was confined to a scenario where a person cheats, they repent and still want the relationship, and then redouble their efforts to make it work. Not that I agree with that stance, but I do feel they were confining their beliefs to only this scenario.

[thejigsup]

Is life about being fair or getting what you need to survive? Our decisions can not always be fair, but the best decisions for everyone involved. Now a serial cheater, that's something else again. Cheating is kind of low on my no-no totem pole. Drinking, smoking, and being lazy are worse deal breakers for me. It just varies from person to person. If my mate just had a short fling and felt awful, I wouldn't want to know. If they cheat more than once, sure, I'm gone.

[mrmaximum]

Is life about being fair or getting what you need to survive? Our decisions can not always be fair, but the best decisions for everyone involved. Now a serial cheater, that's something else again. Cheating is kind of low on my no-no totem pole. Drinking, smoking, and being lazy are worse deal breakers for me. It just varies from person to person. If my mate just had a short fling and felt awful, I wouldn't want to know. If they cheat more than once, sure, I'm gone.

 

However, if your someone like me or my wife who has a zero tolerance policy on the deal, one may 'slip' and then BECAUSE of how I feel, not tell me. My stance is supposed to be a deterrent, not motivation to lie to me further. The point is that there are others who will indeed fall in between you and I but the stance that the author makes essentially cuts us out of the decision making process altogether no matter what we want. Is life fair, no, but that is no reason to do something horrible against your marriage, the best decision is NOT to cheat in the first place so as not to find yourself in this position.

[lapseinjudgement]

Ive been cheated on recently... It sucks... She told me and she said things had to end. I almost wish i didnt know because now it seems she has a clear mind and i just sit here hurt worse because not only did i loose my love and my best friend but i lost trust in the only person i truly trusted.

[cs90453]

I'm sorry to hear about that. It totally sucks and alot of us have been there. It's truly sad when someone isn't playing by the rules and that's how I see things in a relationship...as a commitment. I just find it funny when someone writes about affairs like this is such a little thing to get past but there's so many variables. How long did it go on? Who was it with? Did it happen in our bed?...etc.

 

I can certainly understand the reasons for having them because I'm sure that alot of us have had the opportunity in the past and I can't say that I was happy all of the time in my marriage. I for one have had them and I was tempted by the offer but I thought about my wife and how it would deeply hurt her so I didn't...if for anything else I couldn't live witht the guilt of knowing that I could do something that's so cruel.

 

When you break an agreement, there are penalties...plain and simple.

[law1204]

 

Uh...does not equate. Telling the person that you directly cheated on emotionally injures them but certainly not physically as in the case of rape and murder. I find it disurbing and morally skewed to compare infidelity to rape and murder.

 

Further, murderers and rapists don't keep things quiet to avoid hurting their victims further. Their victims already know about the problem or have already been victimized to the fullest extent possible and so cannot be further injured.

 

At this point you can argue that "everyone in society" is injured by murder and rape, and you would be right, but that's like arguing about the feelings of the in-laws when talking about infidelity. Not really on the radar.

 

This seems to be recipe for the absolute lowest standards of behaviour in society.

 

Emotional injury is far, far different than monetary damage or other kinds of crime. Myra's argument is correct, obviously so. Telling the cheatee hurts them. How can anyone deny that?

 

Nobody can offer an argument that I've seen why the dishonesty should be limited to infidelity only,

 

Because infidelity is not a crime. It is an emotional injury having to do with the dynamics of an intimate private relationship between two people. It can hardly be compared to committing illegal acts which injure people monetarily or physically.

 

(2) The deterrent factor of someone having to face the person they've cheated on is powerful and well documented.

 

Actually this is not always the case. My affair ramped up commensurate with my husband's abuse of me, in my case.

 

(3) As well as increasing the likelihood of the cheating occurring, it potentially decreases the peace of mind of the person in the relationship, because every day you have the possibility that unreported cheating is going on, with your permission.

 

Every day, everyone's relationship could be in jeopardy from something. Complacency is deadly.

 

(4) Perhaps the most damaging argument of all: it removes all choice about the relationship from the innocent party, and gives it all the cheater.

 

Not telling someone something that emotionally damages them does not remove the power of choice from them. They can still leave their relationship any time they want to.

 

Every day, people make decisions in their lives even though they may be missing information or even misinformed. That's life. There is even information in relationships I would say that one's SO is NOT entitled to, such as your sexual past or access to your personal journal.

 

In the case of infidelity, there is no better argument for not telling than personal protection. Telling your SO that you cheated on them gives them ammunition to abuse you with your mistake for the rest of your relationship. No one wants to live that way, believe me.

 

Law

[law1204]

I didn't read the article.

 

I was with someone who was a cheater, straight-up. He liked sleeping with as many women as possible while I was home cooking with him, cuddling with him on the couch when we watched movies, etc. Finding out how much he liked screwing other women was too painful for words. Even at my birthday party. My birthday party!

 

My best friend was cheated on on her 30th birthday. At that point it is very safe to conclude that your SO was dysfunctional on a whole 'nother level. I think sociopath would be the correct descriptor.

 

I am so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that.

 

Law

[Johnathan]

Not telling someone something that emotionally damages them does not remove the power of choice from them. They can still leave their relationship any time they want to.

 

You're bypassing the point and getting too technical on the terminology. Freedom of reaction to the event is what we're talking about.

Explain to me how a coverup of that magnitude does not remove freedom of reaction from the innocent partner. It's simple; you receive news, you act accordingly. You can't react to what's hidden from you. Sure you have the choice to leave your partner anytime because of any old issue, like smelly feet or bad cooking skills, sure. But how do you retain your freedom to react to information that is totally hidden from your knowledge?

 

 

Every day, people make decisions in their lives even though they may be missing information or even misinformed. That's life. There is even information in relationships I would say that one's SO is NOT entitled to, such as your sexual past or access to your personal journal.

 

 

 

Just like you said issues of the law shouldnt always be compared to ethical issues in relationships, information like past partners shouldn't be compared to information that's actually relevant to the agreement of 2 people becoming exclusive.

 

 

In the case of infidelity, there is no better argument for not telling than personal protection. Telling your SO that you cheated on them gives them ammunition to abuse you with your mistake for the rest of your relationship. No one wants to live that way, believe me.

But didn't you just say a minute ago that anyone can still leave their relationship at anytime if they want to? Getting abused forever because you told the truth and confessed to cheating sounds like a great reason to leave.

[d24]

i wouldn't want to know. it hurts too much and shifts the pain to me instead of it being their guilt.

At the same time though if it happened multiple times with multiple people I WOULD want to know, for my sexual health and so I could find someone more committed.

 

So by that token if I ever did make a terrible mistake and cheat on my gf (id hate myself if i did) then i wouldnt tell her because it was my problem and i dont want to hurt her - i want to be with her and will punnish myself for the terrible mistake i made.

however if it turned into an affair because i wanted something that she couldnt or wouldnt give me, then id tell her - because it's something we could work on, or it's soemthing we can break-up over so i can be fulfilled and she doesn't have to live with a cheating pig and can have the MAN she deserves.

 

it's a really thin line.

[karvala]

You're missing the point. The reason given by the author of the original article for not telling, and indeed the reason you're repeating again here, is that cheating hurts, and thereforeee it's okay to lie if it reduces the pain for someone. Not telling people about various things, including those I've listed, may reduce the pain for those people. According to the principle laid out by the author, this is thereforeee desirable behaviour. Either you have a principle or you don't; the author doesn't say "saving pain is okay, except when it's illegal", and she didn't say it because then she would have to explain what legality had to do with it, and as the answer is nothing, she wouldn't have been able to. So let's be clear: if you believe that lying to spare pain is a good thing and okay for victims of infidelity, why are victims of crime not allowed a part of this good thing?

 

 

 

Nobody said is was ALWAYS the case. It is however, the case very often, which is why regarding it as okay to lie about infidelity will increase the number of instances of infidelity, not in EVERY case, but in many cases, and even one extra case of infidelity is one too many in my view.

 

 

 

Delightful platitude, but doesn't address the argument in any way.

 

 

 

I doubt many people would regard the information of your current partner cheating on you as irrelevant to the relationship. I don't recall the right to privacy, for things such as a journal, including the right to cheat. What else does it include? The right to steal from your partner and not tell them about it? Previous criminal convictions kept secret? Five previous marriages kept secret? Lost your current job, but shouldn't tell your partner because it might upset them? Goodness me, where would it end?!

 

The partner cannot make an INFORMED choice to leave (which is what I originally said, not just A choice), because the relevant information is being witheld by the other partner. You'd have to be pretty desperate to justify cheating to argue that someone is not entitled to make an informed decision about their current relationship, and that as long as they're happy with the rest of it, they somehow shouldn't mind that their partner is cheating, so they don't need to know.

 

 

 

Ah, and now we finally come to it: the lying is actually for the benefit of the person doing the cheating. Congratulations on your honesty at least; everyone knows this, but the lengths people go to to try and pretend their lying for someone else's benefit is quite extraordinary. So yes, if you believe a relationship is a contest, a competition where you have to try and out-do your partner in some way, get the better of them, then by all means lie for your own personal benefit. That's not a view of relationships that I share, however.

[karvala]

i wouldn't want to know. it hurts too much and shifts the pain to me instead of it being their guilt.

At the same time though if it happened multiple times with multiple people I WOULD want to know, for my sexual health and so I could find someone more committed.

 

So by that token if I ever did make a terrible mistake and cheat on my gf (id hate myself if i did) then i wouldnt tell her because it was my problem and i dont want to hurt her - i want to be with her and will punnish myself for the terrible mistake i made.

 

Note how that's all about you. What about whether she wants to stay with you? Doesn't she get that choice? If you don't want to hurt her, don't sleep with someone else in the first place. It's not a "mistake" it's a choice.

 

however if it turned into an affair because i wanted something that she couldnt or wouldnt give me, then id tell her - because it's something we could work on, or it's soemthing we can break-up over so i can be fulfilled and she doesn't have to live with a cheating pig and can have the MAN she deserves.

 

it's a really thin line.

 

So if doesn't turn into an affair, then she should have to live with a "cheating pig"?

[d24]

Note how that's all about you. What about whether she wants to stay with you? Doesn't she get that choice? If you don't want to hurt her, don't sleep with someone else in the first place. It's not a "mistake" it's a choice.

The argument here is that she WOULD be hurt if she found out, and if you're able to honestly hold your hand up and say it was a stupid mistake and you wished it had never happened, what's the sense in telling her, because it's just going to hurt her, hurt your relationship, and not do any good. Similar to if her bum really does look fat in her jeans why would you tell her? It's a lot easier and less hurtful for everyone if you say "no honey you look great".

 

 

So if doesn't turn into an affair, then she should have to live with a "cheating pig"?

if it turns into an affair its because you're getting something from the OW that your current SO cannot or will not give you that means there's something fundamentally wrong in your relationship and you need to air those concerns. in my mind you should have the balls to own up to the situation and admit that you've been creeping - then it's totally her decision on whether she wants to take you back and work on it or not. But by virtue of you admitting, at least the choice is more transparent.

 

 

Not to mention that cheating/lieing isn't just sexual. It could be emotional. It could be kissing. It could be meeting an ex for coffee when you said you were at the gym. I'm not limiting it to just sex - in the sense of if you cheat on your SO by snogging a stranger whilst very drunk (obviously a mistake) what would be the sense in admitting to that other than to allieviate your conscience? And bear in mind the immense strain, hurt and pain you'll be creating by doing so.

 

 

I'm just saying (and not judging) - I'd not want to know if it happened just once, but would if it was multiple occurrences. And that's the way I expect to be treated.

[mrmaximum]

The argument here is that she WOULD be hurt if she found out.

I'm just saying (and not judging) - I'd not want to know if it happened just once, but would if it was multiple occurrences. And that's the way I expect to be treated.

 

What about your SO's choice in the matter? That's the thing, they don't get a say for their protection. If they have told you that they wouldn't want to know then I guess by all means. However, if they told you or even imply that they would like to know then do you not have an obligation to do so? If you hide something like this from the one person who is supposed to trust you with their life, what else can you hide from them? Karvala has a good point, where does it end? Hurting her and ending the relationship is all well and good, but these are thoughts that should have been considered before the action was taken, not after. That's the point, it's an agreement that is supposed to deter the action, not hide it so it festers and possibly becomes worse.

 

There is nothing selfless in hiding your infraction against the relationship to 'protect your partner', it's all about protecting your self interests which is one reason why people fly off the handle if the affair comes to light years later. Sure, you may lose your SO, but then you are the one who has to look them in the eye and know that you hurt them. They will be hamred, by your actions, but the further betrayel hurts much worse. Ask Ben10 about it, he knows full well about how it feels to be cheated on and then left in the dark, so the relationship continues, it isn't nice. If you want to protect your relationship, do not engage in activities that endager it, cheating is a choice, it isn't an action that usually makes one's relationship stronger. There are no mulligans in life and people often get frustrated beyond belief when the try and then try again to create them.

 

There isn't a fix for every relationship and not every relationship must continue or even saved for that matter.

[tangi39]

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

 

Just my two cents-

 

I would want to know. And if I knew someone was cheating on a friend of mine, I'd tell them.

 

In my experience, 90 % of the time, the truth comes out anyway.

 

I have never once heard someone be thankful or grateful to their partner for "sparing" them the pain.

Ironically, in most cases I've seen, the partner would have forgiven them if they were told right away and could have moved past it together. But due to being lied to (sometimes for years before finding out) the person won't forgive them. So IMHO, it is FAR better for everyone to just let the truth be known.

For some people ignorance is bliss, but not for me.

[man_up]

 

The author advocates not telling if you cheat and if you want to stay in the relationship and end the affair. Your thoughts? Would you rather have not known?

 

I would ALWAYS want to know if I am with someone who isn't worth my time.

[karvala]

The argument here is that she WOULD be hurt if she found out, and if you're able to honestly hold your hand up and say it was a stupid mistake and you wished it had never happened, what's the sense in telling her, because it's just going to hurt her, hurt your relationship, and not do any good. Similar to if her bum really does look fat in her jeans why would you tell her? It's a lot easier and less hurtful for everyone if you say "no honey you look great".

 

Okay yes, if it were the case that the cheating had absolutely no consequences on the relationship if it were not known about, had absolutely no chance of repetition, and was done from a 100% selfless perspective without any sense of getting away with it, I might agree with you, and then it would indeed be equivalent to the analogy you give. But I've never come accross a real-world infidelity situation where this is the case. Cheaters who don't tell DO have a sense of self-preservation (we've seen it already even in other posts in this thread), quantitatively and qualitiatively it DOES increase the chance of it happening again (rather than having a situation where it's guaranteed not to happen again), and the guilt DOES affect the behaviour of the cheater in the remainder of the relationship.

 

if it turns into an affair its because you're getting something from the OW that your current SO cannot or will not give you that means there's something fundamentally wrong in your relationship and you need to air those concerns. in my mind you should have the balls to own up to the situation and admit that you've been creeping - then it's totally her decision on whether she wants to take you back and work on it or not. But by virtue of you admitting, at least the choice is more transparent.

 

Not to mention that cheating/lieing isn't just sexual. It could be emotional. It could be kissing. It could be meeting an ex for coffee when you said you were at the gym. I'm not limiting it to just sex - in the sense of if you cheat on your SO by snogging a stranger whilst very drunk (obviously a mistake) what would be the sense in admitting to that other than to allieviate your conscience? And bear in mind the immense strain, hurt and pain you'll be creating by doing so.

 

I'm just saying (and not judging) - I'd not want to know if it happened just once, but would if it was multiple occurrences. And that's the way I expect to be treated.

 

But you see, I don't expect my gf to snog other people when she's drunk. That's not the person she is, it's not something she's ever done to my knowledge (either while with me or with any of her previous guys), and that's not a person I'd want to be with. So if she does have a mistaken drunken snog with someone, I would want to know because that information is highly relevant to me, and I would need to take that into account when deciding whether or not to remain with her. If I give her licence to do it and not tell me, how I am supposed to make an informed judgment?