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Did I do the right thing? Telling her BF she cheated on him - with me

Johnathan

By Johnathan
in Breaking Up Advice

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Johnathan Enthusiast

Johnathan

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I finally told the girl who I've been romantically involved with that she should confess to her BF she recently cheated. They've been together 7 years and he has given her several chances to clean up her act and regain his trust. They want to be with each other for life, but he was literally on his last straw with her as far as her infidelity.

The problem? She has strong feelings for me too. And I for her, and she never wanted to stop talking to me and sharing emotional affection with me.

 

After they 'made it official' again, she and I continued to hang out but only as 'friends'. But we still showed our feelings for each other. And then it happened. We went on a trip together, without him knowing about it, and had sex twice. She refused to tell him about it and instead took the "I will be 100% faithful to him from this point on, without telling him about what I just did" position, which I thought was total BS. If he knew that I even went on the trip with her, let alone slept with her, his trust would be shattered for the last time and he'd leave her for good.

 

We've argued about this for weeks. I pulled out every logical reason in the book why she should come clean with him (using some great advice in the "Confessions Hurt" thread in the infidelity forum), pleaded with her about how she's not working out anything with him by hiding it, and he deserves to to know what happened and its his right to decide what to do, but there was just no reasoning with her. Finally I threatened to tell him myself. Then she got pissed and lost respect for me.

Speaking of which, the debate in that "confessions hurt" thread (along with lots of other threads on that subject) is at the root of this issue. It's the debate of whether or not a cheater has a moral obligation to come clean to their partner. It's a hot topic on ENA.

In a nutshell, she basically said 'how dare you think you can play God with my relationship with him, you have no right to tell him, its solely beween him and I, how could you betray me like this" (that was my favorite one.....she's the poster child for betrayal).

 

Basically, I grew more and more heartbroken that she strung me along for romantic backup, so decided that if I was going to start no contact, I may as well tell him what happened first.

So I told him. Went to his work to talk to him face to face, but he was out to lunch or whatever (so was I) so I left him a letter on his desk telling him what happened. I was not an a-hole in the letter. I simply wrote it to him from the standpoint of wanting him to know the truth, just like I would if I were in his situation.

That was 2 days ago. I'm sure she hates me and has lost all respect for me now. I haven't heard anything from her and she may never speak to me again. Of course, I knew that would happen, but I was so heartbroken and pissed off at all her deception that I decided to take matters into my own hands. I know he's leaving her now, and her life is in shambles. On the chance that he's not leaving her right now, I know he has completely shut down inside and will never ever look at her the same again. They live together which makes it 1000x worse. She thinks I'm the unethical one, I think she was the unethical one. On the surface, I was not trying to break them up, I simply put myself in his shoes and felt he deserved to know what happened...so he could have his right to decide what to do. On a more emotional level, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a small part of me that wanted to break them up for ripping my heart out and wanting to give her a taste of her own medicine so she'd learn a valuable lesson...

A 7 year relationship down the drain.

This has also basically caused the "break up" of her and I.

I feel horrible at times, wondering how I could put her through this, and how I could be this selfish, after telling her I just want her to be happy. I feel sick to the stomach for doing it instead of just walking away and letting it be. And plagued with guilt for taking an awesome experience that she gave me, and exploiting it and using it against her. And other times I feel justified in what I did and that she really deserves it and will never learn to stop cheating unless she's put through this...and faces the consequences of her actions. I'm an emotional mess. But not even a tenth of how big a mess she is right now.

I would very much appreciate any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences that might help me through this.

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Johnathan Enthusiast

Johnathan

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You know that she will cheat on you as well in the end...so your rationale for breaking them up so that you can be with her is illogical.

 

I never said that's why I did it. That's not why I did it. If I still held out hope for being with her, I wouldnt have purposely landed myself on her **** list. I would have continued to be strung along by her.

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richmonder80 Explorer

richmonder80

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I never said that's why I did it. That's not why I did it. If I still held out hope for being with her, I wouldnt have purposely landed myself on her **** list. I would have continued to be strung along by her.

 

Do I think what you did was right? No

 

Was is wrong of her to cheat on her bf? Yes

 

Should she have told her bf? Yes and does he derserve to know? yes but not by you.

 

if you didn't want her in the end then why did you tell him?

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Snoopy24 Enthusiast

Snoopy24

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well you knew she had a boyfriend, so you can't blame anyone but yourself.

 

You shouldn't have told her boyfriend. It wasn't your place to tell. maybe if you had no clue she had a boyfriend that would be a different story.

 

But you knew all about him when you slept with her.

 

Just move on from the whole situation and don't look back.

 

Take this as a lesson learned.

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metrogirl Veteran

metrogirl

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I agree with Snoopy, you knew full well that she was involved with someone else and you chose to sleep with her.....You essentially were trying to force her to choose you and she didn't want that so you ratted her out. Spiteful...

 

I'm just wondering, weren't you worried about the boyfriend reacting to the information had you given it to him in person?

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Ixtapa Enthusiast

Ixtapa

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Well....what is done is done, but honestly, what I dont understand is...what were you hoping to achieve by telling her bf that she cheated on him ?

 

She cheated on him with YOU so you are partly responsible for it.....and telling her boyfriend about it certainly doesnt make YOU look good either in my opinion.

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Johnathan Enthusiast

Johnathan

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I agree with Snoopy, you knew full well that she was involved with someone else and you chose to sleep with her.....You essentially were trying to force her to choose you and she didn't want that so you ratted her out. Spiteful...

 

I'm just wondering, weren't you worried about the boyfriend reacting to the information had you given it to him in person?

 

Not enough to keep me from wanting to do it in person.

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BetterKarma Community Regular

BetterKarma

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I think IMO you did this out of spite because she chose to stay with her bf instead of with you. If you truly felt that her infidelity is so wrong and an awful way to treat her boyfriend, you would not have slept with her.

 

But what's done is done. Move on and find someone who's not involved with someone else. I'm sure she'll get her karma back one way or another.

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TheSmilingTurnip Rising Star

TheSmilingTurnip

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I don't know if it was right or wrong. To say it was none of your business is not really true - you were emotionally involved with this deceptive person. If she really wanted it to remain no one's business, she should not have conducted herself this way.

 

to me, the bottom line is this -- these consequences to her of losing her relationship are not your fault. That's HER fault. If you don't want someone telling your boyfriend that you're cheating on him, then don't give anyone anything to tell. Then you will have no fear.

 

For you, if you want to love someone, you will find that it is far easier to love someone who is available for receiving your love and acting on it appropriately. You will have much better luck getting your needs met. Don't sleep with or date unavailable people unless they make themselves available (single). If they don't, then it is because you're not worth it to them. do you see what I mean?

 

You have to answer for yourself whether telling him was right or wrong. By doing this you may have done yourself a favor...and I don't mean because you broke them up - now this person will not become your future girlfriend, and you will not start receiving letters yourself in the future from whomever she's got on the side while dating you.

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Johnathan Enthusiast

Johnathan

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Yeah. I really think all 3 of us are at fault in our own ways for this mess.

 

Here's how I look at it. So many people have said, "forget about this girl, don't waste your time with someone who toys with your heart, you deserve to not have to share, walk away..." well, I finally took that advice...

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TheSmilingTurnip Rising Star

TheSmilingTurnip

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Yeah. I really think all 3 of us are at fault in our own ways for this mess.

 

Here's how I look at it. So many people have said, "forget about this girl, don't waste your time with someone who toys with your heart, you deserve to not have to share, walk away..." well, I finally took that advice...

 

No I would not fault the boyfriend. He did not cheat on himself.

 

It's just you and her, baby.

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BeStrongBeHappy Experienced

BeStrongBeHappy

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Or she will just convince her boyfriend you're a lunatic stalker for having left that note.

 

Or they'll have a big fight, then re-confirm their love together and move on with one another.

 

See, you're a voyeur on their relationship. You have no clue about the complexities of that relationship or what it means to them or how he will react. Perhaps he's cheated too, and they'll have a couple of confessional crying sessions, throw themselves in each other's arms and be closer than ever.

 

You are tryng to play a very enmeshed and not healthy game with them and their relationship. their relationship is none of your business, and all the scenarios you imagine for their relationship may have nothing to do with what happens at all.

 

So you set up a situation to cheat with her, lure her into it, then you rush in to deliver the coup de grace in order to kill the relationship to 'save' him from the affair that you engineered? You're no hero here, honestly, this is a sick situation and you need to recognize that you are playing out some drama here trying to avenge your own frustration and desire and the fact that you need to still think of yourself as a good guy while you're boinking some other man's girlfriend, and you want to really punish her for not leaving him.

 

See this clearly: it was a sordid affair, she doesn't love you and never did, and she and he most likely do love each other but have some serious problems they need to deal with. Their relationship may not survive, or this could be the thing that shocks them out of complacency to build a better relationship for themselves. But NOT you problem or issue and you shouldn't even be thinking about it.

 

Walk away from this mess and don't look back. Only date single women who are available for a relationship.

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ImThatGirl Mentor

ImThatGirl

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I think you just did this to sabotage her and the possibility that she will involve you in her life any longer. I think you did it as a one last, I can have part of you if I want but since you've chosen him over me, I'm going to take you and then ruin your life.

 

I think you did it for selfish reasons. With the hopes that neither of you will end up with her and she will end up all alone. Wow.

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Johnathan Enthusiast

Johnathan

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I know, I'm a horrible person for retaliating against her manipulating her way to love. I engineered it all. Even though it was her idea to go on the trip with me, and even though that last time we had sex, she practically raped me while I tried to hold out. I know, that's not good enough . I engineered 100% of it and she has no responsibility at all. Right.

He's not at fault for being her doormat through 3 guys she cheated on him with, and she's not at fault for toying with 2 peoples hearts simultaneously for half a year. It's all on me, I'm a horrible selfish piece of ****.

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TheSmilingTurnip Rising Star

TheSmilingTurnip

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I know, I'm a horrible person for retaliating against her manipulating her way to love. I engineered it all. Even though it was her idea to go on the trip with me, and even though that last time we had sex, she practically raped me while I tried to hold out. I know, that's not good enough . I engineered 100% of it and she has no responsibility at all. Right.

He's not at fault for being her doormat through 3 guys she cheated on him with, and she's not at fault for toying with 2 peoples hearts simultaneously for half a year. It's all on me, I'm a horrible selfish piece of ****.

 

His share of the blame is none of your business. He's not accountable to you.

 

It's her fault that she cheated. It's your fault that you cheated with her. You needn't go ballistic on yourself or get all dramatic. You made a mistake of having sex with someone who was using you. Forgive yourself, move on, and don't look for validation from people on the internet, you're not going to get it. What you will get is judgment upon judgment.

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Snoopy24 Enthusiast

Snoopy24

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I know, I'm a horrible person for retaliating against her manipulating her way to love. I engineered it all. Even though it was her idea to go on the trip with me, and even though that last time we had sex, she practically raped me while I tried to hold out. I know, that's not good enough . I engineered 100% of it and she has no responsibility at all. Right.

He's not at fault for being her doormat through 3 guys she cheated on him with, and she's not at fault for toying with 2 peoples hearts simultaneously for half a year. It's all on me, I'm a horrible selfish piece of ****.

 

 

If you knew she was attached you toyed with your own heart. It doesn't matter if it was HER idea to go on the trip. ..you still went, knowing a possibility of what would happen.

 

I think you're trying to give her most of the blame, but you are equally responsible.

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