a year and a half later!

[Symentha]

My exhusband and I had a pretty co-dependant relationship. He has bipolar, and DID. I have major depression and schizoaffective disorder. We were both pretty unhealthy, and we used each other, and were triggered by each other all the time. Finally, after almost three years of marriage, I decided that i wanted to get well. He didn't want to do it, he didn't want to change. I needed to change, and i needed to be with someone who was at least striving to be healthy. So we split up. We have been divorced for 19 months. Still he gets to me. And I let him, inspite of myself.

 

Last night, he IM'd me when i logged on. He told me he was having a difficult time. That he stopped therapy, and stopped seeing his shrink. He was trying to pull me into his stuff. He was telling me how hard things were for him financially. I was trying to be supportive and understanding. He has a history of cutting, and I was concerned that he might do something to hurt himself. I asked him if he could promise me that he would not cut, and if he wanted to cut, i asked him to call someone and talk it out ....so that he would take care of himself. He got really mad at me. He told me that he would not promise me that because that is something that he would NEVER do. Then he said that he was fine, and in a great mood. I said "hmmmm" trying to find the right words to use. He took that as me not believing him, and he got all bent out of shape, said some things, then logged off the computer.

 

I don't know what happened???? I don't know what I did???? It seemed like he wanted my permission to hurt himself, and it is really none of my business. I wish that he would go back to his shrink and T...but he says that he can't afford it. Maybe i should take a step back, and let him figure this out on his own. I am so used to taking care of him. It is hard to let him go, even now after all this time. I want to take care of him. but that is the co-dependance in me i am sure. This is so hard. His family, his church, his friends have all given up on him...i am afraid if i do, then he will kill himself. That would be horrible. What do i do here? I am like a sailor without a compass...what way do i go??

 

Thanks guys

 

Symmi

[Catdancer]

If you try to take care of him again and get immersed in his life and problems it will impact your life in the negative. You already know this. So, this is the question. Is it worth sacrificing yourself to save him (keeping in mind he doesnt want to be saved)?

 

If you want to throw away all that you've built for yourself go ahead and give him all that he needs and take care of him all you want.

 

BUT

 

If you are proud of yourself and the life you've built for you, leave him alone to fight his own demons. He's an adult. You got help. So can he. But he has to want to get help and change first. With you there coddling and taking care of him, he wont get help and change. He wont have to.