losing a friend - was this avoidable?

[stella74]

Previously I posted about a close friend that flirted with me despite his disinterest. I made it clear that my priority was a relationship and I distanced myself but we kept in contact and remained friends. He stopped flirting but he also stopped showing interest in the friendship, much to my disappointment.

 

However, in these past 6 months, he has not been there for me during my grief over my friends' deaths or my impending job layoff. About 4 months ago, I decided to go NC so I could get over him. The other day I broke NC to explain why I hadn't been in touch and that I'd initiate contact again when I was ready to continue the friendship.

 

He emailed me today that he is frustrated by my behavior and that the communication breakdown between us has made him decide to end the friendship. He asked that I never contact him again.

 

I'm actually relieved in this odd way. Although I'm sad too.

 

Do you think there was anything either of us could have done to salvage this friendship? The previous thread is here:

[Supa_gurl]

If you are relieved, it doesn't matter any more if it could have been salvaged. I know it is sad, but you have shown that you can go NC and survive. Go ahead and move on and be happy. You deserve happiness. ((hugs))

[grymoire]

However, in these past 6 months, he has not been there for me during my grief over my friends' deaths or my impending job layoff.

 

He is not a good friend... don't worry about losing him.

[stella74]

Thanks for the support Supa_gurl and Grymoire. I appreciate it.

 

Grymoire, I actually thought of you because my situation reminded me a bit of the one you were in with that woman friend of yours.

[Karmageddon]

It sounds like your "friend" has a bit of an ego issue. Believe me there are plenty of 45 y/o that act 28 You are better off this way, but I know its tough to lose an important person from your life. He was not really respecting your wishes & if he was a true friend in every sense of the word, he would have

[tangi39]

He is not a good friend... don't worry about losing him.

 

I agree. He was probably only wanted an ego boost and liked the attention you gave him when he flirted with you. It sounds like he wants to be adored with no strings attached or real effort on his part. He's not a real friend, and not a real loss, either. Frienship is a two way street, he was just a taker. And who needs someone like that ? Good riddance.

Stick with the people who really do care about you for you.

[stella74]

I understand what you all are saying, but I also think there are things I can learn from this situation so I don't repeat it. I have a pattern of getting emotionally attached to platonic male friends to whom I'm attracted when it's clear they don't feel the same way.

 

I've worked really hard on this for a long time, and going NC was something new for me. I've never done it before with a friend and it helped a lot. Over the past four months, I've let go of him and so now it doesn't hurt so much. Nonetheless, I keep thinking that there is something I could have done to have avoided such a bad breakup with a friend.

 

Should I have taken more responsibility for ending things on my own rather than having him do it? Should I have never gotten so close to him in the first place? Should I have not broken NC and just let the friendship die out on its own?

[grymoire]

I understand what you all are saying, but I also think there are things I can learn from this situation so I don't repeat it. I have a pattern of getting emotionally attached to platonic male friends to whom I'm attracted when it's clear they don't feel the same way.

 

You are contradicting yourself.... there cannot be a platonic friendship when there is attraction involved! and when there is attraction involved but there is only friendship (as opposed to a dating relationship) then it is not a straight forward relationship... and relationships that are not straight forward will not work for straight forward people

 

Heed to the words of some one that has been there and done that!

[Excalibur]

Okay, you made it clear to him that hanging out/hooking up, FWB, casual dating was NOT on your agenda....you say you believed you were close friends until you made that announcement, and he stopped communicating and being involved with you.

 

What doesthat tell you? No matter how close to him you felt, no matter how much you told him your secrets and becuase he didn't run screaming from the room you believed he liked you as a person, no matter what you "felt"........he was never involved with you for anything but "options".

 

You made it very clear "no matter how much you go out to dinnerwith me, hear about my day, let me vent about my love life or lack thereof, you'll never get any action".

 

So he stopped contact.

 

You now complain he's not been there for you at a significant event of negative.

 

If you'd lose the delusion in your head that he was ever your friend- you wouldn't be upset that he's not your friend in crisis.

 

It was you liking the ide athat you had "a friend, despite rejecting his sexual advances"...that had you diong all that contacting and attempting to involve - even though he was keeping his distance.

 

while you were having to put chinese handcuffs on your fingers not to dial or text or email him...he wasn't doing same. HE didn't care if there was contact or not, becase there was no need for contact based on your disparity in agendas.

 

So then...you can't stand no contact, so you contact...and you're letting him know you still suffer the delusion that you're friends. He's now telling you what he thought was clear "we're not friends, please leave me alone."

 

Never have relationships in your head - if you don't review all the facts and transactions in the real life interaction objectively and discerningly.

[grymoire]

I have a question to the OP.

 

Why would you go NC with a friend? NC is usually done by people that were in relationships and have now broken up, isn't it?

 

Did you ever have feelings for this guy? Some thing does not seem to add up here....

[stella74]

With all due respect Excalibur, I often see you project a lot onto people. I understand what you're saying but a lot isn't relevant to this thread or to me.

 

To you and Grymoire - if you'd read the previous thread, you'd see that he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me after I'd told him I had feelings for him. I went NC after getting that advice from other posters.

 

I have many platonic male friends, some I'm attracted to and some I'm not. My ex-fiance was a platonic friend before he declared his interest and asked me out on a date. I'm interested in answers to my questions. What can I do differently next time if I become emotionally attached to a male friend to whom I'm attracted if he doesn't feel the same way (or at least says he doesn't)? Thanks.

[grymoire]

What can I do differently next time if I become emotionally attached to a male friend to whom I'm attracted if he doesn't feel the same way (or at least says he doesn't)? Thanks.

 

Unfortunately Stella the first thing that I want to say is probably the last thing that you want to hear... and that is to leave the friendship. Yeah it IS very painful.... but that is the best thing to do in my opinion.

 

You cannot be attracted to some one and then continue to remain as only friends with them. That is not a healthy situation. You feel an attraction to a male friend, you express it, it is not reciprocated... what would you do now? You have to be smart and understand that a platonic friendship is simply impossible at that point. Even if it is its gonna be a painful one... for both parties involved. Both of you wud always be wondering... both of you would be feeding on each others attention and leading on unknowingly... It is subtle but its there....

 

Now I can understand why this guy did what he did.... He basically enjoyed the fact that you had feelings for him... He constantly flirted with you to see if you still had that attraction... once you declared NC you essentially deprived him of your attention and when you did go back after 4 months he didn't have anything to do with you... A true friend may remain at a distance but he would be with you during your times of distress... this guy did not.

 

I have been in your situation.... just the genders reversed though. When you say "or at least says he doesn't" I can perfectly understand what you mean there... You are wondering why this guy flirts with you when he says he is not interested.... Just like how I wondered for 3 years why this girl is sooooo into me when she likes me only as a friend... It is hell i tell ya... all the constant wondering and the why questions will suck up your psychological time completely.... when I finally "woke up" i realized 3 years have passed by.... she still says she likes me only as a friend... and she still behaves in ways that are confusing to me.... but the good thing is that i have given up on trying to define the so called 'friendship'... it is what it is...

 

Either you have the courage to accept things as they are or else you boldly walk out of the friendship.... I would advise you to do the latter....

[stella74]

Thanks so much for your awesome reply Grymoire. It makes total sense and is very helpful.