Feeling low, want to spend new years with my friends

[Archivist]

Hi everyone,

 

I dont expect a reply, i just need a place to rant. As the new year beckons, i find myself so lonely and feeling generally low. My friends are having a get together and everyones asking me to go. The problem with that is, my ex and her new boyfriend (who is also my "friend") will be there.

 

A little history, we were together for one and a half years, we broke up in september and then she started to have feelings and then date one of our mutal friends in november. As you can imagine this hurt like hell, its a little more complicated than that but thats basically what happpened.

 

We all share mutual friends and i can' t help but feel so alone and left out while everyone has a great time tonight, i have other friends doing other things, but most of them are at my ex and her bf's house gathering. They all understand how i can't go as i'd just hurt so much.

 

I had cut off all contact with those two before, but during the xmas period i decided i would make the effort not to hold a grudge against them so i made the effort not to be bitter about it. One reason i did that was because i see them very often at social occasions so it would very difficult to hold a grudge for so long. The problem with that is, they are both feeling so guility about it, when i see them they try to act like my best friend. They make such an effort it makes me cringe inside, i can handle the fact that whats done is done. But i am still so hurt by their actions and i find that the constant contact with them keeps knocking back my healing process.

 

Added the fact that my ex even asked me to come to her current bf's house gathering, which i thought was just so tasteless. I admit that i've put on the brave face and not come accross as hurt but i dont think i can handle their persistent gestures of peace. Thats when i finally told her, that even though i do not want two enimies, its still very difficult for me and just need time. Perhaps even no contact but my ex says shes affraid that oneday i'll just never talk to her again.

 

I just wish there was a way for me around this, its become so bad i can't even enjoy new years eve with the friends i want to be with.

[swift44]

you gotta learn to forgicve them, if they really are that sorry and are trully sorry they deserve your forgiveness. God can forgive you for so much, try to follow in his footsteps and forgive those who did wrong to you . go to the get together and forgive them and have fun. good luck

[Archivist]

swift44

 

with all due respect, i understand what you mean, but i dont think you would understand how this feels unless it happens to you. I can forgive them, but it takes time, and i feel that they are just trying to relieve themselves of the guilt, they both admit they are wrong because they understand how this would have affected me. Everyone is responsible for their own actions their realtionship isn't even going well, why? because they dont love each other, but just wanted to have a bit of fun, even knowing that it would hurt me so much.

[swift44]

well i dont understand your pain so i cant make a fully correct judegement , but i hope that you can learn to forgive them good luck and i wish you a happy new year and the best of wishes

[bdub]

The healing process will take time. Its just that simple. Its not really a time for you to be worrying about what the two of them think (they didn't consider your feeings when they started dating) or what your other friends think (if they are really your friends, they will understand). So don't feel like you have to justify your feelings. This is a time for healing yourself. Don't worry about others.

 

It will probably be one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make, but I'd suggest dropping all contact with the two of them. However, in making and sticking with such a difficult decision, you will become stronger, just because you have chosen to help yourself.

 

As for feeling lonely. I'm with you there. You mentioned that you run into them at social gatherings. Maybe you could try to avoid the big gatherings and try to meet with your friends in smaller groups, or one at a time. You will maintain friendships without having to hurt your open emotional wounds.

 

Deciding to stop trying to make contact and to avoid contact while healing was both THE MOST difficult thing I ever had to do, and the most beneficial to my recovery.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Archivist]

Thank you both and happy new year!

 

My new year wasn't as bad as i thought it would be since like you said bdub, i spent it with some other friends in a smaller group without the ex. I understand what you mean about cutting them out but its seriously impossible. If i was to do that, i would create such a difficult situation for myself for them and our mutual firends. They'll also think i'm holding a grudge against them it would just be too akward if i ignore them when i see them. It used to be like that and thats why i decided i'd atleast try talk to them. I think i'm beginning to realise that i will heal from it, it will just take longer since i'll always see them around. Its my birthday celebration tomorrow i'm doing a joint dinner with my friend and ofcourse the ex and her bf will be there. I'll just put on a brave face and deal with it. I'll have many friends around me anyway so i'll not let them ruin my day out.

 

Thanks again the both of you for replying to my rant.

[bdub]

Glad to hear that last night wasn't so bad for you.

 

Your point about making an uncomfortable situation is well taken. I have always tried to keep mutual friends out of conflicts with my ex. But remember that you did not create the uncomfortable situation, they did. I guarantee that your friends aren't thinking you are being unreasonable by not being comfortable hanging with your ex and new bf. In fact, if you were totally cool and your feelings weren't hurt, I'd think they would think you were strange for that. Just let your friends know that your friendship with them is independent of the relationship with your ex and the new guy.

 

From my experiences with this type of situation, somebody will probably get hurt. And I'm willing to bet its going to be you. Keep in mind that creating distance from them physically will create distance from the situation emotionally. That distance can be adjusted according to how you feel. Taking them out of your life doesn't have to be permanent. I had a diffucult time grasping the concept of setting boundaries that helped me through the break up. I felt that once I closed off the friendship with my ex, that it could not be opened up again sometime in the future. But that isn't really true. I sorta think of it like this: If I can close a door, then I can always open it back up later.

 

I hope the new year brings you happiness and peace.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub