Thinking about infidelity....

[kamurj]

If I think about having an affair, but do not act on it, is it any better than actually having an affair?

 

I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman. She does anything I ask, she adores me... but I like her sister's girlfriend. Even if I end our relationship and pursue the other woman, I still wouldn't feel right for taking my ex-girlfriend's sister's girl.

 

So, in a way, I feel like it would not be feasible for me to pursue the other woman at all. But if I harp on the idea, if the idea of infidelity continues to weigh on my mind, is it any better than if I actually act on it???

[kamurj]

You should be ashamed of yourself. What has your girl done to you to deserve what you are thinking of doing to her? Granted people do dumb things, and granted they can't always help how they feel, but you are DELIBERATELY about to deceive and hurt this individual. If you care at all for this woman that you say is so great, you will either straighten up or do her a favor and leave her. Yes, by leaving her you would give her the opportunity to find someone who will treat her right. You know that whatever you do in this situation, she will be hurt. You are trying to rationalize your desires when there is no excuse. The answer here is simple, let this woman go and find someone who will treat her better than you are (at least thinking about) treating her.

 

As for whether or not you pursue this other woman, it doesn't really matter. Anyone you see after her will hurt her if she cared for you. Whatever you do, don't lie to her. She deserves the truth. That's the least you can do the repay her kindness.

 

And lastly, I think you know in your heart whether or not thinking about cheating is bad for your relationship. Take a good, long look at your relationship and you will probably see the rteason why you are feeling these urges.

 

This is all the advice I can offer. I hope you can use at least some of it. Good luck.

On 2002-04-04 21 Anonymous wrote:

If I think about having an affair, but do not act on it, is it any better than actually having an affair?

 

I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman. She does anything I ask, she adores me... but I like her sister's girlfriend. Even if I end our relationship and pursue the other woman, I still wouldn't feel right for taking my ex-girlfriend's sister's girl.

 

So, in a way, I feel like it would not be feasible for me to pursue the other woman at all. But if I harp on the idea, if the idea of infidelity continues to weigh on my mind, is it any better than if I actually act on it???

[kamurj]

8) It's perfectly normal to want what you can not have. Chances are if there is no chemistry between you and your girlfriend's sister's friend there won't be. And unless she doesn't care about her friendship with your girlfriend's sister or your girlfriend there will never be. If you have a woman that does as you said 'everything you want' don't screw up a good thing... godspeed, everyone.

[AnthonyinBloomington]

Dude, think of how many guys would love to be you! Your girlfriend adores you and does anything you ask. (Well if she does absolutely anything for you, that indicates she may be a tad shy with her sense of self. A relationship of equals is ideal. But still, there's always something to work on in a relationship and how comforting that you can work on things together. There must be a lot of goodness and comfort and support with you and her.)

And I ask you to consider that our culture teaches us to never be quite happy or content, no matter how good things are. So it's probably that part of your mind talking to you. Hypothetically, if you could wave a magic wand and have this sister's girlfriend in your life and bed instead of your girlfriend, you would be pleased like a kid in a toy store and that would last for 6 months max. Then you would miss your girlfriend and depression would sink in. And you can't have it both ways. When you go to a restaurant, you can only pick one dinner from the menu. Everything else is stuff you don't get. Which ONE do you want?

I totally disagree with the guest who suggested you leave your girlfriend. That would hurt her deeply. You just need to straighten out your priorities and realize YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING. And what's so attractive about this sister's girlfriend? Is she pretty? Intelligent? Do you actually KNOW HER? What is her personality is like? What problems would crop up in a relationship? A relationship is about a lot more than hormones you know.

There's a country song entitled Then What? Have you heard it?

 

Then What

(Randy Sharp/Jon Vezner)

 

Well I got a good friend who's got a good life

He's got two pretty children and a real nice wife

But he never seems quite satisfied

I said I know what's on your mind

But you better think about it before you cross that line

The grass aint always greener on the other side

 

Then what, what you gonna do

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it aint really love and it aint really lust

You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust

Then what, where you gonna turn

When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what

 

Well I aint saying that looking's a crime

Well I've done my share from time to time

It dont mean that you gotta take that leap

When you're standin' on the brink

Before you jump you gotta step back and think

There's price for ever promise you dont keep

 

And you could do something new with your girlfriend to give a fresh touch to your relationship. For example, stay a weekend at a nice bed and breakfast that you've never been to before. Sit in the hot tub and sip some French wine and tell her you love her and appreciate how caring she is. And ask what SHE is interested in, ask how SHE feels about the relationship, what's good, is there anything she feels uncomfortable about (Don't ask her that in the hot tub, save the romantic stuff for the hot tub.) and what she especially likes about your relationship.

A few suggestions for you. I wish you and your girlfriend happiness.