She wants me to move

[lonelyinthecity]

I have been dating a woman for about a year and a half now. She has been going through a divorce of her second marriage for that time. We live a considerable distance apart, so one of us has to move if we want to continue this relationship into marriage. Due to her children and some custody issues, she is unable to move. So, it is up to me.

My problem is that she seems to want me to hurry up and move, while she is in no hurry to finalize her divorce. When we discussed that I would move, I had two conditions. I would not move before she finalized her divorce and she would no longer work with her soon to be ex-husband. They own a business together, but due to some legal papers she signed at the start of this business the company would revert to the primary share holders, which are his parents. I know that they have discussed her working as an employee there, but it is a horrible idea. They just don't get along. Plus, she has told me that he treats his employees terribly. I don't see it improving because it is her. In fact, it will probably be worse. He is very controlling and I do not want to give him any more of a controlling interest in our lives together than he already has with their child. She flip-flops on thinking of trying to fight for the business, so she refuses to finalize her divorce. In fact, her situation has barely changed since I met her. They still reside in the same residence, work together, etc. They have been separated for awhile, but have never wanted to get into the nitty gritty of dividing property and debt.

I know she does not want to be with this man any longer, but still refuses to get a divorce. This would all seem reasonable as I do not want her to rush through anything, except for the fact that she wants me to hurry up and move. When she confronts me on my progress on moving, I always ask her about her divorce progress. I know she gets the point. She recently told me that she would be stupid to finalize a divorce and walk away from a business in the hopes that I will move to be with her. I feel it is equally stupid for me to leave my job and life behind to move in with a woman that refuses to make any changes towards the progress of her divorce.

I feel she tries to make me shoulder the burden of this situation, when in reality it does not rest all with me. I often feel that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Am I wrong for my feelings? Any advice would be great!

[redtan]

She's divorce, dating you, yet she still lives and works with this man? Sounds fishy to me. And now she wants you to move while she sits on her butt and does nothing. If it was me, I wouldn't be ok with them living together, no matter what the situation is...especially if I was to come live closer to her.

 

I would just tell her frankly to get up off her ass (obviously put it in a nicer way) and get this stuff over with, especially the living situation. Why should you go thru all the trouble of relocating and finding a new job to accommodate her needs when she won't do the same for you?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

She needs to finish her divorce before you even consider this. No matter what she says, she is a married woman until divorced, and if she is living with him in the house and refusing to finish the divorce, then the simple answer is she doesn't want to get divorced.

 

What is the advantage to you to get in the middle of that mess before it's done? None!! Plus at any given point in time she could change her mind, and divorces can drag on for years!

 

So tell her you'll be happy to move if and when she moves out of the house and finalizes the divorce. If she's not serious about that, then you shouldn't be serious about her, and in fact should be dating other women where you are.

 

I'd also suggest you don't move straight in with her. LDRs are quite different than day to day relationships, and you might discover she is not what you hoped she would be. Move into your own apartment, and move in together once you are sure the local relationship works out as well as the LDR.

[HeartGoesOn]

She is still legally married. I wouldn't even consider being near her, never mind moving to her area, until she's been divorced, and on her own for at least 6 months.

[lonelyinthecity]

Thanks. Bestrong, this is exactly my line of thinking. I don't feel I should leave my life behind while she gets to keep hers. She continually implies that I am not committed to the relationship because I won't move, but in all honesty, why should I be committed to a married woman who refuses to change her situation. If she was serious about getting a divorce, she would be divorced or at least further along in the process. Instead, she basically leads her old married life, minus the sex.

 

She tells me about the complications surrounding the business and their house keep things from moving faster. I have always said that is a load of bull, as people get divorced all the time and own property together. Basically, I feel that she doesn't want to deal with certain issues surrounding her divorce. She wants to be with me, while keeping her old life.

 

I have to tell her that my needs must be met or I can't continue the relationship. You are right. If she is serious, something would be done.

 

HeartGoesOn, this is probably what will end up happening. You know, I know it must sound like I am an awful human being. I am sure it is easy to condem me. I am a person that never saw himself in this kind of situation. I am not saying I am right in everything I do, I am simply saying I am human and have the failing of human emotions. The truth is, this situation has been going on for awhile. So, thought she is legally married, there hasn't been a relationship with her husband since well before I met her.

 

Anyone else? I would love to hear your views.

[DN]

I agree with the others. She is being ridiculous expecting you to entirely uproot your life before she will leave her marriage and comfort zone.

 

I would tell her that not only are you not going to move but that you are not even going to consider yourself in a relationship with her until she ends her current one. Say that if and when she is free and wants to see if a relationship with you is a possibility to give you a call and if you are still interested and available you will talk to her then - but not until then.

[lonelyinthecity]

Thanks, DN. I have a feeling that she is going to tell me she needs to end this relationship. The last time she did this I simply told her ok. I then told her that it wasn't about me not moving, but that it was about her not being willing to go through all of it. I am prepared to tell her the same thing.

 

You are all great! Please, anyone wanting to add continue!

[HeartGoesOn]

LonelyInTheCity...I wasn't trying to judge you in any way, and I'm sure that you're a nice person. We all make bad decisions in life, and I've made many.

 

As far as saying she's in a love less marriage, that's something you really don't know. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

 

She could also be making excuses for not getting a divorce, and she could be just using you as a side dish.

 

If she's really serious about having you in her life, she'll get her life situated first, before even asking you to move to her area. Hopefully you'll see this for what it is, and make the right decision.

 

I wish you the best...Take care

[DN]

Thanks, DN. I have a feeling that she is going to tell me she needs to end this relationship. The last time she did this I simply told her ok. I then told her that it wasn't about me not moving, but that it was about her not being willing to go through all of it. I am prepared to tell her the same thing.

What did she say when you told her that the last time?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I wouldn't move until it was certain that she was out of her current marriage. Your location does not hamper the progress of the relationship, but she is still married, that is far more serious of an issue. Her situation is not conducive to bring a new man into her life, she has yet to ended her last relationship. It would be very prudent for you to make it clear that she needs to show that she is truly committed to you and finalizing the divorce. It looks like her business ties are more important than your relationship, if she was serious about being with you, she would make the effort to consult a lawyer and get the problems cleared up. Don't make any plans to move until she has divorce papers signed.

[lonelyinthecity]

Thanks, HeartGoesOn. I admit. I feel like a side dish at times. She tells me how special our relationship is and I believe it, but I wonder if I am just a temporary solution.

 

DN, she gets quiet and accepts it. I think when I speak perfect logic to her, she doesn't really have a way to retaliate. Otherwise, I am sure she would shift it to me. Basically, after I told her how it was, she called me a little while later and told me she knew she was making a mistake and that I should come see her. I went back and forth on the decision to visit, but ended up going.

 

Carnelian Butterfly, I really don't think I could be comfortable moving unless she was divorced. Really, I just was hoping others agreed with me. Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy!

[lonelyinthecity]

I should add that I am in a specialized field of work. It is not going to be easy for me to get a decent paying job in her area. I told her of this fact and I know it weighs on her. I don't see how it would be a good decision to uproot to go work at McDonald's when i will have to assist with supporting 4 kids.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

One other comment. You can't ever be sure she still isn't having sex with him, or that he even knows she's contemplating divorce, unless you have talked to him personally and heard him say it himself.

 

I know of one man i worked with who played the 'i'm separated' game with a whole string of women. he even had a 'main' mistress for 4 years who honestly believed he was separated and that he just went home at night to be there for his young kids. He'd told his mistress that his ex was a harpy and best not to get too involved or it would make the divorce worse... except the divorce just kept getting stalled, and stalled (in fact was never even underway).

 

The mistress had no clue that she was a mistress or that his wife didn't think they were separated, until she got filmed by a private detective and subpoenaed in the divorce trial as the paramour. They'd even had a child of their own together while unmarried. The 'paramour' had no clue the wife still thought they were married, until one of his young kids told her mother that one of daddy's 'good friends' had a newborn baby which she saw when she and daddy went to visit on a Saturday afternoon. The wife put 2 and 2 together and hired a private detective.

 

So many people will tell all kinds of lies in order to live a double life. Unless you been to her house and sat down and had dinner with her husband, i'd take her story with a grain of salt. It sounds more like she is still with her husband, and will only leave him if she knows she's got you sewed up and in the bag. She either needs the extra income you bring to leave him, or she's someone who doesn't like to be alone without a man for even a minute.

[watergirl]

Do you really want a woman with all that drama and baggage? Don't you think you deserve better than that? Even if her divorce does become final soon, you're only going to be a "side dish" for now and "rebound guy" after that. I'd move on and spare yourself a lot of anguish and possibly losing a place to live if it doesn't work. Make HER make some sacrifices too; otherwise you'll end up resenting her and she'll end up with lower, little, or no respect for you.

[Maya_A]

lonelyinthecity,

 

Another "vote" added, with all others. In order for you to move and make this sacrifice, "risk", & large change, she needs to do the same. No move unless she is able to keep up her end of the bargain as well.

 

Perhaps it is a monetary issue she has trouble letting go of (?) as you mention she has said that it wouldn't be smart for her to walk away from a business in hopes that you would move to be with her.

 

From what you wrote, it sounds as though she might be in the process of weighing what she feels might be the longevity & "success" of your relationship against any life value the business & marriage contract (i.e. being the legal spouse on paper) affords her.

 

My vote would be to stand firm in your decision and in your own mind, begin to form a time line where a decision needs to be made either way. I don't mean a short, sudden one but a reasonable one given the circumstances. For instance, you might find it unreasonable to continue the long distance relationship with her staying married to and working with her husband going on for another two years, one year, etc... A time line to make a decision of 9 months, 6 months.. whatever you feel might be appropriate. Then, you can relay this to her as it really needs to get sorted or it could go on like this forever...

 

Wishing you well..

[lonelyinthecity]

Her husband filed for divorce. I have also heard and seen conversations they have had surrounding the divorce. He knows about me as she has come to visit me and I her many times. A plane ride is quickest with these visits and he knows all about it. He has spoken of me by name. I am sure he knows what is happening. I honestly don't know what to think of the situation if he allows her to see me while sharing a bed with her. Especially, when considering the conversations I have witnessed, etc. In other words, the context doesn't seem to imply they are swingers. I do think that she is afraid of being alone. So, I can see it being a little bit of needing to have me "in the bag" and also "needing a man". I do feel that she can go crawling back to him at anytime, though. She says that wouldn't happen, but I am not so sure. I definitely don't understand some of the decisions she has made so far.

 

watergirl, I really hate to feel that way. The things she says to me, as well as, the money and time she has poured into this relationship would seem to validate her feelings for me. Either that, or I am one hell of a lover! lol

 

I agree, maya. It is really in my best interest to stick to my guns. I appreciate your help.

[SoMuchLove]

She has to get the divorce before any move is made. If you commit 100% to moving, she has to hold up her end of the deal.