Update

[lonely83]

Ok further to a previous post regarding out platonic friendship, I saw her over the weekend and here is a list of all the things that happened/we talked about that I question to be part of a platonic relationship;

 

-tell me she cries about me.

-ask to stay at my house, (although she then said it was probably best not to because her bf wouldn't trust her)/

-on multiple occasions complain at the 'lack of effort' on my part to maintain friendship and she said it was really upsetting that we couldn't see each other and talk everyday like we used to.

-say that if I did ring and she was with him at the time she'd still answer and would rather talk to me!

-flirt heavily, touch, eye contact, initiate cuddles, dance together.

-admit she is always thinking about me, that she compares her current bf to me and our relationship, (then saying that he doesn't even compare)

-heavily reminisce about our relationship together, about the things we did together and memories etc

-tell me she still loves me, but couldn't be with me due to distance, (she doesn't believe in distance in a relationship).

-say that if we lived closer together then things would be very different indeed, and say that she wouldn't be with the other guy.

-maintain that she still think we'd get married and wants to marry me, as well as maintaining it was 'us' and would always be us and was meant to be 'us'.

-ask me to walk her home, then invite me in and lay in bed together, admit to wanting me to stay and to having wanted to kiss me.

-say that she wasn't going to tell her bf anything about seeing me/me walking her home and that if he did say anything say she'd pick our friendship over him

 

lonely83

[Jonboy582]

Ok I don't know what post came before this on the topic or why you are not with her any more (I assume one of you moved away). But this is most definitely not healthy for you and even less so for her.

 

She seems to be living a lie with this other guy, have you thought about how this would make him feel?

 

So the conclusion is she likes you more than him but the only reason she Isn't with you is because of the distance? Do you like her back in more than a platonic friend kind of way as its obvious she does?

 

Sorry if these things have been answered in other friends.

 

Jon

[lonely83]

Jonboy582;

 

The previous post/thread just outlined things that had happened in recent months between us that I found strange for a platonic relationship.

 

No, we've actually been broken up 8 months now, had 2 months of close friendship and spending alot of time together then 2-3 months of NC and then 2 months of hooking up/'seeing' each other/going for dates etc and then now, she's been with another guy for about 3 weeks. Yet all the things I listed above and in the previous post have happened while she's been with him. You are correct in the past month she moved home for the summer and to do a placement from uni, it's only an hour or so away.

 

I don't really know how to take what she said and what it means in terms of her relationship with him. I mean a lot of what she was saying was when we'd been out for a few drinks so it might just be the drink. As for him, it's not really my place to tell him or anything that's up to her as to what to do about him. And if he doesn't know then he doesn't really know so he can't decide what to do - not sure that makes sense. All I can say is that I know that if the roles were reversed and I knew all this I wouldn't be impressed at all.

 

Um yeah your conclusion would appear to be correct, (well at least to me, although as I said I'm skeptical about how much she actually meant everything). Until she said all this I thought I was over her and happy at just friends, but now all this has made me question that.

 

lonely83

[Jonboy582]

Ok this is a very tricky situation, but on the off chance getting back together was on the cards. How long is she doing this placement for? Will she be back closer to you when she has finished?

 

In my opinion the only time things ever work out a second time between people is when they have not gone looking for it and it just happened. This seems to be the case with you so maybe you will get lucky.

 

As for the breakup, what were the reasons behind it?

 

Sorry for all the questions just trying to understand the full picture. And as for the drinking, as long as its not a huge amount of alcohol they say it just takes away your inhibitions. Maybe she is just saying what she is scared to say when completely sober?

 

Jon

[lonely83]

Jonboy582;

 

Her placement is a year, and there's only an hour's drive or so between us so, to me distance isn't that much of an issue, I'm mean it complicates things a little but it's not like we are in different countries like some of our friends have been, due to the army etc. Also I'm coming towards the end of my own degree and will be looking for a job so there is no reason why I couldn't look for a job nearer to where she is doing her placement, it's a big city and has lots to offer employment wise.

 

We broke up after a year and a half together, she was scared of commitment etc. At the time I'd just started a post grad at uni and lent on her a lot for support as I didn't have many friends etc and she got a bit freaked out, I chose to do my post grad where I did as if I moved home I knew it was the end of us. (At the time she didn't know about this, but we talked about it over the weekend and she was a. annoyed I hadn't told her, b. felt that if I had it would have changed everything and c. she was annoyed at herself for not offering me more support and understanding).

 

I know what you are saying about having been drunk etc and taking away inhibitions. It's also not the first time she has said this sort of stuff when she has been drunk either. Before she got her placement, (this must have been about 6-7 weeks ago now), she was saying she wanted to do her placement near me and be with me etc.

 

lonely83

[Jonboy582]

Well if this is all the case what is holding you back maybe trying things again?

 

One thing you should definitely do though is finish the course you are on before you commit to anything as relationships I have always found get in the way of work. Concentrate on doing what you are doing then if you still feel you want more and so does she I would say go for it !

[lonely83]

Jonboy582;

 

I would be all for trying again, and assuming everything she said on friday/saturday is the true then I truly don't understand why we can't. But at the end of the day she is still going out with this other guy.

 

Beyond that you'd have to ask her what is holding her back from trying again. The distance I don't view as an issue at all, I mean it's not ideal but it's about an hour on the train or just over an hour drive.

 

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

Update

 

Ok well we finally spoke about what happened on friday and everything we talked about and that she was saying. I explained to her my concern about talking about it with her as while I felt we need to get it cleared up I knew it could potentially ruin on our friendship.

 

I was very careful to make it clear, (although it might not be the case), that I wasn't hung up on her anymore but I didn't feel it fair on me or the other guy for her to be saying everything she was saying. Unsurprisingly she blamed it on being drunk, and basically accused me of twisting/manipulating what ever she said and making it all up and well lying about what she said.

 

The fact that she's accused me of this has really got to me, I mean, I know she's with this other guy, what good is it going to do me making it all up? As I said to her on the phone, I've not spoken to a single one of my friends about it for fear of it getting back to her and for the reason that I didn't want her to think I was trying to split them up. At the end of the conversation she promised she'd ring me in a couple of days? What the hell would she do that for?

 

I just want to send her a massive email listing everything that she said that night. And saying that if she doesn't believe me then she obviously doesn't know me and that she obviously isn't the person that I thought she was.

 

Sorry I just needed to have a bit of a rant and a rave.

 

lonely83

[Jonboy582]

Oh, that didnt go quite the way I hoped it would for you :S sorry.

 

Maybe she knows in her head she feels a certain way and needs to understand her feelings. Maybe she does not want anything to do with you more than a friend and figuring out how to tell you. The list goes on, you seem very cool about things so im sure you know what comes next.

 

You carry on with what ever it is you do, and wait for her to contact you.

 

Jon

[lonely83]

Jonboy582;

 

Didn't quite go the way I imagine or had hoped either if I am honest, but I guess I had kinda prepared myself for it by always saying it meant nothing as she was drunk and at the end of the day she was still with this other guy.

 

I don't know what to think now - I can't help think that ok she might not want to admit it to herself, (and hopefully me having told her everything will make her realise it), but at the end of the day do people really just say things because they are drunk and only because they are drunk or is it because they are drunk that they say what they truly mean/feel? (hope that makes sense).

 

As I said right now I just want to send her a massive email listing everything that she said that night. And saying that if she doesn't believe me then she obviously doesn't know me and that she obviously isn't the person that I thought she was. - Don't worry I'm not going to just how infuriated she's made me by accusing me of lying etc.

 

lonely83