Trying to carry on

[daydream52]

I go to a boarding school, and I'm going to be a senior in the fall. This year was my first year, and I absolutely loved it. But there's one thing that I'm really sad about.

 

My favorite dorm parent moved out of the dorm, and she is being replaced by someone new. She and I are really close. I've told her almost everything about my life, and she has supported me through so much. Our best conversations always happened in the dorm, and she was someone that I could cry to, laugh with, or just have a fun, general conversation with. She was almost like an aunt to me this year, and probably knows me better than any other teacher at that school. She'll still be at my school, but she won't be living on campus, and I don't know what I'm going to do without her guidance.

 

I keep trying to tell myself all these crazy things, like "this is a sign saying that I don't need guidance anymore, that I'm ready to be on my own." But every time I try, I always fall back. At the end of the year, I always cried when she was on duty in my dorm because I know it won't be like that when I go back in the fall. I was sick one night when she was on duty, and I told myself "I don't need her anymore. I can take care of myself." But then I caved in and called her at one in the morning to give me meds because I felt so sick. I still needed her to take care of me. At the very end of the year, she started only living there on nights when she was on duty, and the dorm felt so empty.

 

When I first found out that she was moving out, I didn't stop crying. To this day I still cry about it sometimes. And I shouldn't be feeling this upset because I know she'll be at the school, and I know that living off campus will be a better fit for her and her family. I shouldn't be crying over this, it's ridiculous. I'm a senior in high school for crying outloud, not in the sixth grade! I'm going to be a proctor in my dorm next year (kind of like an RA), I should be a leader. I should be strong and stable, not this upset.

 

I'm trying to be on my own, trying to carry on, and I always fail. I'm going away tomorrow and I tried to pack on my own, and I couldn't do it. I had to have my parents help me. I can't keep relying on people, but I have to. It's like I can't take care of anything on my own. And then when I try to be on my own, I either fail or feel sad.

 

And other people don't seem to understand. There just like "you'll get by, it's no big deal." Yeah, I'll get by, but am I gonna be happy?

 

All my other dorm parents will still be there, and I do have one other dorm parent besides the one that moved out that I'm really close to as well. I love her, and it's comforting knowing that she'll still be in the dorm, but it's not quite the same.

 

I don't know what to do. )-: Any advice?

[sophie274]

I went to boarding school too, and had a dorm "parent" (she is only about 8/9 years older than me) I was very close to! (I went for two years only as well, was also a proctor ... kind of wondering what boarding school you go to but I won't ask!) She lived in the dorm my junior year and then in a house slightly off campus my senior year. I missed being able to visit her at night/randomly in the dorm, but we still managed to see each other often, and I recently had the pleasure of attending her wedding! So don't worry, you will manage to keep in touch.

 

To be honest you do sound overly reliant and her, and overly distraught at her leaving. I don't think you should just "man up" - re-reading what you wrote it sounds like it goes deeper than that. Do you have a tendency to get very attached to people? Do you often feel lonely? Do you have someone you can talk to in-depth about your feelings about this (other than your parents)?

[daydream52]

hey, sorry it took me so long to get back.

 

I'm not as upset about it anymore as I used to be. I spent a month in Italy on my own this summer, and through that experience I feel that I was able to learn how to live a little more independently. Now that I am gonna be a proctor, it is time for me to use what she taught me to help others. I go back in less than a week, and the first week will feel a little weird, but I'll get used to it quickly. I'm not sad anymore, I'm ready to be independent. But thanks for your help!