Say he loves me but is curious as to what else is out there.

[Taylor527]

So as from previous posts you can see that my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a little over a month ago. Since then we have stayed pretty good friends, chatting almost everyday, and hanging out quite a bit.

 

He tells me he still loves, care, and misses me. He wants to get back together but being that this is his first "real" relationship he is curious as to how other relationships are. He told me that he knew the next step was marriage for us (we were already living together) and he was scared because he wasn't sure if he could spend the rest of his life with me knowing that he never experienced anything else, he said once he gets married he wants to stay married because he doesn't want to be the kind of father that his dad was and left the family when the kids were very young. He said now that he is single he can't seem to go out with anyone else and every girl he meets doesn't even compare to me... but he still doesn't feel he is ready to jump back into our relationship fulling know he isn't ready.

 

What can I do to make him see what we have is amazing and that he shouldn't be out there trying to find something else... We were so great together, we really got along very well, and lived in harmony.

 

Advise please... suggestions as to what I can say to him, etc.

 

 

Theres lyrics to a song by 3 door downs. It goes "There might me more out there then me and you" I want him to realize that I think everyone has their doubts, everyone wonders if there is someone better out there for you... but why go look for it when you have something amazing right in front of you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The best way to have him see what you mean to him is to cut him out entirely. Deprive him of your presense, and certainly quit waiting around while he runs around porking miscellaneous women until he gets his fill of it.

 

Tell him the only way for him to REALLY know if he misses you is to miss you. And that you intend to not speak to him again until he decides he wants to get back together. And that if he's going to date other people, so are you. And that perhaps maybe he's right, maybe you need to sleep with a bunch of guys too to decide whether what you have is special or not.

 

Then cut him off, don't talk to him, don't see him unless he calls to say he's ready for a relationship. If that doesn't snap him out of it, nothing will.

 

Meanwhile, date other guys and consider it over.

 

Lots of guys sneak out of relationships this way, and want the old girlfriend as a security blanket on tap whenever they're in the mood for some comfort and reassurance that she's there in case he doesn't find anyone else he likes better.

 

You don't want to be his blankie, you want to be his one true love. If he's not true to you, then he just isn't your one true love.

[Thorns]

Ok, been on both sides of the "what else is out there" deal, its the stupid same thing either way, and not worth what you have.

 

Also, you're giving him exactly what he wants for FREE. If he really does care about you like that, then he should come back to your relationship. Him taking advantage of your emotional support and friendship so he has something to fall back on when he gets dumped will be hurting YOU. The other option is that he finds some girl and leaves you in the dust, or worse he parades around with her in front of you.

The last possibility is what we're trying to achieve, winning him back. Tell him that this is stupid and he's just got the 'grass is greener' syndrome.

 

Ask what he expects of you, are you just supposed to wait for him quietly whilst he fools around with lots of other women? What about what you feel? What about you finding some other guy that will appreciate you, and not want to go for other girls when he tires of you.

Hell, you don't have to get married now, or soon, or ever if the two of you were together again. Even if he leaves and you never get him back again, you're the one carrying your heart, and you have to live with what happens to it. Think about yourself and perhaps ask him about what he expects you to do, and if imprisoning yourself for him while he is free is ok with you then so be it.

 

EDIT: BeStrongBeHappy has it down. Great post btw.

[Taylor527]

I can't just totally block him out of my life. We have many mutual friends and he is actually temporarily living with my best friend and her boyfriend.

 

I just wish I could tell him something that will show him that what he is looking for he most likely won't find and that everyone has their doubts but it doesn't mean you have to act on them...

[havefaith]

I just want to tell you I have been in your shoes, totally on your side of things. After 6 months or more of this crap, it finally broke me down. Your feelings will change if he keeps it up. Now my guy is back and beatind down my door, apologizing left and right for doubting it, but you know what, sometimes it's just too late.

 

Get out there and see what there is out there. If it's one thing I've learned over the past year, it's NEVER SETTLE for anything less than the best treatment. If a man isn't in it 100%, he's just not in it. Trust me on that... there is someone out there waiting to love you the way you should be loved. Honestly.

[Thorns]

Of course you can still be friends with your friends and maybe even him. But FRIENDS not someone he can go back to whenever he wants.

When you go to a car dealership, you swap out your old car for another one. You don't keep your old car but drive the new one all the time.

 

This isn't fair to YOU. Tell him that. If he wants to leave, then he leaves. If he wants to stay, he stays. But he does NOT get to have both.

[Samedy]

You could say to him what he has been saying to you, see how he likes having the shoe on the other foot. Explain to him that you understand what he is saying, and that you will move on and date other men, and that there are no guarantees that you will be there for him when he comes back..

 

That could give him some perspective.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Understand that as long as you are in his life on some level, he isn't going to feel any pressure to make a decision to be with you or not. He knows that you are patiently waiting for him, and he can take as long as he needs and he can be assured that you will be available if and when he is ready.

 

By distancing yourself and making yourself less available to him, you are forcing him to feel the consequence of his choice not to be with you- meaning he does not get to enjoy your companionship on any level, and he does not have the security that you will be ready and willing to take him back should he decide that is what he wants.

 

By taking the power away from him you allow him to realize what life is really like without you- and are more likely to get a final answer from him, be it over for good or he wants to try again.

[Zepp]

Sounds like he has cold feet and doesn't exactly know how to handle it.

What he's doing is NOT the right way to go about it.

[D_Lish]

If hes feeling he needs to test the waters elsewhere, I'd let him go....

Anyone who is serious about you, wouldnt be curious about what it would be like to have relationships with others.....he would be concentrating on the relationship he has with you!

[Taylor527]

Why is it always "Leave, move on, let it go" Why don't people try to work on relationships anymore?

[Girl79]

i guess the problem here isn't that there is a problem with YOUR relationship, rather, that he hasn't experienced anything else and wants to see what else is out there. in my opinion, maybe all it will take are a few bad blind dates, and he might be back with you. or he might meet someone else. if someone doesn't think they are ready, they might not go for it.

I fully agree with this. Also, I think you need to let him go date around and not see or talk to him, otherwise he knows you are waiting in the wings for him. He can't have both, it's not fair to you at all. Let him come to you when he's ready to get back with you, and then you can decide whether or not you even WANT to get back with him, but in the meantime don't wait around either. Take the opportunity to do things you couldn't do when you were with him.

I think he will go date around a bit, and find out that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side, and he will come back to you. He may need to let you go, to realize what he had in the first place.

[Kalika]

Taylor -

He is not working at it. HE'S TRYING TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE.

 

Some relationships are worth working on. This one is too, but only when BOTH of you are 100%, no, 3000000 % committed to making it work. And clearly, he's not.

 

If you are trying alone, you alone will be wasting your time.

 

I think BeStrong's first post was right on. Don't be his cushion because you WILL regret it.

[JadedStar]

I can't just totally block him out of my life. We have many mutual friends and he is actually temporarily living with my best friend and her boyfriend.

 

I just wish I could tell him something that will show him that what he is looking for he most likely won't find and that everyone has their doubts but it doesn't mean you have to act on them...

 

YOu CAN totally block him out of your life if you want to, and i strongly advocate it. For so long as you are around even a little bit he won't realize what he has missed.

[JadedStar]

Why is it always "Leave, move on, let it go" Why don't people try to work on relationships anymore?

 

We don't want you to be the doormat you are being...that is why you are getting the responses that you are.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>Why is it always "Leave, move on, let it go" Why don't people try to work on relationships anymore?

 

To be working on the relationship, they have to stay in the relationship, and both people have to decide that working on the relationship is what they want to do.

 

But he has chosen to leave the relationship, and work on *new* relationships, not yours. This is your problem.

 

If he was still around and you had conflicts you could ask for advice on how to work on the conflicts. But his decision to leave means he doesn't want to work on it. Both have to be present in the relationshipo, and working on it. That is why you are being told to move on, because he has moved on himself. You are just trying to dance with your shadow here, because he's left the room.

 

If you get back together, then we might have other advice for any conflicts you need to resolve between you.

[Taylor527]

So he called me last night.. told me he spoke to his mom about moving back up to Georgia (that's where he lived before we move into together) He said that he would start college up there, live with his mom, transfer his Outback Steakhouse job..etc. He said that the only reason he moved down here to Florida was for me... he has a job here (Outback) that he likes and some friends but nothing really keeping him here anymore... but then he stopped and said... "But I don't know if I want to leave you.... I still don't know what I want and I'm scared if I leave then I will never see you again."

 

How am I suppose to take that?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Based on what has happened in the past, it sounds like he just doesn't want to get serious with anyone at his age. He wants to go to college etc.

 

He obviously has feelings for you, but lots of teenaged relationships break up this way when one or both wants to go to college and live the single life. They are nostalgic and miss the fun times they had with the person, but also know they want to move on, so are torn.

 

Ask him if he really feels that way, how would be feel if you moved back with him? If he starts backpedaling and saying he doesn't want a relationship again, you know it was just a nostalgic moment and what he really wants to go is start college a free man.

[Taylor527]

He was just talking to me and said " I just don't know what I want to do... I could move in with (insert his friends name here) or maybe we can try living together again... or go back to Georgia." I just was in shock, he actually said that moving back in with me was an option? I hate confused people. He asked me out on a date tomorrow night, dinner and a movie, so I said I'd go.. I guess we'll talk more than..