Complicated

[Lindsey6826]

4 yrs ago, I started a new job and made friends with this guy Joe that I was hired with. I thought he was really cool and nice. I only thought of him as a friend even though I knew he liked me as more than a friend, from our coworkers telling me. About a year into our friendship, I started to think of him as more than a friend also. I told him how I felt and we started talking on the phone all the time and hanging out. 2 weeks later, we had slept together. After a while, I really started having feelings for him. He always made it clear that he didn't want anything serious, but when he did, he would consider something with me. I kept thinking that I would stick around, we would eventually be together, which I know is stupid. He never really took me anywhere-we would just hang out at his place or mine. And when he went out with his friends, he wouldn't include me. He also would never let me see his cell phone, but always look thru mine. We also argued alot, mainly because I didn't like how things were going. I didn't want a FWB type of relationship and he knew that. He led me on and always put off talk of a relationship. I never even met his family. Well, just this past January, he bought a house and didnt tell me. When I found out, he told me he was still living at home and renting the house out. That was a lie, he really lived there the whole time. Then I found out he was living with his ex gf, they had gotten back together and never told me. Thats obviously why he never wanted me to know about the house, because I would want to come over. Then just over Memorial Day weekend he ended up getting one of his friends thats a girl pregnant (not his gf). He told me in person after he slept w me. I was so angry he slept w me and then told me hes having a baby with someone.He said he was happy and he's going to stay with her and try to make it work andthat he's glad im not pregnant and other things meant to hurt my feelings. He also lies about little things, like going on vacation when I saw him around here. I know he has many bad qualities-lying, selfish, self centered, and he cheats. He aslo told me the past 3 yrs were just sex to him. Could that be true? I dont understand how you could be friends with someone for a yr and intimate for 3 years and not have any feelings for them at all. And how can he be so happy with this pregnant girl and so supportive? I doubt he would be if it were me. I also have had an eating disorder and because of everything thats happened, it is worse than ever. I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I so hung up on this guy? I just want to feel better and get over him and stop purging and starving. I guess its a way for me to cope with everything and it doesn't help that we work together. I know he tells everyone that Im crazy and obsessed with him. I still call him and I don't know why, esp when he says he wants me to leave him alone. Its also difficult to have tto work at the same place even though our schedules are different. I guess I just need advice. Thankyou.

[MsMookie]

He sounds really ambivalent...someone who likes to have power of women. I am sad you got involved with someone like that. Pity the other pregnant girl too! He isn't much of a good role model to his child. Think yourself lucky you have the power to move away from his influence, that poor kid can't choose his/her father.

 

You don't deserve someone like that in your life, no one does.

 

I have been reading a lot of threads here the last few days and I have to wonder...what the hell is going on in the heads of these selfish and cruel ex-partners we all seem to be hurt by? Don't they have any feelings of guilt or regret? Who the hell they think they are? Do they know what they are doing? and why do we want to call them and get them to reciprocate our love and devotion?

[Lindsey6826]

Thanks for the advice annie. You were right. All the signs that he didn't want to be with me were there. I just didn't want to see it because I had alot of feelings for him. The fact that he is with this girl makes me feel inadequate. Thats where my eating disorder comes in. I feel that I need to be thinner, even though Joe wanted me to gain weight. I told him that his behavior made the ed worse but he didnt care. He would also make fun of it. When I was hospitalized last year for low potassium, which could've resulted in heart problems, he never visited. That really hurt me. I was recovered for 2 years before I met him I relapsed from the stress of everything. I guess its a coping mechanism. I was seeing a few different therapists, but I didn't think they helped. Maybe I didn't find the right one and maybe I wasn't ready to give up control.

[Lindsey6826]

Thank you for the reply Ms Mookie. You are right. He is definitely controlling and loved the fact that I would've done anything for him. I also feel bad for the girl, since he likes to spend all his money on himself and has said that he can't stand kids. He is very selfish. He will probably cheat on this girl too. I know it is very important for me to have NC, not only because it will give him more to talk about at work but also to recover from my eating disorder. I'm definitely not healthy. My primary care doctor discharged me as a patient because I wasn't doing what she said. I am definitely not healthy right now, but it's so hard when I am at such a low point to have the strength to get better. Especially since he doesn't seem to care about me at all. I don't even know why I kept contacting him. Maybe it was that I wanted him to chage his mind, or tell me he did care or apologize. I know he never will. He is definitely not that type of person. He is the type that thrives off hurting someone, as weird as it sounds. When I was doing better, it kind of made him mad. I thought that after being friends with him for a year that I knew him pretty well, but I was wrong. I hope one day that someone treats him this way, so he knows how it feels.

[Lindsey6826]

Any why do I want him back? I know it sounds crazy, but I don't know why I feel this way. Why would I want a guy that treats me bad, was never there for me, has a baby on the way with someone he slept with behind my back. Is it just that I want something I can't have or that I haven't met anyone yet (this just happened a month ago). Do you think its a good idea to start dating again or wait? Thankyou.

[MsMookie]

Yeah I agree, NC through and through Lindsey. This person sounds kind of dangerous to your health. You don't want to debase yourself to be on his level, but I can understand you want him back because its nice to have someone there when there is some level of attractiveness/attachment.

 

In my experience of ex-boyfriends, one in particular seemed to like to date people when they were at their weakest. My first partner ended up shacking up with a nice girl, but very big and with bad self esteem. She was trained as a microbiologist but worked in a desk job due to these self esteem issues. My ex's brother saw me down the shops one day and said that all his brothers old girlfriends' were women with problems but soon as they left the influence of his brother, they bloomed.

 

(I have to add this ex-partner in question and his brother do not speak...)

 

I hope you are feeling better and are feeling strong enough to go have some fun again. If your someone who is conscious of their weight, I thoroughly recommend some form of exercise. I don't know what you like, whether its riding your bike around the streets seeing what is going on, jogging or joining a gym. But it will get you lean and increase your seretonin levels.

 

Riding a bike has been a godsend at times for me, and I have really ramped it up the last 6 weeks and lost a good 6kg!

[dreamwarrior]

I do karate and I take my anger and frustrations out on the punching bag. Also, I am glad to say that I put all my focus from my breakup into something positive and received my next level color belt in 6 weeks when it takes six months. Now I am going to ramp up my exercise program starting tomorrow with weight lifting, spin class, and yoga...god exercise is great!

 

Good luck and stay away from that loser...please don't torture yourself with that purging stuff...it can kill you overtime...be good to yourself...and for sure he is not worth your life.

[kuhl282000]

Well it sounds like a great big mess to me. You'll have to find a way to get your own self worth back and stop calling him. This is major stuff not minor stuff you're talking about. This person is not a man of good character to say the least. You feel rejected right now and no one likes that feeling. You're very lucky in a way this all came out in the open for you to see. This guy does not deserve your company, and you don't need to be around people that lie to you. That is what makes things even worst. The bottom line is he used you for his own selfish gain at your expense. And I'm sure it hurts ........get out and make some new friends. I would not speak to him at work if I were you as uncomfortable as that might sound. I might even look into getting a new job. You don't need to be reminded everyday about what happened. Remember its your mental health right now that needs to get back in order. Forget about this guy, you have to remember if he called you tomorrow and said I want you back. The truth is you would always be wondering if he was going to cheat on you again. And trust me on this that is no way to live life. Thats torture ........don't worry about what he thinks, he knows what he did and he has to live with his lies not you. You are the destruction left in the wake of all his lies. Get on with your life and worry about you and take care of #1 first. The guy sounds like a real creep. Don't waste another thought on him, don't let him rent space in your head anymore. Be strong .......and make sure you eat.

 

Kuhl

[Lindsey6826]

Thankyou Kuhl. You are right. I could never ever trust a guy like that. I know it will take time. I have stopped talking to him before, only for a week, but I was feeling better. I didn't have the stress or aggravation. I was doing alot of things with my friends, but then he talked to me at work-it was a big mistake to let him in again. I know he probably expects to hear from me in a few days, but he will see in time when he doesnt hear from me. I just have to start over and really never talk to him again. I really feel like he was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. He really messed me up and I wish I never met him. I never met someone so cold-I didn't know people like this existed. The weird thing is that I never found Joe attractive during our friendship-I guess he just grew on me and alot of people said I could do better.

I also agree with Dream Warrior and Ms mookie about exercising. Before I met Joe, I was very concerned with nutrition and exercise. I ate about 2000 calories a day (alot of protein and vegetabes and eggwites and oatmeal) and worked out for 2 hours a day. I loved working out. I made alot of friends at the gym since I was there all the time. Im 5'4 and I weighed 115 lbs but it was alot of muscle, now I weigh about 100. I know people talk about me at work-that I don't look healthy. I was pretty toned, but now with all the stress Im lucky if I eat 600 and I dont exercise because I dont have the energy since I dont eat. I really want to get back to where I was and now I think I can without him around and I am officially starting my no contact today. I even marked it on my calendar!

[MsMookie]

Keep on posting and tell us how its going. I am doing NC with my ex too. I last spoke to him on Friday. I usually so scared he would fall off the face of the planet if I don't make contact. I have to get over that dumb worry. Next time I bump into him (which is a possibility because he works locally to me) I want to be the one who has made great progress and is going ahead in life.

[Lindsey6826]

You'e right Kuhl. It's hard to get my self-worth back though. For the past 3 yers, he has damaged alot of my self esteem. I kept thinking if I got thinner, he would want me-and back then I only weighed about 125 lbs, now I weigh 100 and I'm 5'4. I know I could never trust him again. I know he will probably cheat on his pregnant girlfriend too. He likes to go out, get drunk and spend lots of money on himself.I had thought about getting another job, but I make a pretty good living where I am at and I don't think that I should have to do that. When I was only friends with Joe, I was never attracted to him-he was kind of chubby and not my type. And everyone said I could do a lot better. I guess he grew on me. And I though that after liking me for a year, that he would've treated me better. Also before I met him, I was very concerned with nutrition and working out. I ate about 2000 calories a day (all heathy things like chicken, turkey, egg whites and vegetables) and I worked out for 2 hours a day. I was very toned. I made alot of friends at they gym since I was there all the time. Now I dont work out and only eat about 600 calories a day and people say I look pale and too skinny. I woud like to get back to where I was and I think with him gone I can.

[Lindsey6826]

Ms Mookie, let me know how your NC is going too. Im only going on day 2 but at least its a start. I know it will get easier as the days go by. It doenst help that I'm an impatient person! I want 3 months to go by now lol! The longest I ever went without talking to him has only been a week and every day I had the urge to call but stopped myself. I actually felt good after a week. I know he probably thinks I will come crawling back, but he is in for a surprise because this time I won't. Im sure he'll get the hint after a couple weeks go by. I also go back to work Thursday (I was on vacation) and I will go out of my way to avoid him-its not that hard since we have different schedules.

[MsMookie]

one week now. When I was driving home today there was a radio show talking about loneliness. Most of it concentrated on how some people had to move around a lot when they were kids. But they had a chat to someone who worked for a chatline that had a frequent caller that was an elderly woman. She was lonely since her partner had passed and she would call once a week and have a little talk about her day and this and that and say good night. I shed a few tears.

The thing when you are lonely you feel like you are not connected to the rest of the world out there. I felt that so strongly when he left. I missed the mundane chats at night before bed about crap at work, celebreties, cars, looking up dumb stuff online...just the mucking around. Being relaxed.

 

I am working hard at making the most of being alone, but moving away from feeling lonely...

[Lindsey6826]

Its day number 5 of NC for me and I dont even have the urge to call him. I got a bookout of the library thats on this website. Its called "Dont Call that Man" and it is definitelyhelping.