an odd situation between friends...

[Dopie_yak]

ok, ive been looking for some advice, or for someone to tell me that im on the right track...

 

first, ill set up the situation..it all started online..on a game i used to play alot..we would talk for hours on end, and call each other frequently.. talked every day, and became the best of friends online..

 

well, things began to fall apart in my life, and i was going through a rough struggle.. having alot of problems with my roomates and with work.. i just wasnt happy at all.. so after about a year of getting to know her, she found me a great job and asked me to move a few states away and come live with her.. just as friends.. i had already begun to develop feelings for her, but they remained unconfessed.. i figure that i can do what ive always done, and hide my true feelings, and just do as planned and use her as a stepping stone to try and piece back together my life..

 

ground rules were set, and one of them was that we could not date... i was fine with this.. until one night, she leaned over and kissed me. need less to say, i was elated..things were great for about a month or so.. we got along great and needless to say, i fell in love with her and her 2 children.

 

although, there were doubts in my mind.. i knew it would not last if we continued to live with together.. and i expressed my concern to her. and after a long talk, we both agreed to call it off, and keep the friendship going until i had the opertunity to get out. and something else came out. the fact that she was talking to someone else online that lives accross the country.. someone that does have his life together and is a good person, as i know him as well..they talk like we used to, and she admited that she did have some feelings for him(sometimes i hate the internet LOL)...

 

well, with the holidays here, there was alot of stress emotionally and financially on both of us.. and she turned into a ball of rage. i couldnt speak to her without her being upset with me. she was feeling that my attempts to grin and bare the attitude she was pushing off on me, to keep the christmas spirit, and to attempt to releave her stress were all attempts to try and rekindle the relationship... this whole time im told "not until i move out do i have a chance".. this i already know.. i worked things out with her as far as the misunderstanding that i was not attempting this, even though i want it, its not what is best right now. and i believe i may have my friend back..

 

im currently fighting with my head and my heart.. i do not know what to do as far as the "other guy".. i know that it will take me a couple more months befor i can be ready to be out of here, due to the fact that im trying my best to releave some of her finiancial stress at the same time as mine.. but my biggest fear is that i will lose her.. she is the only person that has EVER made me feel good about myself, and has ever been this involved with me. it was a short lived romantic relationship, but i hope to continue it in the future.

 

i would just like to hear a few thoughts from others.. am i doingthe right thing? or am i a sucker that needs to move on? i know time heals all wounds.. but cannot change the fact that i care about her as deeply as i do.

[russia]

basically, it could have been something great, but being a boarder in your gal's house ruined it.

 

those ground rules could never really work, if the 2 parties are attracted to each other from the start. the proximity can only create mutual interest

 

now, you are just a financial help to her, since you live with her, you have to pay her some money for rent, etc, which makes you a boarder. you don't win, cos you would pay this money if you stayed elsewhere, you know. so you actually lose, cos while helping her financially, you are getting nowhere with her on a personal level. instead, you have slided down the scale, being now a "client" (yeah, terrible, ain't it?)

 

you'd think that helping around the house, and pay off some of her debt, it's like getting married to her. but if you really want to marry her, you'd have to cough up more money. that's where the other guy looks so much better to her. she's realistic. can't live on air. a man who can take care of her and her kids is very very attractive to her. and if you are in the way, she won't stand a chance with him

 

so too bad, man, just leave her, go back to your home town, or elsewhere, wherever. she's not yours for a multitude of reasons. there'll be other women who'll want you for yourself and not your money. this woman is too realistic for you at this time of your life.

[Dopie_yak]

well, the thing is, that i dont have to pay rent... and only do so because im trying to help her out with some of her finiancial troubles as well.. she hasnt asked me for anything as far as that goes.. and as far as takin care of the kids, i do that quite well... as far as going back to my "hometown" there is no such thing... and where i came from there is nothing there... im in a really tight spot right now... but like i ive read on the site tonight and thought to myself, i need to let it go to see if it will come back... im just praying it will..

[russia]

financial problems are one of the major crisis in any relationship, married or not. since BOTH of you are facing it now, it puts tremendous stress on the party that is more realistic (ie her).

 

not that you're not realistic, cos you seem to know the score, but in the sense that she can't see it working out, while you are still in there trying to make it work

 

and she probably harbours a fantasy (which may become a reality) of a knight in shining armor in the other guy, coming to rescue her and her kids. it's a ticket to financial freedom + love, and its probability is higher than her winning the lottery.

 

until that fantasy is gone, she won't see you. so i guess given your situation now, the best you can hope for is that the other guy will not be committed to her, so that she has to come back to you.

 

so just work hard on your own problems, continue to support her however you can (it's only fair) and take care of her children cos you seem to genuinely like kids anyway. maybe a combination of things will swing it your way. all the best in 2004!

[Dopie_yak]

i really appreciate your insight on the situation...but a couple points id like ot make about the other guy...1)he has 4 boys..2) he has been divorced 3 times already....do you know hom many relationships are successful now days after the 3rd divorce?? less than 10%... i myself have never been married and have no other dependents.. 3) she is a carrer woman, and he is accross the country, the liklyhood of either of them leaving thier job is next to none, but prolly better as you said, than winning the lotto.

 

anyways, sorry im venting a lil bit...but i really do appreciate the insight, and will take it to heart.. time to go have some fun!

Happy New Years and best wishes on all your endevors!!!