Need to break contact, need strength

[nothanks]

It is clear to me that I cannot have contact with my ex for awhile. He managed to spend a couple of days with me this week and I ended up feeling almost as bad and desperate as when he first left me 2 weeks ago.

 

I just don't know how to do it. I have never been good at it, and I think it is especially hard in this case because he is more willing to have contact than some ex boyfriends. He really believes we can be friends, and is friends with other exes. Also, he is broke, and has nowhere to live until he gets more paychecks from his new life, so it is probably tempting to be back over here sometimes, when is lonely. He knows I will accept him and be nice to him.

 

But it tears me up. Today he came over to supposedly work for an hour on one of the many things in the house that he tore up and left during his remodeling efforts. In this case, it's a window in the front of the house- big huge, picture window that he took out to replace, and then ended up leaving like that because he broke up with me suddenly a few days later.

 

I was already feeling low, and having him here, but only for an hour, was just too much for me. I mean, just yesterday he was here and warm and loving and we were pretending to be friends, etc. And then he was off for the night, promising to call me later, but he didn't. And didn't take my calls earlier today, and then showed up unannounced. I can't live with that unreliability, the back and forth, the here and gone.

 

It is clear that I cannot let myself be in contact with him at all right now. If he is not open and warm, I feel bereft, if he is open and warm, I want more.

 

It is a sickness, I feel like. I want to stop, so badly. I want to shake free of my obsessive thinking about him. It makes me sick to feel it, to think about it, to see how it incapacitates me.

 

So I sit alone in this house which he has torn up (kitchen gone, walls gone, window gone, lights gone, can't even really lock the back door), in my life which he has torn up in some ways, and few friends, and a family that I don't feel comfortable with, and I just am at the end of my rope. I don't know how to dig out, but I know I WON'T be able to dig out if he does not leave me alone, and if I do not leave him alone.

 

I don't think he means to hurt me but he hurts me again and again. Because I let him do it.

 

No more. But how? The feeling builds up in me, like I HAVE to talk to him or I will die. I know it is wrong, logically, but the anxiety is too intense it feels like.

[pjl555]

I think everyone has felt what you are going through. Truthfully, it doesn't get easier or better overnight.

 

And even though I don't know you, I can assure you that you are a strong person, and you can live without him.

 

Personally, I don't think that being friends works, because it builds false hope.

 

I don't know what to say that will make this any easier on you, other than you will find that person who is right for you, and he will be the man you want to spend the rest of your life with...and the greatest thing is he'll want to spend the rest of his life with you, too.

 

Keep the hope that someone is out there for you, but you won't find him looking into the past. What I would say to him is something along the lines of that he can't have what he wants all the time, and right now, he's in no place to ask for it. He left you feeling like this...and as much as he won't show it, he'll feel horrible if you say "I'm moving on, I need closure." And then you do! And you can!

 

It's hard, but it's definitely attainable.

 

Good luck, I hope something works out!

[nothanks]

thanks. i know it will pass. right now the pain feels unbearable.

[FountainFairfax]

Good luck.

 

NC is hard and you'll constantly have feelings where you'll want to break it. Add to this the fact that he will probably want to be talking to you, and it just makes things even worse.

 

Not only do you have to worry about resisting your own urges to reach out, but you'll have to deflect his attempts at communicating with you. I don't know, I don't have the problem of having an ex that wants to talk, so I don't know what that's like.

 

Probably being politely dismissive would be your best bet. Don't make it obvious that you're ignoring him, just give the impression that you're busy with life and wish him the best. It's way too soon to even be thinking about being friends with him, it's too torturous and he's selfish to want that right now. Deep down, I think it feeds his ego, too.

 

Wouldn't it be great to be on the other side of one of these predicaments for once? Not that we'd intentionally hurt anyone, of course, but can you imagine not being the one that's left holding the bag emotionally? Must be nice.

 

Dare to dream.

[jenna981]

I know it's not good to keep contact like he wants. My bf tried the same thing. Mines said I was not only his girlfriend, but his best friend and he didn't want to lose me as a friend. I kept in contact for a couple of weeks hoping he'd change his mind.. and of course he didn't. It was creating false hope for me. I'm not sure why they even say to remain friends, they know you are hurt but they might want to keep you around for whatever reasons.

 

What I told mine is I needed time to heal and couldn't keep being friends right now and said maybe after I heal and in the future we could try being friends. I said I don't know how long it will take me to get over things because I really loved him, and when you really love someone you can't just be their friend.

 

Maybe just tell yours you need some time to feel better and you'll get in touch when you feel ready to be friends. You might not ever get in touch..but it's good to keep it open in case you do want to talk and be friends with him later in life.

[nothanks]

Well, there's been more drama and back and forth. But somehow, I've managed to see how terrible this relationship has been for me. I'm broke, my house is torn apart because he started so many projects (kitchen gone, window in front of the house gone, walls gone, electricity messed up). Lots of other bad things...

 

So recently I was "in love." Just days ago. But then something changed, and I realized I had to let go.

 

Yes, I feel sad, still. I even emailed him a tiny email at about 3:30 this morning, feeling all alone in the universe. But it didn't say much, and it didn't say I wanted him back.

 

I do not want to contact him today. I do not want the pain that his roller coaster rides cause me. He is loving and present, and then he disappears and retracts all he said. Or says nothing at all.

 

I want my life back. I want to be free of him and the pain. And I feel like I can do it. I get twinges of panic, of loss. But I can only see the bad he has brought to me, and how I put up with it for so long. Let it take over my life.

 

Life, I'm back! I have NEVER been able to let go this soon after being dumped. It feels amazing. I may have many more weak moments, or I may not. I know, though, that I can get trough this, and that I would never take him back unless he did some serious counseling, with me and on his own. I also feel certain he will not come back. That thought makes me a bit nauseated, still, but I am letting it go. Feeling how sad it is, how scary, but feeling also that it is right he is gone.

 

Phew. Fingers crossed, and away we go.

[nothanks]

Phew. Really struggling here. Yesterday got worse and worse and worse after about 4 pm. I ended up feeling overwhelmed with despair- about me, my life, the relationship ending so badly, all the bad that happened during the rel., his lack of love for me (or ability to express it), doubt in the very concept of love, etc...

 

Around 9 pm I started texting him. Dang. I'm going to see how bad it was, how manipulative I was, what the heck I was trying to do:

 

9:03 PM TEXT TO EX: Who am I fooling? Are you fooled? Sometimes I fool myself. I want to vomit out my heart and feed it to straw dogs. Nothing seems real. Especially not you. Can't believe you exist.

 

Ok, so here I'm trying to be clever I guess, sounds sort of like dialog in a bad TV show. "Who am I fooling?" And what did I refer to anyway? I think I meant that I wasn't doing a good job of being over it and done texting him... Not sure what the straw dogs thing meant, but it certainly was poetic!

 

9:08 PM: Ps. Not expecting a reply. from you. Ever. Better that way. It was an awful time I know. Feels good to be free I bet. Wish I was free.

 

Here I am so cavalier. Don't expect a reply and I'm glad. Musing that he must feel free and happy and admitting envy. That last bit is a little dig, I guess. The first part, about being over him and not expecting a reply, is passive aggressive challenge.

 

9:29 PM: Don't worry tho. Totally over you. Just hating my life. Feeling pretty foolish and sick to my stomach. Love is bullsh*t illusion. I'm ashamed that I was such an idiot. Glad I never have to face your friends. Acted like a total ass. Poor you, trapped in my Hell Life and Hell House. I feel sick.

 

I was feeling sick to my stomach, foolish, and my heart really really hurt. But why tell him?

THe part about his friends was double-edged- it's true that there were a few times when he disappeared that I contacted one or the other of his friends to see if they knew anything. For some of the contacts I was hysterical. Really freaking out (he was gone 10 hours or something, not answering calls, etc.).

 

One friend I sent a text to at 2 in the morning saying it was an emergency and if he was there to have him call. Later she told him that made her mad, and he told me. But, for me it WAS an emergency. I was having a panic attack, I didn;t know where he was. He wouldn't text or call. I was hyperventilating and didn't know how to calm myself down. But instead of telling her what he had done to trigger this crap in me, he told me how mad she was.

 

That was the case where my behavior was the most extreme, but there were events like that with each of his close friends. And in each case, he let them think I was some crazy freak and never told him what he had done to create the situation in the first place. I don't mean to dismiss my own need to control my anxiety and panic, but going over to a friend's to return a power tool and then still being gone 8 hours later with No Phone Call or Text, is weird. And when it goes on and gets more extreme- well, I should've left. That's clear. Instead, here I am today.

 

The part about my hell life and hell house were also double-edged. He is a major reason my house and I are where we are. Of course the ultimate responsibility is mine, but still, when you tear out one of the two front picture windows of the house, and then move out suddenly a couple of nights later, you should take a bit of the responsibility, right?

[/b]

 

Going to end this now, but I will finish, even if nobody ever reads it. I think it is important to look at my behavior and how bad it gets.

 

The next day I am always so ashamed that I don't look at what I did.

 

Sometimes, after he was gone all night, he'd play me his voicemail messages from me- calm, getting tense, angry, crying, pleading, screaming. All the different ways I tried to reach him. Trying out each emotion, almost. Which one will work?

[ghostgirl116]

hey sugar... maybe you should just go nc, and not worry about his living situation, and as for the house being torn apart, be resourceful, without him. sounds like he causes triggers too much heartache, and it really isn't worth it just to get your house put back together.

 

my little girl's dad was a lot like you described your boyfriend. he worked as a bar tender and would be out waaay late after work with no phone call, and i just could not stand it! he is a really charming and attractive guy, and women would hit on him left and right, and i would be sitting at home carrying his baby, alternating between worry and anger. and he had many many female friends, very few of which were always strictly platonic!!

 

you had a right to question where he was when he would say he would only be gone for such and such a time. but not such a good idea bringing the friends in on it. i understand you felt that you really needed him at those times, and the only reason you called the friends was because you felt the way you did. but, remember, you got through it, even when you couldn't get a hold of him. and you will get through this.

 

i'm sure he has his good points, but he doens't exactly sound like a prize. i mean, why does he feel the need to hang onto all of his exes? and this girl you sent a text to, was she an ex too? a female friend that he visits in the wee hours?? honey, you DO deserve better.

 

let him go, and be the one girl that he can't have, because he is cad. think about it, all of those other exes... he still has them, right where he wants them. and right now, he's thinking the same thing about you. don't you think you deserve better?

 

 

xo gg

[Llon]

Been there, and it sucks. Some advice from a guy that was dumped after 16 years....You must go NC. Many of our ex's will keep you strung along "just in case." Do not let this happen! As far as the friends things goes, it doesn't work. You have to go NC. One day at a time. When I was in the initial stages (it's been 11 months), I would keep a list on tthe refrigerator of why it's best not to contact her. Also, I kept a tally of the number of days of NC. After a couple months, I quit counting, because I was adjusting and didn't care as much.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please, take this advice: You cannot be friends with an ex that you love. It simply doesn't work. All it will do is provide a medium for you to keep getting hurt. I think it is possible to be friends after a year or so of NC, but not before. To determine if you are ready to maintain a friendship, answer this question:

 

Can you honestly accept your ex being involved with another and all things that go with it?

 

Until then, no friends-for your own well being.

 

I wish you luck.

[nothanks]

July 2008, I started this thread. The things that I've been through in the year and a half plus since then have been horrible. I let him come back, in small, frequent ways, and in the biggest way - he moved out of state a couple of weeks after I started this thread, and three months later weaseled his way back into my life, and I let him, helped him, move back here, back into my house.

 

I believe I have post-traumatic stress disorder from his lying, betrayals, mind-games and cruelty. He stopped cheating for a month at most, he never stopped lying, he never started telling the whole truth about anything, as far as I can tell. He got more cruel, more destructive, more vindictive, he started hitting me, and he tore apart my character to even more people.

 

So, here I am. I decided, yet again, for umpteenth time, to go NC two days ago. I broke NC today, when I woke up, by sending him an angry text, and then a second one telling him to not reply to me. I wish I had not done so, but I need to not feel that I've ruined NC, and just keep going.

 

I have so much anger - at him for his unceasing deceit and manipulations. For hurting me physically and emotionally, for not caring that he was messing with somebody else's head. And at myself for "needing" him so much for so long.

 

I am angry, too, at my friends and family, who, back in 2007, mostly all decided he was a jerk and decided to stop talking to me. I have made some new friends since, but usually people get angry when I bring him up. I don't want him back, but there is so much to figure out, to process. To top it off, I was very sick, physically, but didn't know it. I had surgery in January, and it went well. But, I'm still recovering, still unemployed, and feel quite emotionally scarred. I have such anxiety that every therapy appt. I make I end up not going to.

 

In short, I'm a wreck! I try to keep my spirits up and keep going. I am certain that I never even want to see him, or hear from him in any way ever again. I know now that he will never truly apologize, never truly admit what he did, never tell me the truth about things that I still wonder about.

 

He is a user. That is all he is. He is a parasite. He goes from single mother to single mother, pretending to love them, pretending to want to have a future, while, behind each one's back, he complains about them and says he wants to leave. He's a sex addict and the little he's revealed to me about his behaviors is truly disturbing.

 

I understand now that people like him have ways of identifying their next victim and I see the ways I made myself vulnerable to him. Through no fault of my own, due to my psychology, I was basically saying, since I met him, "Use me, walk all over me, take advantage of me, lie to me, fool me. I won't catch on and I'll do anything to please you."

 

I don't mean that I'm innocent exactly. Of course I should never have let him back, any of the times I did. I should not have put up with his behavior. Not at all. In some ways, if I say I am a victim of my psychological weaknesses and blindspots, I'd have to say the same for him! So, I need to take responsibility.

 

But on the other hand, such evil and duplicity is truly shocking. The memories I have are constantly floating up to the surface during every day conversations, and the pain is sometimes so unbearable I have to go hide or risk crying in public. Often I can't sleep at night due to the memories that play like movies in my head.

 

I know I need to find counseling, a support group, who knows what. I keep plodding along. Each day is a victory of sorts.

 

I will survive.

 

I wish I had believed what everyone said - NC NC NC NC.