sex life not what i expected.

[mazzy1212]

please help me. any thoughts or advice are appreciated. this gets a lil long and personal but i have to tell all in order to get the best responses.

 

i have been with my bf for about 10 months. things in the relationship are great. no problems to report at all, except the following. we dont have sex nearly as often as i would like, nor nearly as often as i would imagine in a relationship.

 

i have not been with a lot of men (3), but the few i have been pretty much couldnt keep their hands off me. 90% of the time when i was spending time with my ex's we would have sex (well one of the guy was just a FWB but still...). my most recent ex would always want to have sex and thought about it a lot. we could be anywhere and he'd tell me how hot i was or just do things that let me know he would be ready to go once we got the opportunity. i was with him a long time and was used to that sex life and i am aware of that.

 

so my current bf is not like that. we see each other about 3 times a week. we usually have sex 2 times (once during the week and a fri or sat night, we dont even do it in the mornings that often anymore). now sometimes we are busy or are staying at friends houses and in places we really cant have sex and that throws things off. however, its weird that he still doesnt try to have sex. that never would stop me or would have stopped my ex's. i mean when we are out at friends its usaully bc we were drinking and when he doesnt try to initaite anything its like * * * ? you just spent and awesome day with me and your friends and now weve been drinking and having fun and thats not on your mind? i know that its 50/50 so i try to initiate too. the other day we were at a hotel (after a night or drinking on me since it was his b day) and we had friends stay with us. we got to the hotel first and he had mentioned something sexual, but our friends walked in the room shorty after. so i waited till they passed out and i was trying to wake him (he wasnt fully asleep) so we could have sex in the bathroom or whatever. i get no response.

 

not that we are really a new new realtionship, but we are not an old relationship either. but i think- why arent we having sex more often? we do sometimes but its def not often. if there was anytime he's be smitten and all that itd be now. i also have an issue with not having him say things to me like im beautiful/pretty. i can remember the few times he has said it. i always tell him how hot/handsome i think he is. i asked him one day if he wasnt attracted to me (bc of him not saying things like im pretty and the lack of sex). he said he was totally attracted to me and in love and didnt know why i thought that. he def made an effort to initiate sex when we were able to right away for the next few weeks

 

for the record, my bf is very affectionate, trustworthy, loving, he's great. no other issues at all.

 

now, i know that im comparing my current sex life with my past. however most guys tell me they have a drive like my past men. i guess its very possible my bf just doesnt have the same drive. but now the other options....

#1 my bf was a friend first and heard me complain about my ex and how he wanted sex all the time in any situation, no matter how inappropriate. im thinking maybe he knows that and doesnt want to be like my ex and is trying to not focus on sex. #2 my bf doesnt last very long in bed. he does please me in onther ways most of the time, but sexual intercourse never lasts more than a couple minutes, unles its round two. i think he may feel bad about this and thats why he doesnt want to have sex all the time. regardless of how the sex goes im always very satisfied and into it, its not like im giving off vibes that "this sucks" ahah.

 

any thoughts? i know i can talk to him about it, which i sorta have already and will again, but i want to get your opinions on why the sex is not very often. is it lack of drive? his knowledge of me not liking my ex being a horn dog? feeling bad about his performance? please help, ill answer anything you need to know.

[grymoire]

If you don't mind how old are both of you guys?

 

From whatever you have said I am almost convinced that the reason is the following:

 

#1 my bf was a friend first and heard me complain about my ex and how he wanted sex all the time in any situation, no matter how inappropriate. im thinking maybe he knows that and doesnt want to be like my ex and is trying to not focus on sex. #2 my bf doesnt last very long in bed. he does please me in onther ways most of the time, but sexual intercourse never lasts more than a couple minutes, unles its round two. i think he may feel bad about this and thats why he doesnt want to have sex all the time. regardless of how the sex goes im always very satisfied and into it, its not like im giving off vibes that "this sucks" ahah.

 

If you had complained about something why would he want to do it? even though the complaint was about your ex.. and I am curious to know why you complained about your ex wanting sex all the time and now complaining about not enough sex from your current bf

 

another good guess is the time he lasts... when you say couple of minutes is it just 2 or 3 mins? i guess the male average is 10 to 15 minutes.. may be i am wrong..

 

but i still think its # 1 that is the real reason..

[mazzy1212]

im 25 hes 31.

 

i complained about my ex bc it was insane. i mean he wanted it all the time. the SECOND we would be alone he would be all over me. it consumed his mind. i mean, he was a great bf, its not like it was all about sex but i kid you not, the minute i even walked in a room he would get an erection. i dont need to do it every second of the day but having someone not wanting it a lot sucks too...

 

oh and yes he does last 2-3 minutes. sometimes we will go again right after, but then he can only finish again maybe 50% of the time.

[lostandhurt]

Okay from a male point of view:

I think it could be his performance but it very well may be a lack of drive, which by the way doesn't have anything to do with you. If you could talk to him about it somehow without him getting hurt or defensive it would be great. Has he ever turned you down if you come on to him? Try getting him wound up everyday for 3 days and see if he jumps your bones. It might help and tell what the issues are. Try and see how long you can make him last, cut down on the moaning and dirty talk and take it really slow and maybe you both can have the sex life you both will be satisfied with. I wish I had a homework assignment like that! Good luck

 

lost

[xXxLancexXx]

I see a couple of potential issues here. When I was in college, I dated a high sex drive female. She was my 3rd partner and I was genuinely intimidated by her aggression and her drive. At the time, she had probably had 10 partners and she knew what she was doing in the bedroom. I was also fearful about my longevity and not being able to please her. I lasted roughly about the same time you're talking about, 3-5 minutes, and we only had sex twice a week. The problem was I didn't act the masculine role and I was emotionally underdeveloped to be dealing with a high sex drive female. I was scared to do anything aggressive, like talk dirty or spank her. I was 22 at the time. Importantly, I RARELY complimented her because I knew it would lead to sex, and that made me nervous. If you knew you only lasted 3 minutes, that scares the crap out of a guy. At the time I would never have admitted to this, but in retrospect that was what was going on.

 

Another potential issue is job or life stress for your bf. Job stress is a major sex killer. I've gone through many a stretch where stress killed my sex drive for MONTHS at a time, and this was around the same age as your bf. Check in and see how stressed he is about his job.

 

There's not really a great solution, but try these:

1. Does he work out? If not, he should, because exercise regulates hormones, acts as a de-stresser, and will increase his testosterone. Get him a gym membership.

2. Compel him somehow to act more dominant in the bedroom, like get him to talk dirty and rough you up a little, in a playful way. Once he starts doing this, he'll be more confident in the sack, and confidence should lead to more quantity and quality.

3. If job stress is doing him in, try taking a vacation or encouraging other ways to de-stress.

 

It's important to note that his lack of sex drive isn't necessarily an indication of his attraction level or love for you. He could be totally into you, but there's some other factor affecting the sex.

 

Write back and let us know more details about your situation, like jobs, stress, etc.

 

Hope that helps.

[mazzy1212]

Okay from a male point of view:

I think it could be his performance but it very well may be a lack of drive, which by the way doesn't have anything to do with you. If you could talk to him about it somehow without him getting hurt or defensive it would be great. Has he ever turned you down if you come on to him? Try getting him wound up everyday for 3 days and see if he jumps your bones. It might help and tell what the issues are. Try and see how long you can make him last, cut down on the moaning and dirty talk and take it really slow and maybe you both can have the sex life you both will be satisfied with. I wish I had a homework assignment like that! Good luck

 

lost

 

he has never turned me down for sex thank god.

 

ill def try getting him wound up. i mean im always all over him, not in a really sexual way, but kissing him and touching him. even that gets him excited but it doesnt make him want to just do me! last night he was over my parents for a picnic, we went upstairs to watch tv. i was doing the normal stuff i do to him, plus i was clearly intrested. looking into his eyes, trying to kiss him on the lips (instead of the innocent places i always kiss him). yous think hed say "go close that door, i wanna _____". i know i could have done the same but my kissing wasnt leading him to kiss me back heavier. i guess it was bc we were at my parents, but like i said before, beinng at my parents never would have stopped anyone else.

 

i dont even dirty talk unless its round two, bc i know it wont help the matter. i dont think i can stop moaning. oh and he does take it slow. the 2-3 minutes is from taking it easy, no pounding. i am satisfied with the sex. i love him to death, im just happy to be near him. i just wish we had sex more often, like two healthly people our age should.

[mazzy1212]

lance-

 

i wouldnt say im a high sex drive girl. probably medium. once again, hate to get personal, i cant finish from sex alone anyway, but it still feels good. i love to have sex with him and be close to him and all that crap. im def not aggressive at all. he has more experience than me... well actually i dont know im just assuming since ive only been with 3. we dont talk about our past relationships and sex but im assuming he's had a lot more experience. he's complimented me only a few times. fairly often when we first started hanging out one one one, and once about a month or so ago at a wedding. thats it. at this point if he said something complimentary to me, special occasion aside, id probably cry.

 

we work in the same position. its the same thing but he has been transferred to a spot thats more work than mine. so he def has had more stress, but w/o getting into detail, its not that stressful overall. there are going to be a lot of changes at work coming, and i know that he is concerened about that. maybe that is stressing him out. i dont think his lack of wanting to do me all the time is stress related though. we spend a lot of time relaxing... we have a trip planned for next week.

 

he does not go to the gym. he has said he thought about going back bc he thinks he's fat. ive never known him any other way so i dont know if he has gained a lot of weight. he's totally good looking and a normal size.

 

i will try to encourage him to be more aggressive. he has never spanked me in bed. he has pulled my hair and other stuff but only when drunk (liquid courage i guess).

 

i just love him soooooo much. if its his drive, its his drive and ill accept that. he is who he is. i think im going to write him an email, bc its hard for me to say this face to face. its also better bc i can chose my words wisely...

[GypsyMuse]

I read your message a couple of times and I can't quite figure out what the problem is.

 

Are you worried because you want more sex and your sex drive is higher than your boyfriend?

 

Or are you worried because his sex drive is less than your ex-boyfriends?

 

If it's a compatibility issue, that's probably not going to change. If his sex drive is lower than yours now, it might always be that way, so you have to decide how important sex is in your relationship.

 

If you're worried because his sex drive is different from your exes, stop that! I see so many messages on enot where people compare one bf/gf with another and freak out because they're a bit different. People are different! From what you described, he isn't sexually dysfunctional, he's just not as horny as the few other men you've dated. Nothing wrong with that unless you personally aren't getting as much as you need, but it almost sounds like that's not it. It sounds a bit like you are interpreting his lower sex drive as meaning less attraction to you. I doubt if that's the case. He's probably just not as revved up hormone-wise as the guys you dated before.

[grymoire]

Just a different line of thought... Have you ever thought of supplements that boost libido?

 

Everybody's bodies are different but you can may be ask your boyfriend to take some supplements that can boost his libido... anti-oxidants are good for the body and for libido as well...

[vagrant]

Mazzy.. I completely understand!

 

I am in the same situation with my GF.. I want sex 3 or 4 times a week, but have settled for twice, and now once a week if I am lucky. I went through the same thoughts you did... Am I unattractive, is she interested in someone else...blah, blah

 

I am always telling her how beautiful she is.. how hot she is... rarely does she say anything similar. She rarely initiates sex, she often tells me she just doesn't feel like it. and then gets undressed right in front of me...IT DRIVES ME CRAZY...

 

How could someone not be in the mood for sex, for an orgasm....

[mazzy1212]

well its a lil 50/50. i want more sex not bc of the end result (bc i cant orgasm) but for the closeness and the feeling of being sexually desired. im sorta comparing him to my ex's but sorta not. ex's aside i cant believe a bf of under a year isnt trying top jump my bones every sec of the day...

 

but you are right. its not like we dont ever have sex, its just not all the time and thats okay...

[mazzy1212]

Mazzy.. I completely understand!

 

I am in the same situation with my GF.. I want sex 3 or 4 times a week, but have settled for twice, and now once a week if I am lucky. I went through the same thoughts you did... Am I unattractive, is she interested in someone else...blah, blah

 

I am always telling her how beautiful she is.. how hot she is... rarely does she say anything similar. She rarely initiates sex, she often tells me she just doesn't feel like it. and then gets undressed right in front of me...IT DRIVES ME CRAZY...

 

How could someone not be in the mood for sex, for an orgasm....

 

i know its rought.

 

thank god he never says anything like he doesnt feel like it bc that would just be a kick in the ass, especially for a girl!