Suddenly Alone after Long Term Relationship

[suddenlyalone]

I am not sure what I am looking for on here or in life but I know I need advice and support. I was in a long term relationship (3+ years) and had found the love of my life. About three months ago she found out by accident that I had purchased a ring (a family member let it slip) and since then she seemed to be a little distant and more apt to point out faults but we still seemed to be happy. About a week ago though she broke off our relationship. It blindsided me, although in hindsight I should have seen it coming as there were small signs. We have talked some since then and will have to have more contact as a lot of my stuff is still at her place and vice versa.

 

The hardest part for me is that the last three years every significant event in life is bound in my memory to her. The restaurants I eat at, the movies I go to, the bookstores I visit all have strong memories of her.

 

And because I had planned to marry her a lot of my future plans involved her. I am one class away from Graduation and we had discussed graduation plans so now my schooling feels like a letdown. I know these feeling are raw right now. I gave up a lot of things to be with her as we had to move for me to finish school and for her to help out an ailing family member so currently I live with my mother as we were saving up for graduation and other plans and we had sold my old car and were sharing hers. Where I felt a month ago that my life was full of possibilities I now think that there is nothing in my future.

 

My friends have all graduated and moved so I feel completely alone, unmarketable to any future girl (which my friends have told me to start thinking about but it is the furthest thing from my mind) and I can't stop crying because every picture on my camera, the screensavers on my phone and my pc, the movies I have bought, the books, music etc . . . are reminders of her. And I still love her with all my heart. More than love her. I saw us growing old together. I am literally crying most of the day and I am a guy.

 

My family is supportive but they are religious and just tell me it is God's plan which make me feel worse.

 

I have no idea which way is up or down or sideways and at this moment I feel like my life has ended even though rationally I know it hasn't.

 

I want to jointly find out why we broke up and fix it because I really thought and imagined that this is the person I would be with forever and can't imagine what happened to make that change. I know her mother went though a string of not very nice men so she is leary and she mentioned that she wanted everything to be perfect in a relationship if it was going to be forever but I am the furthest thing from abusive or controlling so it is hard for me to fathom that she would be leary of a relationship with me but that seems to be where the split occurred. And that makes me question myself because is there something I could have done to make it better?

 

I apologize for rambling as I am lost and hurt and can't understand how two weeks ago I was making plans for us and we and now I face it all alone.

 

Thank you in advance for bearing with me

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. did she tell you why she broke up with you? what happened? i think you have a lot to offer the right woman, when you are ready. you have a college education, you sound like a nice guy, you are a complete human being on your own. you will heal and move on, though it doesn't feel that way now.

[suddenlyalone]

Right now you hit the nail on the head. I don't feel like a complete human being. I feel like more than half of me has been taken away and I don't know what to do.

 

As for the breakup I feel so lost. She didn't tell me why we broke up but that she "needed a break" and when I pressed to know if that was a breakup she said yes. Later I asked and the answer I got was that we are both smart, both catches, that she loves me and will always love me and that I am the greatest guy she has ever met but that it wasn't what she expected and if a relationship is forever it shouldn't take work and shouldn't have issues because they will just be worse once you are married.

 

I have no idea what that means and what issues we had besides the normal relationship stuff. We argued occasionally about money and had our miscommunications but nothing that I can point to as being a definite factor. I felt this relationship had far less issues than any I have ever been in (as evidenced by my desire to marry her) and that we could work through our problems.

 

In the relationship whenever she seemed upset without a definite incident that preceeded it she would tell me "You should just know what is wrong and if you dont I am not going to tell you". If I pressed she would shut down so I learned to just be there for her and try and figure out what was wrong but know I am haunted that maybe I should have known and this wouldn't have happened.

[annie24]

if a relationship is forever it shouldn't take work and shouldn't have issues because they will just be worse once you are married.

 

i think she is living in a fantasy land if she thinks that couples who are married happily never ever have any troubles or bumps along the way. good relationships require work. you can't put nothing in and expect to get everything out. maybe she read too many romance novels when she was growing up, or read cinderella 'and they all lived happily after' too much.

 

i'm not sure what she is talking about, that you should 'know' what's wrong. did you cheat on her? were there some issues? if not, i don't think it's fair for her to act like that. you aren't a mind reader, and it's not fair to expect someone to be a mind reader. sounds like she doesn't know why she broke up with you either.

 

trust me, you are a whole person, all on your own. you have a career ahead of you, you can buy a new car, don't worry. or maybe with these gas prices, getting a bike might be better. are you going to the gym, going for runs, etc.....? now more than ever, you have to spend time with your friends and all.

[Lynn07]

suddenlyalone~

ahh, my heart aches for you as i read your post. i feel like my situation is extremely similar in many ways, and i know the pain you are going thru right now. if you want to read my post:

 

I am about 2 1/2 months into the breakup, and i guess i cannot tell you that i am perfectly ok, but i can see that i am better than i was.

i too am still very confused as to the exact reason for our breakup.

to tell you the truth, i think that my ex isn't sure himself, and so he honestly couldn't give me any answers.

 

I am here if you ever want to send me a private message. sometimes it helps just knowing that others are here who understand your pain.

[lostandhurt]

suddenly,

 

If you knew all the reasons for her breaking up with you do you think it would change anything? Not likely. It appears as annie stated she has unrealistic views on marriage and what it takes to grow old together. Communication is one of the biggest and expecting your mate to read your mind is a recipe for disaster.

It may seem like your life is over but it isn't. You can only control your actions not hers or anyones else's. Thinking if I had only done this or that she would have stayed and loved me more is not realistic as you would have never been able to keep it up and eventually resented the fact that you were having to do it just to keep her. This looks more like her issues than yours, eventhough you are hurting badly, you seem more together for a possible relationship than she does. Healing starts when we begin to realize we can't change the past or make someone stay that doesn't want to.

It will take time to heal but putting the effort into trying to be the perfect husband for her would have destroyed you sooner or later.

Best wishes

 

lost

[stephdwyer77]

Hello suddenlyalone,

 

I agree with Lynn07, my heart goes out to you for what you are going through as I think we have all been there (or are there) ourselves and relate to what you are feeling right now. I will also whole heartedly agree with both Annie24 and Lostandhurt, she IS living in a fantasy world if that is how she seriously thinks relationships work. To be honest, the first thought that went through my mind as I read your posts is how immature she is. And I don't mean that to be rude, I am being honest. She has a LONG way to go and a lot to learn about what it takes to make a happy and healthy relationship, and it sounds to me like she is actually waaay behind you in that department. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for her until she sees it for herself, and chooses to do something about it. I know that probably does not make you feel any better, but coming from personal experience I can vouch for how true that is.

 

At the beginning of my bf(ex?) and my relationship I started to see commonalities between the problems I'd had in previous relationships and those that I was having with him. I realized for the first time that it wasn't always 'the other person', that I had things I needed to work on and improve within myself in order to be a better person in a relationship too. This put me in a very vulnerable position, the one I feel you are in now, in part because I didn't know exactly WHAT I needed to work on and improve. I didn't know exactly what it was I was doing wrong, just that I knew I was contributing in some way. Where the problem arrises is when you go through this and are with a person that still feels that it IS 'the other person'. They (probably subconsciously) then play upon your new found relationship insecurities, and make you feel that EVERYTHING is your fault. And because of the state you are in, you believe them! I know, I've done it too. You should be able to trust them in your relationship to be supportive of you as you take this step of admitting your faults, but instead they use your admitance to their advantage - as their "proof" that you are in fact wrong and they are right - and you become confused, trying to figure out on your own where your part in the problems stop and their's start. Oh how I understand how much that hurts, I have been there. It's a terrible feeling and I feel so much for what you are going through right now - a lot of doubt in yourself, guilt that you caused this and/or could have done something to stop it, blaming yourself. I don't know what I can say that might help you, but please believe that IT IS NOT TRUE!

 

In situations like these somethng that a good friend told me once always comes to mind - "You can be the most perfect partner in the world, but if the person your with is not willing to admit that they need to work as well it is not going to work". You are showing that you are willing to do the work, and I believe that is the biggest (and hardest) step. And I believe it takes a very strong and confident person to be able to do that. She should count her lucky starts that she has been fortunate enough to come accross a man as open and honest about yourself and willing to work as you are, they are few and far between out there. And trust me, SHE is the one being stupid for letting you go. But until the time comes that she can see for herself the part that she plays in all of this and what she needs to do you are simply going to be beating your head against the wall. It is like a small form of torture, as you will continually go through these emotions with her over and over and over again.

 

In my situation patience and continual hard work did pay off, a couple of months ago my bf finally had his epiphany and in doing so decided to start seeing a counselor for help on his/our issues. I believe we both have grown quite a bit in our own ways, but unfortunately it looks as though it is too little too late - the damage to me from all of the time spent "beating my head" has taken it's toll, and in contrast the damage to him that was a result of my pain in the relationship is more then he can continue to deal with, and we no longer have it within ourselves to continue to face our problems together. Please do not put yourself through this as long as I did, worry about making yourself a good 1/2 of a relationship and if she is able to rise to your level good for her, if not please, please, please have faith that there are many other women out there who can.

 

I know that is the hardest thing to do right now, but come back to this forum as often as you can as there are many wonderful people on here who will help you through it. That's what I do and it makes a HUGE difference.

 

We are here for you anytime, my thoughts are with you!

[MsMookie]

It's not God's plan. If it was maybe its because she is a such ambivalent douche and your better off without her...

You situation is a little like mine. One the eve of you achieving a main life goal, they bail.

 

i wouldn't say your unmarketable to any girl, but of course you wouldn't be ready for any romaticals with another yet.

 

All I can say that might help you is that success is the best revenge. Study up for those exams. I am studying too trying to graduate for once and for all...talk to me. Get a tutor if you find it hard to concentrate on the task at hand.

Apart from that do random acts of physical activity and grab a few movies to watch. Catch up with friends. I just popped in to say hi to a old work colleague last night and had a coffee. I am glad I did. You do actually let your friendships slide if your in a relationship...So catch up with these people now.

 

I am not perfect but these things have worked for me.

[suddenlyalone]

I really appreciate all the advice. It helps to hear from others who know what it is like. It also helps to just put it out there and write about it.

 

I talked to my brother and his wife (Who have known her for the same amount of time as I have just not as close of course) and they thought the same thing. She doesn't know why she wanted to break up. Possibly a fear of commitment.

 

I am not wanting to give the impression that I was totally without fault in the relationship. I made my fair share of mistakes and plenty of them but I didn't see any of them as being a relationship ender. Nothing close to cheating or anything on that level. The biggest arguments we seemed to have was she found my mom annoying and felt like my mom saw her as competition, that I didn't seem to anticipate her needs, and of course money. Stuff I have faced in every relationship and stuff that we could have worked through.

 

I have a feeling I have been and will be repeating myself a lot in this thread as I try and think this through. I just can't come to grips with what happened.

 

If she is having commitment fears how should I handle it? My instinct is to try and show her that she has nothing to fear and to get her back but I feel that with my current emotions I am only going to make things worse.