...John... Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Great things have gotten significantly worse.... here is my story... [u rl]ht tp w.enotalone.co m/forum/showthread.php?t=236868 [/url] This is what has changed... I stopped by the house last night to grab some of my things, I knock on the door and I hear... "where is your shirt??" It takes 5 minutes for her (the ex) to get the door open... the guy is standing in the background with no shirt on, and she is looking very dis-shoveled... I flip out and start asking her how can she just do this to herself (we are both very religious, and we had a initimate relationship at one point and time, then decided that we would not have sex, so we could grow closer to each other) anyways all she says is that she doesn't have to tell me anything, its not my business... I know its not my business but I can't just stand there and see her do this... She looked so miserable, more than I have ever seen her... she had this look in her eyes that she was so hurt and confused... then the jerk starts telling me to do things, and demands things of me, so I tell him to shut up and sit down... I look at her with sincere pain and love for her and keep asking her why... all she does is bring up the times I hurt her... she makes some sly comment at maybe she is doing it to piss me off or hurt me, im not 100% sure what she said. Then she goes into the back bedroom, I stand at the door and keep asking her why??? What about your values and morals, why do something for a little pleasure when ultimately you know its going to cause you pain... she responds "if I hurt myself its my own damn fault..." then screams at me to get the F**k out... then slaps me hard... ( good thing about that, is normally the moment she would slap or hit me I would lose it, and lose all control and push her, I would flip on like a switch of some sort... but last night when she slapped me, I did nothing I just looked at her... so that was somewhat a good thing, all the hard work I have been doing to change who I am is paying off) anyways so she storms out of the house and I later come to find out she was standing off in the shadows listening to me talk to this guy ( who is 19 by the way, just out of HS, enlisted in the Marine Corps, I too was in the Marines and know exactly what is on this guys mind) I look at him, and I pour my heart out to him about her, (not crying or anything) I tell him if you care about her at all you would not do this to her, you would not take advantage of her at this point in time... all he can say is how his beliefs about sex is different from ours and how he just wants to screw her... At this point I want to assault this guy and scrape his face accross the cement sidewalk... he just tells me the same thing over and over... then he asks me to tell him the things I did wrong to her, and that way he won't do them himself. I tell him that I'm not there to teach him how to get into her pants... about a hour later she strolls in, goes right by his side and starts running her fingers through his hair... (keep in mind she has only known this guy for about 3 days, and before this she was in UT for 3 days with another "crush" she had, but he said he wanted to just be friends) she looks up at him like he is her savior, I look at him and realize that he only wants one thing... he doesn't give me the time with her to help her see what she is doing, he keeps interrupting with stupid comments that bring nothing to the table but keeps her mind off of what I am trying to say... all this to no avail, she says she is tired and needs to wake up early and goes off to bed... I stand at the bedroom door, and try to tell her, she has so much more to live for, she doesn't need to do this to herself, and that she is such a bigger person, with values and goals, dreams and aspirations and that she should not settle for temporary pleasure when it comes to external bliss, I tell her I love her, and that I won't speak to her again, but will contact her once to let her know I need to grab my things for my move back home. I tell her again that I love and care about her, and wish only happiness in her life, but then tell her to make sure this is what she wants and not just some craving to make some of the pain go away. I walk away, and I tell him, that if he truly cared about her that he would not put her through any of this... that she is a very special person, and that if he is just in it for the ride that she should just walk away and not take advantage of her... I tell him the good ol " If you ever hurt her purposely and I ever find out, I will hunt you day and make sure you regret the day you laid your lustful eyes on her" I then grabbed some of my things and left.... Any thoughts at all as to why she is doing this, and things I could have done better given the situation... by the way at this point it NC for good, I can't keep worrying about her like this, but I do care about her and want her to not do things that will bring her pain... Link to comment
Supa_gurl Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 It is okay to care for her and to care for her well being. But for yourself, you need to keep working on it. It is wonderful that you restrained yourself when she slapped you. I believe in the heat of the moment she did not notice your strength. However hindsight is 20/20 and she will realize soon enough the changes you have already made. SHe seems to be in a lot of pain and possibly confused. All you can do at this point is let go and let GOD (if that be who you would speak to). You have done your best and you will persevere and keep going. good luck to you John. Link to comment
ieatglue Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Take it from me. You can talk till your blue in the face. Just the fact your speaking, ensures she won't listen. Nothing you can do. Like supa gurl says, if she's gonna realize anything, it will be in her own time. Save your breath. Link to comment
...John... Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 I worry about her though... she a very great person, but she is just doing something stupid... i'm not sure if she is just trying to fill a void but this is going to tear her apart even more... it hurts to see her go through this... thank you for your comments, keep them coming please, I need to know what I should do... I'm not talking to her btw, I'm sticking to that... Link to comment
ieatglue Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 You're doing the right thing. Nothing. Hard as it can be, you're doing the right thing. Care about her, but in silence. She is only going to run faster, and harder if you don't. Then she will make you the reason she is acting this way. Even if you're not. If she values you, she'll think about what she has done. The biggest thing you will have to overcome is your silence to her, and not knowing anything. That is what's hardest. Link to comment
...John... Posted July 6, 2008 Author Share Posted July 6, 2008 Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this... i keep getting the same advice even from non ENA'ers I think i'm going to stick to it. I do care about her, but I also have to care for myself right? It is her decision to do what she is doing, I'm no longer involved so I need to spare myself the pain. Thank you again for all your comments and thoughts. Take care. Link to comment
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