One year later......

[Beginningandend]

Yesterday, July 4th marks the day when my wife walked out on me. I will try to keep the accounts of what happened brief and to the point because a) I already discussed them here many times before and b)It doesn't matter as much as the healing that I am doing now.

 

On July 4th of last year my wife of 6 years came home from work and told me she couldn't do this anymore. That she didn't love me anymore. She was leaving, and with little explanation as to what made her decide this, and why this couldn't be discussed. She packed clothes and left to visit her mother and from there to live with a mutual friend of ours. I was in shock. I couldn't and didn't want to believe this was happening. I tried for almost a week to encourage her to come back so we could talk about this further, to try counseling to save the marriage to no avail. At one point the emotions became too much and as a desperate and irrational attempt to divert the pain I began cutting myself. I became desperate and would beg her to return, she told me coldly that she couldn't.

 

Fast forward a few weeks: she informs me that she is coming back for only a few hours so we can talk. I spill everything out, telling her I would do anything to try to preserve our marriage. Then she drops the bomb on me. She has been having an affair.......with the same mutual friend she had been living with. They have been having the affair for 5 months. I had suspected something wasn't right between them, there was simply too much contact but I had faith that if something was wrong that she would tell me. My instincts knew better, and I should have followed them. I informed her then that I wanted a divorce(we had initially agreed on a separation). She had destroyed the bonds of trust and our marriage, even with counseling I did not feel I could trust her again.

 

After her leaving I made arrangements to leave the home we had lived in and live elsewhere. I was a wreck. I hadn't eaten very much in weeks and it showed, and from what I heard from others recently I was a shell of a person. I came accross this site a few weeks later and read other people's accounts and decided to share my own. Getting my own story out and reading other people's and getting their support and even giving mine helped me to put some pieces back together and become a bit more like my old self. It wasn't easy. I still had to deal with a lot of anger and depression, but having people help you through it even complete strangers really helps. It doesn't make the journey easy, but it does make it more bearable. I initiate NC as I had read on here is recommended, and focus on myself. Slowly, I start feeling better.

 

A few months pass. She calls to inform me that she has moved back into our home, with my former friend/her new boyfriend in tow. This knocks me back several steps, enraged and saddened that she had moved into OUR home with her new boyfriend. For days I sink back into that pattern again, only this time going even lower: attempted suicide. For hours I sat with a knife on my wrist debating whether or not to run it accross. Thankfully I think better of it and never try it again, but it was definitely my darkest hour. During that time I receive a call both from my ex and her boyfriend. To try to alleviate her guilt she tries again to say "it was an accident" in regards to the affair and also tries to blame me for it. In as calm of a voice as I can muster I inform her why neither excuse works. The ex-friend calls the day after to state that he hopes at some point there can be a reconciliation, I inform him that is not a possibility since he too betrayed my trust and to not contact me again. I have heard nothing from him since and very little from the ex.

 

Several more months pass, and it still hurts. The holidays are coming up and for the first time in a long time I will be spending them alone. This puts me in a state of depression for a few months. It was difficult to find joy during this time.

 

Then something happened in early January. I realized I was punishing myself for her actions. That I deserved far better than what I got. That while I had my own quirks and faults I was still a good husband and was till the very end. That even in spite all that happened these were things that could not be taken away. Or to put it a simpler way, the advice that I was given here for several months was FINALLY starting to sink in. I even received a call from the ex and it remained civil. No anger, no finger pointing, and no blame. We discussed the divorce proceedings and talked a bit about what happened. She ended the call with "I though you would hate me" I honestly replied "If I could have this might have been easier for me, but you don't spend that much time with a person to just turn and hate them so easily." We said our goodbyes and that was that. I have forgiven her, not to say I have forgotten. If I forget it only leaves me open to make the same mistake again.

 

It's been almost 6 months since that call and as I have said earlier one year since this began, so where am I now? Simply put: better. I am enjoying the things I used to again, getting out more often(going out tonight in fact. Should be fun)and enjoying life again. I even have a new woman in my life. We are taking things slow and don't want to rush things, but things are going well. Most important I have learned to have faith in myself, and in other people. For those going through a similar situation I know how hard it is to have faith in yourself, and especially others but trust me when I say to help move on you have to learn to do this. As for the ex? She has her own life now, and as far as I am concerned the less I am in it the better. Having her in my life only makes for a toxic environment, and I deserve better than that.

 

Well this has gone on a lot longer than I wanted, but I did want to say that for the people going through this: I know how difficult it can be, I know how hard it is to see the light of the end of the tunnel but I assure you that it IS there. You are going to face a lot of hardships, but keep moving forward. You will be surprised how you will feel at the end, and you will see there is still life after breakup, no matter how hard it is. While it feel near impossible to do so the most important thing is to have faith. Faith in yourself most importantly, and faith in others. You WILL be ok.

[Comeback_Kid]

I realized I was punishing myself for her actions.

 

Great insight, hope everything continues to work out for you, peace

[lostandhurt]

Nice to hear you are doing so well. Great post!

 

lost

[Supa_gurl]

I am so glad to hear the healing of yourself in your words. Keep it up, and congratulations.