Get over it already . . .

[kmccaugh]

I am consistantly having an issue getting over an ex. It's been a little over 2 years! There was a time where I thought I was over him and dated someone else. However every time I ran into or heard things about the ex - I would still become very emotional. I either acted like I didn't care or cried my eyes out for days or got angry.

 

The "new" relationship ended by my choice for various reasons. I since found out that the original ex is seeing someone else. Since the night I found out about his first date with this newgirl - I'm going out of my mind. I met the girl prior to their starting to date. I used to work at the bar she started working at. Basically I don't respect her for comments she has made and things she has done while bartending - she is a real "party girl" if you know what I mean. Anyway, the ex is still seeing her (3 months) and it continues to drive me crazy. I stopped going to EVERYplace that I know he/she hangs out at. Even that way, I run into people and I swear it's the first thing they say "oh, did you know ex is dating "newgirl". I have friends that work with her at both the bar and her normal full-time job. I have a sister-in-law that sits right next to her best friend at work and another friend that works with her roomate. Seems I just can't distance myself from the situation. This has caused great conflict with me and my friends due to the circumstances.

 

It is too painful to see them together - so I mainly stay home. I am 29 years old and don't want this to consume me anymore. I have wasted 2 years on the relationship and 2 years trying to heal from it.

 

Hearing about him or thinking about him (and now the "newgirld" brings me to instant tears. We had dated for 2 years until I broke it off. (Broke up in sum because I was a hassle to his life and he would say things like coming to see me was a chore and he felt like he had to. Said he never saw himself with anyone and that if he couldn't make it work with me he didn't think there was anyone he could. I got so tired of putting myself out there only to be disappointed and left wondering.) I was his first girlfriend - as in having a relationship with. He dated others before me (few) but nothing serious. I don't know what keeps me hanging on to thinking about this guy.

 

I don't want him back. He never appreciated or returned my love for more than a few days at a time. I will admit that I am jealous of the newgirl. I worked at a bar for many years on a part-time basis and recently quit. Then she got hired at the same place - she has the SAME name I do, works at the same bar I did, and instantly made friends with all the same people. I feel like she took over my past life. The ex didn't like the fact that I bartended or that I would go out and party with my girlfriends and dance. This chic took over my past life and he wants her now and never wanted me when I did the same things. She takes the annoyances he had with me to the extreme. I just don't understand how he wants that - either that or he lied to me for years or he just didn't like me or what I just don't know.

 

Such a complicated situation. I just want to get over him/it and move on. I just can't seem to do it. I stopped talking to most of my friends cuz they are associated with her since they also work with her. AND worse of all, my "friend" felt the need to fill her in on all the relationship details of me and the ex. So now the newgirl knows everything about me and how I feel and I feel she has power over me. She is the type of person who would go out of her way knowing these things to make me look like a bad person or a fool or whatever rubbing it in that "she has the guy".

 

So in summary, I lost my support system (friends), my boyfriend, my exboyfriend, my livlihood on the social scene - all because of the ex's new relationship. I realize it is my fault for making the decision to avoid it but what do I do now? Do I need to move out of the state and start over just to distance myself and let myself heal?

 

I have no contact whatsoever with the ex anymore (since the newgirl). Prior to that I had tried to be friends but we mostly just ignored each other. He is a very very closed person and has a hard time talking. Told me on numerous occasions that he can't talk to me because I just know too much about him. What kind of logic is that? Any ideas? I've read a couple books on getting over a relationship but just don't seem to get anywhere inside where it really counts.

 

I don't want to pursue a new relationship until I can get over this inside myself.

[Beec]

 

I don't want him back. He never appreciated or returned my love for more than a few days at a time. I will admit that I am jealous of the newgirl.

 

 

The above sums up your whole dilemma. You don't want him back, but you are still jealous. What are you jealous of? Her being with a guy you don't want? That makes no sense.

 

Going out on a big limb, it seems you are still mourning over not having the relationship that you dreamed of with him. That relationship never was and never will be. Instead of mouring for the dream of something that never was matched by the reality, you should be laughing at her for going out with a guy not worth wanting. Perhaps the quickest and best way to get over whatever you are trying to get over is to got out and enjoy yourself with some other guys until you find one who in reality is much clsoer to the dream. What you are currently doing is not getting you there. Most of us have a few scars and some baggage from our old relationships, but hopefully don't let them bar us from getting into new ones.

[sueblue]

Hey there,

 

I read your post and the first thing that came to mind is your putting this guy on a pedestal. I did that before and boy did I think he was the greatest guy how could I think such things about someone who told me he did'nt love me anymore and was just attached to me and when he gets over that then im gone! It sounds like you need to really think of this guy for real! Detach yourself from your fantasy and really think of him for what he is.Hold your head up your the better person in this case. I have found by putting the person in there real place I can let go of my fantasy of this great guy. I imagine my ex with his hands over his ears saying blah, blah, blah and wearing a big diaper in the meantime thats what I remember when I want to think he's doing something great or different and it works for me. Theres a book called How to fall out of love find it and read it. It's great stuff on how to handle a break up while still seeing him and mutual friends don't let that girl see you sweat! Hope this helps.