Am I going to regret this?

[lollipop182]

So I broke up with my boyfriend the other day because he got a lap dance from a stripper. (My post is in relationships conflicts). This incident lead me to distrust him completely and question our relationship and his respect for me because he knew my feelings on this subject beforehand. He told me to take as much time as I need to figure things out.

Now I just dont know if I am overreacting, or I am just thinking this because I miss him so much. This worst part of being a dumpee is questioning if you did the right thing. Should I be in contact with him while I figure things out? or is this just making it worse?

[Mindy1607307824]

Honestly, I don't know. Did he go alone or with his friends? How did you find out?

I'd be mad (depends on my mood and the situation)but break up with him over this? Are you sure there's nothing else behind it? (You've been having problems for a while or sth like that?)

[lollipop182]

He went with a friend, and he told me because he saw someone there I knew and figured id probably find out. The thing is is that I can't get over it right now and am deeply hurt. There is definetely way more behind it, including less sex, his tendency to be very degrading towards women, and his lack of respect for me. If he just went to the strip club I would have forgiven him easily, but its the lap dance thing that makes me sick. I think this incident pushed me over the line. He has so many great qualities and I love him so much, but I also have to wonder does he love me that much if that is his behaviour?

arrghh this is so hard

[serendipity211]

you should get him to explain to you why he did it, if it sounds reasonable and you think it truly does sound like its from his heart that he is saying this stuff to you, (though that may be hard since you don't trust him as much anymore); If his reason is a reasonable enough answer where you think at some point in your life you can forgive him and continue on with your relationship, then you guys should talk it out.

 

A little time for himself and for you to think wouldn't hurt though. Just to let him think about why he really did it, was it worth it sacrificing your relationship, and how much he really cares about you, etc. maybe after a while he'll come to a conclusion and realize himself how stupid he was for doing something like that to you and learn his lesson. you never know.

 

Sometimes guys are like that. they don't even know why they do things sometimes, because they just act, they don't really think about the consequences later on yet. we have to understand that they are human, and guys are guys, we just have to forgive them for their stupid mistakes at some point and hope they learn from them and mature from it.

[Imprecision]

You informed your guy of your dislike of strip clubs beforehand. He should have respected that.

 

Nevertheless, most guys and probably many girls do not view strip clubs as a big deal. Neither lap dances. Lap dances are not "betrayals."

 

If you broke up with him for other reasons, then focus on those reasons.

 

This incident lead me to distrust him completely and question our relationship and his respect for me because he knew my feelings on this subject beforehand.

 

Based on this, you definitely overreacted.

[dreamwarrior]

Trust is a hard thing to repair...me personally if I don't trust someone then that is the end of the line no turning back.

[dream83]

Whether or not a lapdance is a betrayal is relative. I would have a problem with my partner having another woman grinding and shaking her boobies on his lap in ANY situation. I fail to see how the fact that the man pays the woman changes this for the better. So, if it were me, I think it would be over. But, that's just my opinion. Clearly the OP hates the concept of her partner doing that. That's ALL that matters here.

 

OP, you told him upfront. He did it anyway. And now we have this added tidbit that he's degrading toward women. It looks as if he clearly doesn't respect you. And maybe this is just my paranoid mind, but it sounds as if he's telling you "Take all the time you need" as if he's full on expecting you to "get over it" and allow him to get away with it scott free.

[lollipop182]

Thanks Dream83 that was a helpful post. As for myself asking him why he did it, he told me he had no reason at all. He told me there was nothing he could tell me to make this better and maybe I would be better off without him because he hurts me.This to me sounded like he was almost pushing me to break up with him. So I did. Don't get me wrong he still apologized and seemed remorseful, but some of his comments were a red flag in my mind, and he didn't even fight to show me that it meant nothing, and a stripper does not even compare to me.

Call me insecure but i need to hear these things from him to feel better about the situation and get over it.

[lovemycoffee41]

Give yourself some time for yourself to figure out how you really feel about this situation. Right now you miss him, definitely, so take some time for you and see if after some time to see if the relationship is something you'd still like to pursue.

 

It really depends on how you found out, if he lied, or however it happened to make you lose trust in him.

 

Me personally, lapdances/strip clubs every once in awhile (I'm talking once in a blue moon here) doesn't bother me at all. It would be anything more than that, or if he was outright lying to me about anything. But that's me.