wants to stay together... but won't stop talking to her!

[laura_mae]

My husband and I had been together only a year and a half before he cheated on me. I was neglecting him sexually (by the way, I was 5 months pregnant... the first trimester in pregnancy is NOT when you want to be having sex of any kind) so I left him and came back home. Recently, my husband has expressed that he would like to stay together and work things out.... this is after he confesses that after I left, he proceded to get into a deep relationship with this other woman. He says that their romantic relationship is over, but that she is a great friend. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick. I want to stay together and try to make it work, not only becuase I believe strongly in saving our marriage and keeping our vows, but also for our son who will be born in 2 months. I just can't get past this other girl in his life!! I'm so confused. Every time I express to him my feelings he just gets mad. He finally said that he's not going to discuss it any more. I'm not sure if this is something I should just let slide and hand it over to God (I am a christian and have always turned to God in times of trial) and hope that he will work a miracle on my husband, or if this is something that I need to say is a deal breaker. Stop talking to her, or leave me. Help!!!

[dream83]

It sounds to me like your husband wants to control every aspect of the situation here. He wants to cheat on your during the marriage, have a relationship immediately after you leave the house, demand to be taken back, maintain a friendship with the woman he cheated on you with, AND determine when you will and will not talk about it. What exactly is he losing in this arrangement? I don't see on example of your feelings/well-being being taken into consideration. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him (and I have thin spaghetti arms). If it were me, I would not be taking him back at this point. I don't see where he's actually trying to make the marriage work. Furthermore, right now he's not the man you would want your son to grow up to mimic, I'm sure.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this (especially while pregnant), btw.

[laura_mae]

It sounds to me like your husband wants to control every aspect of the situation here. He wants to cheat on your during the marriage, have a relationship immediately after you leave the house, demand to be taken back, maintain a friendship with the woman he cheated on you with, AND determine when you will and will not talk about it. What exactly is he losing in this arrangement? I don't see on example of your feelings/well-being being taken into consideration. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him (and I have thin spaghetti arms). If it were me, I would not be taking him back at this point. I don't see where he's actually trying to make the marriage work.

 

I agree with you in some ways... he is trying to have his cake and eat it too... but I'm wondering if this is something I just need to give to God and ask him to help my husband make the right decisions. The reason I'm holding on to the marriage is because if it dosen't work out, when our son asks us in 5 years why his mom and dad aren't together, I want to be able to tell him that we tried. That we didn't just give up. I'm so confused, I don't know how much I need to rely on God to change things, or where to draw the line and say that i"m done. I don't know if an ultimatum is the way to go... but I'm not sure that just ignoring it and pretending like the problem, and this other woman, aren't there.

[laura_mae]

I've also been debating whether I should write this "other woman" an email... the whole situation is so odd. They are in the same unit (both in the army) and she has a 5 month old. She even sent me a huge package in the mail with baby clothes and a letter saying that she was there for me if I needed to talk, and that she knew what it was like to have an "unsupportive husband"... if she knows how it feels, then why would she be doing this with my husband?? I know if I say anything to her, it will probably just cause more tension and fights between me and my husband... but at the same time I really would like to just tell her how I feel.... Ugh!!!

[dream83]

Well, I don't want to overstep and act as if I know God's plan for your marriage, because I don't. But, as I see it right now, you ARE trying by allowing him a chance to come back. You're not in this marriage alone. He made vows to YOU. Also, it's important right now not to put yourself in a situation where you will stress and possibly affect the baby. You really have to take care of yourself because when you're tense and stressed, your baby likely feels it, too. And while it's possible that your child would ask why his parents aren't together when he's five, it's also possible that five years from now he may see his dad coming home late at night if at all, mistreating Mom, etc. and that would be much worse.

 

I think a big concern (of mine) here is that your husband may very well continue to treat you like a doormat. This is just my opinion, but you definite don't need to allow this man to go to this woman's house, possibly sleep with her, then come home and sleep with you, especially while you're carrying your child. No matter what you decide, I don't think you should let him disrespect your body like that. And if I may be blunt, if he's out sleeping with other women, who knows whether or not he may even bring a disease home to you (God forbid).

 

But, with all that said, you don't have to run out and get a quickie divorce right now. You are allowed to take some time for yourself to try to decide the best thing to do. That time will also allow you a chance to observe your husband's behavior and his level of commitment to making the marriage work (which right now appears to be nil). You probably won't like my opinion, but my gut tells me that you should tell this man that if he truly wants to be married to you, he'll cut this woman off completely (remember, he promised to "forsake all others" for you). That's not a power play. It's not necessarily a move to try to make him do anything. But, it is a step that I think you should take simply to assert yourself and protect yourself from this man dragging you through unnecessary turmoil. If you let him run over you, chances are it will continue, if not escalate.

 

I know my post probably sounds like it's all over the place, but I hope at least some of it is helpful!

[dream83]

I've also been debating whether I should write this "other woman" an email... the whole situation is so odd. They are in the same unit (both in the army) and she has a 5 month old. She even sent me a huge package in the mail with baby clothes and a letter saying that she was there for me if I needed to talk, and that she knew what it was like to have an "unsupportive husband"... if she knows how it feels, then why would she be doing this with my husband?? I know if I say anything to her, it will probably just cause more tension and fights between me and my husband... but at the same time I really would like to just tell her how I feel.... Ugh!!!

 

Okay. Please remove yourself from this situation and go back to your parents, at least for a little while. The last thing you need is these two screwing with your head. And furthermore your husband has SO disrespected you by having the audacity to say he's got a "wonderful friendship" with this woman. That right there indicates that he thinks so little of how you feel as well as your own rights within your marriage. And this woman clearly has lost her mind, writing you a letter like this. Don't entangle yourself by writing her back. Go somewhere, give it time, and think things clearly. God can work a miracle in your life no matter where you are. There's no need for you to sit at home and constantly be slapped in the face. If you two are meant to be together, you taking time out to stay with your parents and regain peace of mind shouldn't be an obstacle to that.

[Karmageddon]

You keep mentioning God helping your husband make the right decisions. But I doubt very much that your "husband" is unfamiliar with his teachings. He is choosing and has chosen a path of his own free will & has turned his back on the sanctity of your marriage and your home. I can also pretty much guarantee you that if the Army boot was on the other foot, he would have zero tolerance for YOU maintaining a relationship with your ex-lover b/c you are just really super good friends now. The other woman is of no issue, leave her alone, she will deal with her own guilt & she can't help you anyway. This issue is with the selfishness & self centeredness of your husband, he cannot get to heaven on your coattails. Do what you need to do for you and your child, only you know what is best, but I doubt you want this other woman babysitting. Why not? She's just a really good friend now....right? If he can't keep his junk in his pants for a few months while his wife is carrying his child, he wont be able to do it down the line either. What happens when he is deployed? I'm sorry girl. I know how much this sucks.

[laura_mae]

I did remove myself from the situation, 3 months ago when I found out he cheated. My leaving is what gave him the opportunity to persue things with this other girl. I feel like it's a power struggle with him! I want so badly to do the right thing.. but at the same time I don't feel like it's an unreasonable request to ask him to stop talking to this girl. It dosen't matter if they work together or have to see each other.... I feel like he should have thought about that before he put himself in the situation. Every time I say these things, he gets mad and tells me that I'm not innocent in the situation. That I contributed to our problems, and that if I had been a wife and paid attention to his "needs" that he would have never gone elsewhere... I did neglect him and his needs.... but I don't feel like he should be throwing it in my face after what he's done... ugh.... I just wish I could talk to him about all these things without it starting and ending in a fight. i'm sick of fighting and arguing and ultimatley it leading to nowhere. Nothing ever gets resolved, we just fight and then get over it... only to have it come up again a week later!! I want things to work with him so badly but most of the time don't feel like he is willing to put in the effort that i am!! He's coming home to visit next week... maybe I should see how things go and wait until then to discuss anything further with him. I don't want it to seem like all I do is nag and whine and try to rule his life.... but I also don't want to sit here and let him and this other girl mess with my head and treat me like a doormat.

[dream83]

He's guilt tripping you and it's working. You do have the right to ask him not to maintain contact with the woman he cheated with. You're his wife. And moving out isn't what allowed him to cheat. His lack of commitment to the marriage is what allowed him to cheat. And if he used you being pregnant and not wanting sex as an excuse, how would you expect him to behave while deployed (as the other poster said)?

 

By removing yourself, I meant that if you already have moved back to be with him, maybe you should stay with family, away from this woman's crazy letters and packages, so that they can suport you through this. The most troubling thing is that he accepts NO responsibility for this...none...he blames it on you. That makes me feel like he's only going to do it again, because according to him he did nothing wrong.

[Kalika]

Honestly Laura, I think he sounds like one of those Perpetual Victim types that likes to blame everyone else for his decision. I honestly think that if you stay with him now, you'll find excuses to stay over and over, and I doubt this is going to get better any time soon.

[cs90453]

I think that Kalika has a good point. This isn't only about him. He needs to decide what is important in his life and make a choice. It's one thing to understand the difficulty of ending the friendship but that dosen't give him the right to continue it either. You are a family now and he has to see that it's going to make things complicated by continuing a friendship with her and he has to see your angle on it. I wish you all the best but IMO, he needs to make some decisions on what's important to him.

[SubliminalUser]

I didn't read the other posts, but if he isn't willing to give up talking to someone he almost left you for, then you don't need to go back to him. Just file for divorce and get it over with.

 

Also pregnant or not, just because he isn't getting laid doesn't warrant him to find another person.

[ImThatGirl]

What type of communication is he having with her? Pure work related at this point or?

 

- - - If he had any respect, love, or consideration for you, he would not have any type of personal conversation with her. Who is more important here? Her or his family? His type doesn't typically change either. The fact that you can't talk to him doesn't help.

 

- I strongly suggest that you go see a relationship counselor. Shortly after, ask that he join you. You two need to learn how to communicate and move forward in your relationship. I assume though he won't do this either.

 

- God can't always work miracles. But he will be there to pick you up when you are down.... Just get out before your husband has destroyed you and your heart. You know where to draw the line.

[TechResQ]

Out of respect to you, he needs to completely stop all contact with this woman! You are his WIFE, she was a FLING...he needs to figure out who he wants to be with you or her, he should not be allowed to have both. He WAY overstepped his boundaries to keep her as "a good friend" puhleeeze, Grrrr....this just makes me angry!

 

Sorry...I'm ok now. Seriously, you deserve better treatment, you are his wife and the mother of his unborn child. I mean really!!!

 

Best of luck to you. Stick to your guns, girl.

 

God Bless.

[tangi39]

This is a fantastic post ! Dream makes a lot of great points.

To the OP- I think it is wonderful that you have such strong faith in God- but keep in mind God does help those who help themselves- And God is putting it on your mind and heart to take action. I would move out again. And tell him if he is serious about making a change and working on the marriage, he needs to decide if your marriage or this "friendship" is more important to him. And if he wants you, she needs to be out of his life in ANY capacity, Pronto !

Make no mistake, he cannot have both of you in his life. You DO have a say, sweetheart, it is your marriage too, and marriages of three rarely work.

Why should he make all the decisions himself ? You are married with his baby on the way ! You are parts of this family as well- It's not his family of one.

Step up, take control of your life- You can do it, you'll have your family and God there to give you the strength and courage to do what you need to do.

If you do nothing, you'll have a life floating along while your husband does whatever he pleases with no regard for you or your child. This is not healthy OR safe !

Protect yourself and your child. You both deserve a man there who cares enough about both of you to give you the respect and love you deserve.

Hang in there ! We are here for you !!!!!!

[healthseeker]

Laura,

 

Hope you're feeling okay! Listen...how about looking at it from another point of view here. Remember Dream said what if he is deployed and is w/o your sex then...would he be faithful? Well, you could say them same thing!!! What about if you saw someone else if he was deployed....and said "you were not here to meet my needs"...just like he did!

 

I have followed your posts from the beginning and am proud that you got out. But, I will say it again...the selfishness this man shows is just appaulling!!!! He is not thinking of you ar his child if his first prob was no sex. You had probs enough to leave and then he goes and makes them worse! What reason has he given you to think it will get better? Words? Not very many since he doesn't even think he's wrong.

 

And go drive that box full of baby clothes to a donation center. If your son wears them, you'll think of her! Get rid of them. The nerve of her. Who is the father of her baby?