New contact, could use advice

[bepositive]

Hey, folks

 

I know what the advice is going to be, and it's what I'm going to do, but it's the "how" that I have some questions on.

 

Short background: Together close to 2 years, I broke up with her in December due to issues regarding children, resolved my issues, in the meantime (within 2-3 months) she had been set up with someone new. Proposed to her, she gave it thought, was ready to tell new guy it was over, but after seeing him again (preplanned trip), decided that he's more of a "soulmate." That was about 2 months ago. Been in no contact for the most part, although she called me after 1.5 weeks to check on me. I called her back briefly, said all was well, etc.

 

The new stuff: Her b-day was a few days ago, so I called to wish her a happy one. I wanted to, and my therapist (and female friends) thought it would show strength. She texted back the next night saying thanks, and she'd call. Her new bf is a cross-USA relationship, and she had this trip planned already as well, so I had expected it. She called a few days later while my phone was off, and left a message. She told me about where she had gone, and oddly enough used "I" instead of "we," even though she knows that I know why she's there. (It was a bummer, because he took her to a city that I was thinking of taking her to.) She said that she had wanted to call and catch up, but thought she should give ME some "space and time." Which I had been giving her! She wrapped it up with something like, "Send me an e-mail, and I'll e-mail you back."

 

My ex has traditionally always remained friends with her exes, and I absolutely do not want to get friendzoned. I've been out with a number of other women in the meantime, and it's clear to me that I want her back, and we'd have an incredible time together. I did ask her not to call me when she first gave me the "no," but I didn't say anything about not being friends (nor did I imply that I would want to be friends). So, I'm thinking of sending her an e-mail basically saying that I'm sorry she took my "happy birthday" message for more than it was, but I'm happy for her, and it's really best for both of us not to remain friends, and move on with our lives. Does that sound reasonable? She sounded very happy when she called, which I presume means that she's happy with how things are going with the new guy, but it could also be that she was happy to be able to call me, if she's been wanting to for so long.

 

In the new guy's favor: He wanted children to begin with, and he lives in the city that she's been wanting to move to. (I do want children now, but didn't before. And, I told her that I'm not tied to my career, and would be willing to move to a place good for both of us.)

 

In my favor: She admitted to me that she's more attracted to me than she is to him, and we had excellent sexual chemistry, which was important to her.

 

Also in the new guy's favor is that it's an LDR, so she's not with him enough to really get a sense of what he's like. And, I'm sure that every time they're together seems like a holiday, since it's few and far between, so they get to go places (and if we were together here, I'd be taking her places every few months). From what I can tell, he really sounds like a rebound, but I think it's going to take longer for her to see that.

 

I expected any reconciliation to take longer than this, so I'm not terribly surprised, but her call did throw me for a loop. I know that at least one of her sisters likes me better than the new guy, and one of her friends at work thought we'd wind up working it out. (She's been on hiatus from that job for a few months, but will see him again shortly.) I think a few positive elements like that can keep the wonder in her head, so I've got to keep playing it cool and working on myself.

 

The sad thing is that I'm dating a really cool woman who is head over heels for me, but I'm waaay not over my ex enough to get emotionally involved. In fact, all of the 4-5 women I've gone out with since have been quite interested in me, so hopefully my ex will remember how she felt, and it will bring her back.

 

Happy holidays to ENAers in the USA!

 

Thanks,

 

BP

[feelinblu]

Hmm..... I think if you want to let her know that you don't want to be friends, you should keep whatever it is you say to her pretty lighthearted and casual. Tell her it's not like you never want to talk to her again, but that you just aren't sure friends is something you can do. I also wouldn't tell her that you're sorry she took it the wrong way. Instead I think maybe saying you didn't mean for it sound like you wanted to be friends- or something along those lines might be better.

 

Haha- I'm a pain in the ***, and when someone tells me they're sorry I took something the wrong way, I think well, maybe so.... but maybe YOU said it the wrong way..... or maybe it was a combination of BOTH! Maybe that's just me, or maybe other think that way too.... but just my advice

[bepositive]

Fair enough, feelinblu, thanks! I might even wait to run this by my therapist, she should be pretty knowledgeble in "tactics."

[bepositive]

And you know, she left that message a day before MY birthday, which is a few days after hers, and never wished ME a happy birthday! The heck with her!