6 Months Today

[tiredofvampires]

The progress you continue to make, even with doubts (which we all have, no matter what the circumstances) continues to keep me in awe of your awareness and self-attunement, Dags!

 

I can really relate to your doubts with the opposite sex...in so many ways, I feel I've been a late-bloomer. Even though I started having boyfriends in my mid-teens, I felt by no means ready to grow up. I had so much inner turmoil, and facing being intimate with someone...well, it was all just absolutely frightening to me and this carried over into my 20's. And since my life has never been the norm, I still feel in some ways like I've got the psyche of a young maid in the body of a chronologically 40-year-old with the heart of a child and the soul of a 400-year-old for all it's had to endure. So it's just all over the map!! There are so many different parts of us, growing at different rates.

 

But one thing I do believe very firmly is that "quantity" of experience really doesn't correlate well in many, many cases to the abililty of a person to make a good partner. Mounds and mounds of past girlfriends or boyfriends means nothing compared to how much you learn in each one, or the ability you have INSIDE YOU to know how to love. And I feel that you are miles beyond so many guys your age in this respect. It doesn't matter what happened before, or how much experience you had before because what you brought to your relationship with Lisa was a very mature and evolved kind of love. That's all that matters. And that's what you'll take to the next one...when the time is right. Some people will go through many more like socks, and be none the better for it, but you have what it takes.

 

I also think you should try something: it's pretty simple, really, but when you start to question or doubt yourself being with someone else, make a list of ALL -- sparing nothing! -- the good things you are, that you brought to your relationship, what you know makes a good partner that you have given and are capable of. Just keep writing until you have a comprehensive list and don't hold back!!! I find it's SO hard to do this when I've tried it myself, even if no one is looking! I dare not think I have this much to offer, but if you take up this exercise, you'll have a look at the list at the end and think, "Who wouldn't want all this?"

 

There was some thread in OT about this a while back...about listing our good qualities. And I think this board is just the right place for such a thing!! But I simply couldn't bear to contribute to that thread, because I felt like I had no business putting myself on parade like that, even if I DID think up a few good traits...but the funny thing is that everyone who did post, I thought the world of them for doing so! I felt this admiration and respect for them for having the confidence to come out with that! Because heaven knows how hard most of us are on ourselves on these forums. We should just let loose sometimes because it sheerly feels good to appreciate ourselves and have someone else go, "Yeah, you certainly are all this!!"

 

So I'd ask you to share your list here, but I won't nag you because I know that modesty is probably one of the things on that list. So.

 

Anyway, it's such a rewarding thing always to see what your newest insights are, they are an inspiration to all!

[Dagless]

Oh dear a whole list huh? That's going to be a difficult one what with me being English, stiff upper lip and all that. I don't think self praise is allowed in this country LOL! Oh boy I'll have to get back to you on that one.

[tiredofvampires]

I just think I was being a little foolish, trying to sheild my own pain from others. Just goes to show that no matter how strong you think you are, you try and protend that you are something you are not and it will take its toll.

 

Also, there is never any good here to come of trying to shield your pain from others, because your sharing is exactly what brings out a sense of connection, since it's likely what others are feeling, too. The people on here are very strong individuals, who need to see their own process as not just their own private hell...and it gives them the chance to relate, and bring strong things out of themselves that they didn't even know they had.

 

Yes, I think that pain which is pushed down and in becomes like gangrene of the mind. And gangrene of the mind is no less toxic and dangerous to the person than gangrene of the flesh. It needs air, light...and medicine. The medicine here being people. Strong people with strong shoulders. That, we have here.

 

Thinking of oneself as a burden is just another concept that doesn't match up with reality in this place -- and doesn't allow others to bring their best to the situation. I've been on ENA over a year, and I've yet to feel like anyone's pain expressed was something I needed to be shielded from. I am always grateful for the things people share here.

[Dagless]

I know, It was a way of my mind trying to sheild myself from the fears within. Trying to get me to run away from here, the very place I can express my fears and get them out for all to see. All I had to do was see what I was afraid off and post it on here. Not hiding it away but waving it aloft and then suddenly it wasn't so scary anymore.

 

Fears are only fears if you are afraid to face them.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh dear a whole list huh? That's going to be a difficult one what with me being English, stiff upper lip and all that LOL! Oh boy I'll have to get back to you on that one.

 

Well then, loosen up that lip!!! LOL!!!

 

And you do that! Get back to me! No, no -- I expect a sticky broadcast on here!!

 

But okay, I will start the ball rolling then, ok? Here you go:

 

Qualities of The Dag

 

-- tolerant of people's views

-- nonjudgmental, accepting

-- poetic, creative

-- eloquent, expressive

-- wise

-- self-aware and tuned into self

-- great sense of humor (hilarious)

-- lots of cool interests

-- fun-loving

-- clever mind

-- strong shoulder to cry on

-- generous

-- very loyal

-- able to feel on a profound level

.....

 

wait, WAIT!!! I shouldn't be writing this list, YOU should be! Okay, I was getting a little carried away there, but you better just start from scratch and get back to me then? 'K???

 

 

[Dagless]

*Dag cuts and pastes

 

Thanks Vamps lol!

[tiredofvampires]

Fears are only fears if you are afraid to face them.

 

That is so true. We make fears even bigger by handing them more and more power to dictate to us. It's so hard not to believe what our fears tell us. They are to be acknowledged, for sure -- they obviously are there for a purpose, I don't believe anything just exists purely to hurt us. We have needed them for something. They are not our enemies. But they are usually not there anymore to serve us best. So then we need to knock them down from their pedestals.

[tiredofvampires]

*Dag cuts and pastes

 

Thanks Vamps lol!

 

Hee hee, you go man! lol....

[Dagless]

Qualities of The Dag

 

-- tolerant of people's views

-- nonjudgmental, accepting

-- poetic, creative

-- eloquent, expressive

-- wise

-- self-aware and tuned into self

-- great sense of humor (hilarious)

-- lots of cool interests

-- fun-loving

-- clever mind

-- strong shoulder to cry on

-- generous

-- very loyal

-- able to feel on a profound level

.....

 

I'm sorry I had to dash off before I could acknowledge how flattered I am that you see all of these qualities in me. Looking for my good qualities is my strong point but I will come back to you with some kind of list I promise.

 

I hope that you see alot the above qualities in yourself btw Vamps.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm sorry I had to dash off before I could acknowledge how flattered I am that you see all of these qualities in me. Looking for my good qualities is my strong point but I will come back to you with some kind of list I promise.

 

Well, at least it's someone's strong point! Yay for you! I wish I could say the same for myself. I'm absolutely rubbish at accepting compliments. Or seeing good qualities that don't get immediately obliterated by my feeling flawed. But I'm...trying...trying, learning, trying...

 

I hope that you see alot the above qualities in yourself btw Vamps.

 

Thank you!....

 

And yes, I expect that list!! Get crackin', boy!

 

Dare ya to post it, heh heh!

[Dagless]

I'm sorry I had to dash off before I could acknowledge how flattered I am that you see all of these qualities in me. Looking for my good qualities is my strong point but I will come back to you with some kind of list I promise.

 

I hope that you see alot the above qualities in yourself btw Vamps.

 

 

Oh boy that should have said "isn't my strong point". What kind of big head must you think I am now!? LOL. It was late.....I need to stop typing when I should be sleeping!

 

I guess I can cross "proofreading" off the list......

[KG]

Dags,

We knew what you meant before you corrected it...big headed isn't you. Is Kewl.

[tiredofvampires]

Hee hee...well, actually it wouldn't surprise me too much that you might be good at finding something good about yourself, because you DO have an ability to be kind to yourself, not in a big-headed way, but in a very realistic and healthy way! And that is a great thing to have...I would never think you are big-headed...

[stella74]

Dagless is "kewl" as KG would say.

[Dagless]

I now know that I have to live is this new reality, a reality without Lisa.

It's like I've spent over 6 months in the "grief house" and I'm finally ready to step outside when I'm standing at the door looking out at the world and all I see is sadness and loneliness.

 

I feel like crap I've had a very angry day at work which has kind of scared everyone because they haven't seen me like that before.

 

I've nearly did something stupid, I've nearly hurt myself. Not physically but emotionally because I know that there is one thing I can do that will open up all the scares and wounds to make me hurt again. I know why I wanted to do that. I know what stupid reasoning there is behind it and that is because I think it's easier to run back in to the grief house than to go out and live that sad, lonely existence I fear for myself. Stupid.

[stella74]

Please don't blame yourself or call yourself names. What happened today?

 

Your feelings about standing at the door looking out are understandable and very common. When I've been in that stage, it has felt as if I were ready to move forward but had a huge brick wall in front of me. Sometimes you just have to wait until you're ready to move through or around that wall. Hang in there Dagless!

[Dagless]

Just a very bad day at work. I just seems the harder I work the lazier the people around me get and then when you can't help someone because you've just got so much to do they pull a face at you. I just feel like people totally take me for granted.

 

I do feel stupid because I wanted to be at the point when I was at the door only for me to bottle it. I was just angry and upset yesterday and it probably wasn't the best time to think about stuff but that's the trouble because I think about it all the time, it's always on my mind.

[stella74]

Well if you're anything like me, you work hard in order to escape feeling the pain of the loss or thinking about her. Working hard doesn't give you time to dwell. But it's not healthy to avoid feeling and thinking. I know you know that.

 

I'm surprised your co-workers are treating you like that. Don't they know what you've been through?

 

We can't really control when feelings arise. We can only manage them. You don't need to judge yourself for feeling angry. Maybe you didn't manage your anger the way you would have liked. But no one is perfect. We all have our bad days.

 

I hope this weekend is better for you! Take time out to relax and take it easy. That's what I'm going to do.

[Dagless]

I was just rubbed up the wrong way thats all and maybe the was a bit a bottled up anger in there too, it couldn't have been a bad thing that it came out.

 

Yeah they know what I've been through but some people are just lazy jerks I guess.

Don't worry I'll be relaxing this weekend too

[tiredofvampires]

It just seems to be the way of things that when someone goes the extra mile to work hard, other people ever-so-gradually start to take that person for granted. I've run into that SO many times...and it does set up a great deal of resentment. If everyone were of the mind that they had to go the extra mile, what a world we'd live in, huh? A kinder, gentler more considerate and thoughtful world!

 

So don't make your feeling bad and it all kind of coming to a head into another bash fest. You have a lot working on your mind to contend with. I'm sure that as out-of-character and unideal your anger was, it was not anything that serious. You can't be perfect.

 

I think standing on the threshold of that doorway takes so much courage and self-acceptance. To accept that you have a right to think about a life without her without all the guilt that naturally comes up at this point. It's funny how guilty a person can feel when they actually have not done anything WRONG. When you think about that, it's staggering. That even though you find all kinds of reasons to find a reason to blame yourself or feel you're doing something "wrong"...when you break it down and ask yourself what you should be doing otherwise that would be more "right"...there is no answer. Because there is nothing you can be doing to make the situation more right than you are. It's funny though that it just doesn't SEEM this way. And part of that is mixed loyalties, I think. You have this loyalty to Lisa and what you had together. But you also have a loyalty to your life as it continues.

 

It's okay to stand at the doorway and just ponder the view for as long as you need.

 

But I am a little in the dark about this:

 

I've nearly did something stupid, I've nearly hurt myself. Not physically but emotionally because I know that there is one thing I can do that will open up all the scares and wounds to make me hurt again. I know why I wanted to do that.

 

What is that "one thing", how you'd hurt yourself? I don't know if you feel okay talking about that, or sharing it...but maybe it would be good to?

[Dagless]

What is that "one thing", how you'd hurt yourself? I don't know if you feel okay talking about that, or sharing it...but maybe it would be good to?

 

It's just something I promised myself I would never unleash because of what it meant to Lisa and to me too immediately after her death.

[stella74]

^ That's a great quote. Thanks for sharing that Izzy.

 

I've been thinking today about survivor's guilt. So Dagless, here's what I want to say to you:

 

No one should have had to go through what you went through, especially at such a young age. You did the best you could, given the circumstances. You've lost a lot, not just your girlfriend but her child. At least you are here to tell her story, so that we can remember her too. You were not responsible for what happened to her. It was unavoidable and out of your control. You've experienced a lot of trauma and you are a survivor! Be proud of that instead of blaming yourself for what happened.

 

all the best,

Stella

[Dagless]

I guess what it was is that I looked out from where I was standing and I saw loneliness waving at me from the distance and I feared that my path would take me towards him. Not again, not this time. I won't be lonely knowing that I have a choice.

 

I don't want anyone to think I'm going to go off and rush in to anything because I know that it will not be easy for me to find that one. It may take years but I will find her. She is out there, somewhere, waiting for me. She just doesn't know it yet.

[raining.stars]

Dagless I am sorry for your loss.

I too lost the love of my life 6 and a half months ago, he was only 25.

I dont know what I will write will be of any relevance to you but I feel like venting!

Im just annoyed at people who say that "you have to move on with your life" and to "cheer up" I say what's the rush? There is a reason we feel like utter crap and that is because we lost the person we love most in this world. Our world will never be the same again, we will never have that unbrideled innocent happiness that we once had, I think you lose some kind of trust in the world and it will take a long time to trust in the universe and life again. And we will never be that person we once were, it is like mourning not only your loved one, but the person you were with that loved one. This culture is so focused on only "positive" feelings, but there is a reason we have a duality of feelings because we are supposed to experience it all. And I think joy and happiness lack any depth if you have never felt the polar opposites. I think the dark feelings are too heavy handedly disregarded and are always something "to get over". If I could not have these feelings of loss, sorrow and despair and have my love right beside me I would do i in a nano second, but this is the life I was dealt with and I have to try and find meaning if any from what seems just cruel. It's a huge transition and some higher being has obviously put us through this for a reason, and I dont think it should be rushed through. Sure we will find happiness again one day, but I think it will require a lot of patience and alot of feelins people just want you to "get over" asap.

[tiredofvampires]

Not again, not this time. I won't be lonely knowing that I have a choice.

 

She is out there, somewhere, waiting for me. She just doesn't know it yet.

 

This is so right on, Dags.

 

I think you hit on something really important here. "Loneliness" is a state of feeling helpless and choiceless in the matter, that you are just stuck or doomed to a certain state of affairs.

 

Whereas being "alone" can be very empowering. You make a decision for yourself, based on certain uncompromising values, dreams and faith in the unknowns of the future. There is no place for loneliness there, but rather a sense of self-respect and even....adventurous patience.

 

After knowing such a special love as you shared with Lisa, having such a special partner, the bar is rightly set high. And you can and will find that again, but you see, since you now know what you want to be looking for, you won't settle for something less. And you'll recognize it when it arrives.

 

I'll join you on that mission.

 

This culture is so focused on only "positive" feelings, but there is a reason we have a duality of feelings because we are supposed to experience it all. And I think joy and happiness lack any depth if you have never felt the polar opposites. I think the dark feelings are too heavy handedly disregarded and are always something "to get over".

 

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, chocolatecookies, but you've said some great things here, and I've excerpted something I totally agree with. Sometimes I really feel I've had it "up to here" with the positive-think gurus; not that I wish to wallow in "negativity", but I think a lot of people are just so terrified of the shadow side of life, and of loss, they need to see everyone else jump on the bandwagon. I've long let the bandwagon trundle along the path without me, as I can't keep up. And I'm okay with that now.

 

Your attitude is quite wonderful, and yet, we don't have to talk about being "positive" do we?