6 Months Today

[Dagless]

It's been 6 months since she died. 6 months since the hospital called me and I rush up to the hospital to be by her side, I was too late. I regret that. There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently but you can't go back. That hurts.

I don't even know what to write here because I don't really know how I feel about it. I no longer cry myself to sleep; I no longer get horrible images that kept me awake at night. Which is good.

I still dream about her from time to time but they are mostly confusing.

 

As for where I am now, well sometimes I feel really down and lonely and I think it's the loneliness which I find the worst. Am I ready to move on, start seeing someone maybe? It's a question I ask myself and I really don't know. It's not something I want to rush into but it's not something I want to put off either. I remember when I first started thinking about it I felt very selfish and guilty at even contemplating it.

 

Anyway I'm in no rush.

[BetterKarma]

I'm so sorry for your loss Dagless. I know it must be painful and I can't even begin to comprehend what you're going through.

 

Just take it slow and don't rush into anything. You're still grieving and that's okay. Learning to be by yourself again is part of the healing process.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Raiden]

Progress comes in it's own time.

 

Hang in there.

[Dagless]

Don't worry, I'm not the type to rush in to anything. I wouldn't push myself into anything I wasn't ready for. Sometimes you just have to ask these questions of yourself.

[tiredofvampires]

It must seem like eons on one hand, and yet just yesterday on the other, does it Dags? That is often the way it feels...

 

You know, I don't know what it is about the 6 month mark. And then the year mark -- but there is some kind of deep symbolism embedded in our psyches about that. I think the first major marker is a month -- when you see that date arise again for the first time and it just hits you in the face. Then, 6 months starts to really take on the weight of half of a year's time, which is quite momentous. And then of course, the year mark, which is the exact date by month as well as day. Which is the biggest hurdle of all, because as I see it, it's the first time you are revisiting that very same spot on that very same date/day for the first time since it happened, knowing that you have completed an entire "revolution" around the event, around the sun around all the dark nights that lay in between. There is something about crossing those thresholds...knowing that on that date, your life changed irrevocably in ways. These marking points are very significant. So my heart is going out to you today. (KG, now you...at least I have a lot of good people crowding into my heart today to hug!)

 

And all this is one reason why I feel there is something almost magically valuable about holding off on trying to figure out how you will love someone again or start seeing someone until that year marker, since that is sort of like "coming of age"...after that, you've seen each date before and have turned a corner of the unknown, in a way.

 

But that is not to say that you should abide by any "rule." I think you are blessed with a gift that has been serving you throughout this 6 months amazingly, and has me filled with admiration, and that is your ability to accept yourself, to be kind to yourself and not to dwell in things just to hang onto the loss. I have total faith in you Dags, to know when and at what time something will feel right. But don't feel like you have to pressure yourself not to "put things off" -- finding someone new is not a project you have to worry about tarrying on. It's something that you will naturally just feel drawn to do and when you do meet someone as the situation arises, being open is all you need. But you don't have to make it into a deliberate effort, so I'm glad you aren't fretting this.

 

Loneliness is a bear, but you are in heaps of company with that. I would say, aside from the way you lost her...welcome to the club. But that sounds much too flippant. So I will just say, you are not alone in feeling lonely! Do you have someone you can spend time with? It's so much harder if there is no one else to have the company of, even if just some rather light company.

 

Your progress has been remarkable, and I'm so relieved to know that the nights no longer are so awful to bear. You are healing for sure. What a blessing that is. I draw a lot of inspiration about the way you honor yourself, even though my problems are different.

 

I hope you do a little something today to make yourself feel good. A funny movie, get yourself some goodies, something to acknowledge the landmark, "I've made it this far!"

[tiredofvampires]

Don't worry, I'm not the type to rush in to anything. I wouldn't push myself into anything I wasn't ready for. Sometimes you just have to ask these questions of yourself.

 

But it IS a good sign that you are asking. Even if it's not time to act on anything.

[15 Storeys High]

Your progression through your grief is amazing Dag. Every post you write makes perfect sense and you understand your needs so well. I'm full of admiration for you.

[DN]

I think the one thing that is almost always apparent from the posts of someone who has lost a partner is some degree of self-blame. What should, could, would I have done to prevent this death?

 

To you, and to others in the same situation, I say this:

 

"It's not your fault".

 

When you can really accept the truth of that statement at the core of your being - you will find you can accept her death and your continuing life free from any burden that is not yours to bear.

[Dagless]

This may sound weired but I actually find it more difficult to post now than I did months ago. It's like back in the days when I was raw with grief it was easier to know how I felt about thing or at least be in touch with my emotions. I find I can't write the poetry like I use to. It maybe because I don't want to go back and think about how I felt.

[Dagless]

I think the one thing that is almost always apparent from the posts of someone who has lost a partner is some degree of self-blame. What should, could, would I have done to prevent this death?

 

To you, and to others in the same situation, I say this:

 

"It's not your fault".

 

When you can really accept the truth of that statement at the core of your being - you will find you can accept her death and your continuing life free from any burden that is not yours to bear.

 

That's why I have my quote from Jack to remind me of why we sometimes blame ourselves.

[tiredofvampires]

You know, I've experienced this too after the loss of my relationship (even though it wasn't the same of course, since he didn't die), as well as after other traumatic events. At first, I'd feel so close to all my emotions that they just poured out of me, I didn't have to reach for anything, they were right there on the surface for the taking. And then, over time, I started to feel some sort of...gap between me and them, where touching them was more of an effort and sometimes even elusive. I think it's perhaps a way of nature allowing the scab to form without pulling it apart, the scar tissue to heal over without re-lacerating it. I think it's healthy, even though it's in some ways disconcerting because you had gotten used to feeling so raw that...it feels unfamiliar to be in some ways able to understand what happened without feeling viscerally torn to shreds.

 

I think my best poetry has come out of the blackest realms because I was in such immediate contact with the pain. Same for posts. I reconnect to my story through the stories of others and so I'm still re-visiting the unfinished business, but it isn't as much through the direct channel of such unmitigated pain.

 

What I'm trying to say is I feel, from my own experience, that dealing with loss at some point involves the intensity of your feelings quieting down a bit and going into a more dull reflectiveness -- and I think this is healthy and normal. So I think it's something to welcome as the respite nature gave you.

[Dagless]

It's getting harder and harder to express my feelings. I'm scared I'm hurting or upsetting people when I talk about this kind of stuff. Part of me is thinking I should just stop.

[15 Storeys High]

That's the beauty of this place Dag. You can write out whatever you want. It doesn't have to make sense and it doesn't have to be directed at anyone. And there'll be someone out there that gets it.

[tiredofvampires]

Upsetting people? Which people? On here?

 

So you don't feel like expressing your feelings here because of how you think it'll affect others? I thought you were saying it's just hard to express because you not feeling able to for your own inner reasons...

 

?

[Dagless]

I've started to doubt myself again. I'm scared I'm retreating back in to myself. Part of me doesn't what me to go delving in to my feelings anymore it's like it knows there is just a load of pain down there so it is easier to say that my feelings don't really matter and so there is no point in sharing them because no-one cares anymore.

 

Does that sound messed up?

[DN]

I've started to doubt myself again. I'm scared I'm retreating back in to myself. Part of me doesn't what me to go delving in to my feelings anymore it's like it knows there is just a load of pain down there so it is easier to say that my feelings don't really matter and so there is no point in sharing them because no-one cares anymore.

 

Does that sound messed up?

You should not be scared about sharing your feelings - especially on here. That is why this forum exists.

 

But having said that - there does come a time when a wound needs to heal and constantly tearing the scab off to see if it is getting better simply makes matters worse.

 

Remember that just because you might not think about her all the time, or even every day, it doesn't mean that she is less important or that you love her any less. It just means that the wound is healing just as it should.

 

The fact that you are interested in other women, or starting to be, doesn't mean your love for her is less either - or that it was not strong. It doesn't mean that you are betraying her in some way.

 

The biggest compliment that you can pay to someone you loved and lost - is to love again.

[Dagless]

I think right now the most important thing I should do is stop beating myself up and get some sleep.

[tiredofvampires]

Everyone on here cares about you, Dags -- and if there's anything you need to share, or just want to say, we are all here!!

 

Don't ever think "no one cares anymore"!

 

When you are better rested, maybe you can post again about these "doubts"? Maybe go into a little more detail?...

 

And if you are in pain, as DN and I have said, sometimes it's okay to leave it be if you just feel it would aggitate what is healing, like picking off a scab. BUT, if you feel that you are suppressing the pain so as to spare others, or yourself of the needed catharsis it would bring to expose it to the light of day, then that isn't the best thing for your healing.

 

I think it's a fine line, but the litmus test is, if you feel it's something you want to release but can't, then it would be a good idea to post about it here.

Get some rest though and go to sleep being kind with yourself. You know how to do that even with this "doubt" and that is your great asset. Yup. Stop the beatings now!

 

Edit Having another look over your posts today a little more, it really does seem that it's not a matter of your feelings being just less intense and thereforeee not as urgent to talk about. It really does seem like something is up, is skimming below the surface that needs out. This forum has some of the strongest people on this board standing read to listen, so I think you should talk about it...

[Dagless]

Something had to come out yesterday. I've been getting a feeling like I've been pushing some feelings away, trying to protect myself from something. I couldn't just let that be. Whatever it was I had to face it but when I tried to dig it out and put it on here it put up a fight. Spayed a smoke screen of paranoia and worthlessness, I wanted to just runaway from here and hide. Maybe I knew what was there and I didn't want to face it.

 

Fear.

 

Fear of loneliness. And of course with all fear it has its roots in the past. It’s also fear of history repeating itself.

Now this is where I have to admit something and it is something I hate about myself but I have to say this so that you understand why I think this way. Before I meet Lisa I had never had a girlfriend before, I had never so much as held the hand of another woman.

It's hard for me to admit that because it makes me feel pathetic.

[15 Storeys High]

I'm glad it's finally come out Dag. There's nothing wrong with having a little fear and there's no reason to feel pathetic because look what you found....You found Lisa didn't you? And there is no reason why you can't find something similar like that again. You fear that Lisa was a one off? In one way, yeah, she probably was because she was special to you but in the other way she wasn't because she isn't the only woman that's ever going to want you.

[Dagless]

I'm glad it's finally come out Dag. There's nothing wrong with having a little fear and there's no reason to feel pathetic because look what you found....You found Lisa didn't you? And there is no reason why you can't find something similar like that again. You fear that Lisa was a one off? In one way, yeah, she probably was because she was special to you but in the other way she wasn't because she isn't the only woman that's ever going to want you.

 

Thank you Storeys.

[Pocket Rocket]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened Dagless, I wish I could give you a really big hug right now I've never lost anyone close to me and I could never know how you feel, so please take whatever I say with a pinch of salt. I think you're wise to know that rushing into anything won't be good, but it sounds like it's something you're willing to think about now and something you'll want to explore. As tiredofvampires said, it's a good sign that you're asking questions and it's a step forward, just give yourself some time before life becomes balanced again.

 

My thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best.

[15 Storeys High]

Give yourself some time before life becomes balanced again.

 

The perfect quote. Balance. That's what you're waiting for now. And balance always takes a bit of time. Don't fret Dag....things will happen for you and Lisa will be proud of everything you do.

[Dagless]

I just think I was being a little foolish, trying to sheild my own pain from others. Just goes to show that no matter how strong you think you are, you try and protend that you are something you are not and it will take its toll.

[KG]

Dags,

After a loss, I found every emotion to be heightened a gazillion times, and then sometimes, felt I had no emotions at all. I'd be angry at the cards dealt, then completely unattached to any feelings at all. It confused me to no end.

I believe it is the heart and brain trying to strike a balance....So if you want to pour it all out, write away...it will make sense some day.

After my closure this weekend, I think my brain and heart may have found a suitable balance.