The small stuff?

[MemoriesDust]

Okay, I'm in a train wreck of a relationship - I know that.

 

I don't say it often, but it's a same sex bi relationship - fun times (lol).

 

They broke up with me. I accepted it, made plans, looked to the future. No begging, screaming, crying. Just me and my life and that made me happy, calm.

 

They drive up to my place (2 hours away) on Sunday, standing at the door with a rose, an apology, and a plea for us to become a near distance relationship, that a lot of our problems could be resolved that way. I agree, reluctantly.

 

Big problem in the relationship - I'm a secret. Fair enough, I've accepted it, but they want to integrate me into their life, and family, so it just becomes a given that I'm "there"... Like the proverbial elephant in the room. I can see they are trying to make me a part of their family life, so I agree.

 

This week, I spent a whole day/night with their mother and other family members at a birthday event. I found it utterly exhausting, difficult and a bit of a head mincer to pretend we were "friends", to not touch, look, speak of anything that would give our relationship away. I did well, I impressed.

 

By the time it got to bedtime, I really needed my partner, I needed time alone so she could hold me and we could be "us" again after a day of pretending otherwise... Instead, she is quiet. I ask what is wrong, and she tells me that quite frankly she's fed up with the fact I never close the blinds, nor turn out the light, and I go to bed and turn my back on her. This shocked me... I don't mean to get into bed first, and I'm definitely do not intentionally turn my back on her! Apparently this has been annoying her for a while... It just seemed an incredibly inappropriate time to bring it up. When I said this she blew up at me for suggesting she has to hold things in till it's convenient, and if I didn't want to know what was wrong, I shouldn't have asked??

 

After all I had put myself through for her that day, the fact that she just made a problem out of nothing hurt me incredibly. I tried to talk to her about it the next day, but I've been accused of making a drama out of it. Everytime I said it hurt me she tells me I'm drumming it into her. I end up getting so frustrated that I can't express myself I just leave, and it just makes everything worse.

 

How do I navigate around the small stuff? I'm a very positive personality, I don't even think of the small stuff, it doesn't matter to me, so I find it very hard to deal with.

 

I feel like she's causing problems for no reason. She's hurt me severely over the last couple of weeks, and incidents like this just pull out the sutures.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate when I'm hurting over something effectively without alienating her? Is it even possible? I always try to say "I'm feeling..." rather than "You made me feel...", but it doesn't seem to help, and I just end up apologising because I'm so fed up with arguing.

 

Thanks for your advice in advance,

 

M&D

[ResonanceTheory]

Her inability to admit that she is in a relationship with you to her friends or family seems like much more of a problem than "the small stuff". It seems as if your girlfriend is just trying to divert some of the attention away from the REAL elephant in the room...which is the extreme amount of disrespect she is showing you by not publicly acknowledging your relationship. Most women would not tolerate this sort of treatment from a man--I don't understand why you should have to tolerate it in a same-sex relationship.

[watergirl]

The real white elephant is the fact that she's cheating on her significant other WITH YOU and thinks she's hiding that from everyone. Don't be fooled--you can't hide those things, much less from a significant other. You are bound to be hurt so best to leave the situation now before any real damage is done. Of course if her s.o. finds out, she will inevitably blame it on you. Be prepared if you choose to stay. It's already causing you pain, so why subject yourself to something less than you deserve, which is to be with someone who can be with you? When the truth finally comes out, it's going to be a REAL train wreck.

[MemoriesDust]

The real white elephant is the fact that she's cheating on her significant other WITH YOU and thinks she's hiding that from everyone. Don't be fooled--you can't hide those things, much less from a significant other. You are bound to be hurt so best to leave the situation now before any real damage is done. Of course if her s.o. finds out, she will inevitably blame it on you. Be prepared if you choose to stay. It's already causing you pain, so why subject yourself to something less than you deserve, which is to be with someone who can be with you? When the truth finally comes out, it's going to be a REAL train wreck.

 

You misunderstand, she's not cheating on anyone. We're in a long term monogamous relationship. I'm a secret because she is struggling to come to terms with her sexuality, not because she is in a relationship with anyone else.

 

M&D